about today i followed my parents to PJ home. we have got plenty works to do, and yes, now from a broken house transformed to a brand new house now where humans can live now :D 3 days energy finish in a single day. nearly 9pm we left our house for dinner, cool huh?!
and last Friday night, when my biirthday is about to end, around 11.50pm, i received a text from a friend, a long lost contact friend. i should be happy by that time, but it seemed rage took over perfectly. for an instant i was so happy he remembers but in not more than 4 seconds, i got pissed.
actually i was waiting his call since 12am on Friday, but apparently not. okay, maybe that's fine, i would just wait for his text. and who knows, his text was the last message i get on that day. i just said i got pissed about his last minute greeting, and i think i already started a fight with him.
our conversations were like:
".... last minute birthday wish, still on time."
"i don't want to talk to you..."
"Why?"
"No heart"
"sry :x"
"... that's all?"
that was my last message to him, and that's the end.
he is so important in my life. the moments we spent together i will never forget. i tried to be understanding all the time that he's that kind of person who doesn't know how to express himself. he is very passive so i have to be active most of the time. he hides his feeling perfectly so i tried to guess his thought sometime.
he was an introvert when i first met him. i told myself i should bring him out to socialize with people, the first would be my gang of friends. they are friendly and that for 100% no problem. i was spoon-feeding him and step by step he gets well and better and good and now he knows how to carry himself. i am so glad and thankful to God that he is finally grown up.
what i'd said here i don't mean anything, never for once i hoping for returns. what i want is he will appreciate me, as a friend which is important to him. but what he'd done, i doubting it. since that day he complaint to me how his best friend treats him, despite everything, he walked me back home and then go straight to his best friend's home to find him.
yes, despite every time i got kicked out from his best friend's home, he said he'll never put is head into shit anymore. i know that is not true, no matter what he WOULD go back to him. and last time i went to Kampar with him. i went there not simply to take a look around but to accompany him. i knew that he wants to sleep at his best friend's hostel, but he wasn't so welcoming him. eventually ended up sleeping beside me. i didn't say anything you know, i just feel so sorry for him. he should be treated better. i even stood up for him. but just see what i got as RETURN.
i whined last time about Frank. why? why every single hurt he had done on him he will still go back to him? is that the word FAITH i don't understand? is that really no matter how i do i don't deserve a place in his heart or something? and now i got slapped by myself. i was the same. i did the same damn thing to myself. he did something hurt me so bad and he has no idea about it, and i forgive him in silence and he took me as granted, and the funniest part is i say 'never mind, i don't mind, i believe one day hard works do pay out, i trust on myself one day he would appreciate my existence'
but no, i waited him so long. but he never turn back. i don't get anything from him. i don't even deserve a call. i am so not important in his circle. i did the calls, i did the texts, i did the drivings, i did the hangout plans, i did the active role, i did so many things which i now couldn't remember. look, what kind of shitty situation i put myself in? i was hurt badly.
i heart was aching now writing this entry. i could not believe a friend i care so much since the beginning he just turn away like that.
Phui Nying called me on Friday evening to wish me a happy birthday. even she knows my birthday and she CALL ME. and seriously, i'm so happy about this. thank you so much. she too at the same time asked me:
"did you talk to Frank these days?"
"no, why?"
"he seems like having troubles."
"what kind of troubles?"
"i guess it's cuz' of exams and environment he still struggling."
"but, he is fine right?"
"yeah, kinda now. he got better now compares to past few weeks."
"he didn't call me."
"really?"
"i did the calls all the time, and he couldn't be bothered."
i summarized our conversations. i actually called her back the second time asking about him. after i got the call from her the only thing wandering in my mind was his circumstances. i only have chance to call Phui Nying the second time until working hours had ended. and so she told me more. and during that moment i'm still desperately waiting his call.
he upset me successfully. i understood what he is undergoing but i'm not in his first place that he thinks to call. but that's fine, he has new friends there so... but not even a birthday call? he said something like 'last minute wishes', and what is that suppose to mean? you forgot?
that time you said you want a male cardigan and i start looking one for you as your birthday present. i am even thinking how suppose i send the present to you in Kampar. i can send it via Fedex but i scared there were no one to acknowledge when you go to university. see, i was obviously thinking too much, something hasn't happen and i start planning for a guy who doesn't even give a shit about me.
my parents and sister always say that by time he sends me a message or bring a cup of 'midnight drink' you will totally forgive whatever he had done which is so hurtful. for that i couldn't disagree more, that's very true. for someone i totally care about, yes, why i need to hold a grudge against him, right?
but he broke my heart. this time, whatever he planning to do no longer makes a difference. if one day he happens to appear in front of my house i would just ask him 'what are you planning to do.' and i am not kidding. i already wanted to start an argument to him. whatever i hide all these times i would fired all whole-heartedly to him. i no longer mind cuz' he no longer mind about this friend.
if he cares about this friend, one day he would do something he did previously to his best friend.
but for this moment, i totally heartbroken where i couldn't feel a slight pain in my chest anymore.
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