I'm so full with feelings i'm gonna burst!

I am so full with feelings right now.

I am broke this month. I owed the government 3 months of study loan and i paid it all a few weeks ago. I bought a flight back home. I bought my dad's a birthday present. I got myself a passport. I am very broke this month. So, i rejected a trip down the Jitra.

My housemate was being harsh to me. She kept saying it's hard preparing meals for us because we are picky eaters. I have improved a lot over the months but it still takes time to make changes, at least i try. Because i rejected the trip to Jitra, and i thought we will have no plan at all the whole day until she knocked on my door to call me out for dinner with our ex housemate; she is suppose to go to Jitra together with us at first. I thought, why not? At the end of the dinner it turned out it was my ex housemate's birthday. I didn't know neither did my housemate tell me about it when she knocked on my door. I was slightly annoyed by that. Then, when we split the bill, it was 39 bucks and i thought yeah, 20 each then. She said she will pay me back 19 because i ordered one more bowl of rice. I further annoyed by that. I didn't mind paying more and i always did i never be calculative with them at all because it is not necessary we all staying under the same roof. Apparently, it is not. The moment she said that, i thought, that's it. I'm not a calculative person by nature but if you did, that's it, i'm done. Then, i kept thinking if i'm being too sensitive. But the whole incident bugs me until now. I called Bavita and found out she wasn't doing too well herself but at least i made her smile again. Then, i called Priya and she made me all happy and excited again for September. They just made my day slightly better.

I was looking for an outlet to release my... me feeling bad. I didn't mean to tell my sister but somehow i told her everything. She advised me to never let one thing decide how a person she is, which i actually agree. But i'm still pretty sad. I don't like greens but when i cook for her i will get a plate of vegetable cooked as well because i know she can't eat a meal without a plate of greens. If i can do that, why can't you? Then, she was thinking to save up our fund to buy an oven. I didn't agree with her because it is an electrical appliance, what if either of us move out? And oven is not cheap so to speak. I would rather you spend more on actual food with existing cooking utensils than investing on something unrealistic. I think you can only proceed if you get mutual agreement from all the fundraisers, or else, you can't proceed. Not informing but getting consent. And she got mad because i don't agree.

Later at night, my mom texted me saying that it's my dad's birthday. Shit! My thought was so occupied with the above incident and forgot all about my dad's birthday. So, i texted him happy birthday and an hour later, i called home and greeted him on the phone. Then, we talked for a while. He asked me about my work. He asked me about my current living condition. His heart ached for me struggling to survive out there and kept asking me to call home for help if i really needed one because he knows that I will never do that no matter how hard things are for me. He wanted me to get my own place, my own space, and offered a lot of financial help in a tactful manner. We hung up after 30 mins or so and in another 30 minutes, dad called again. He did that talking all over again. I am very touched because i know there is at least someone back at home whose hearts are aching for me, worrying about me, wondering if i'm doing well out there. That just tells me whatever pain i'm going through has just all worth it.

All that mixture of feelings... i almost can't contain it anymore...

An instant self-esteem boost

I treated a patient today. She's a Russian, a lecturer, a well-read person and i'm so inspired by her. She said something that gave me more reassurance; a boost to my self-esteem. I'm going to tell you what she said to me this morning.

'You know you're a very eye-opening person. No offense, first impression is very important whether you like it or not. When you came to the counter and greeted me, i thought you were one of the assistants who ushers the client sin. When you brought me into the cubicle and sat in front of me, i thought, God, what does this little boy possibly know... looking at your naturally small physique. Then, when you started talking and explaining my problems and addressing to them later on, i have to say i was very impressed. It is like a 180 degree flip to what i thought of you just now. You're the perfect example of 'Do not judge a book by its cover'. This is a world filled with educated failures so full with absolute stupidity, and when i started talking to you i thought, God, this boy is going to go far if he keeps stretching himself through the limit. The way you talk, the way you approach, they are totally different. I have seen so many people, disregard their profession, are speaking soullessly, they don't even look at you as if they have so little time for you, or simply to get to their objective.'

She is not the first person telling me this. There were one told me the same thing as well. It was months ago. Sometimes i do wonder if that day ever come. I have a lot of doubts the day i started doing physical therapy course. Until today i still feel indifferent. Anyway, we still talked about many things. I actually asked for her opinions if i should get more experiences abroad or just forget about it and go back KL and start my own practice. We talked about books too since she knows a lot about books; she teaches literature just if you are curious. We also talked about education. The purpose of education and the importance of getting education right. The time to get to higher education; before married or after; before private practice or after etc. It was pure joy. So much joy.

I enjoy talking to her. It is like i am talking to Ms Chan again. Today when my client tells me that, at this moment when i am so unsure of whatever i'm doing, it comes right on time. I couldn't take it off my mind until now.

3 criteria to make a job satisfying

This month's expenses has been incredibly high. It is just the beginning of the month and my bank account is going zero. I paid my study loan which i delayed in paying back for 3 months, then the bills, then my dad's birthday present, then the rental. Mid of June i have to pay for my medical insurance, July my car license, September my car's insurance and road tax. Everything is money. Life governs only by money is suffocating. Every month is about this same shit. I haven't bought the internal flight to Tasmania yet. I don't know if going to Australia is a good idea. I should have waited until everything has stabled down. Well, since i have already bought it i shall straighten everything out. May God bless me.

I drove out to get dinner just now. I was thinking of getting a muffin. It was just a muffin i wanted to eat and i thought if i should get it because i'm really tight right now. I'm so tired of it, having to even worry if i can afford a damn muffin. In 'Outliers' Malcolm Gladwell said 'Those three things- autonomy, complexity, and a connection between effort and reward- are, most people agree, the three qualities that work has to have if it is to be satisfying. It is not how much money we make that ultimately makes us happy between nine and five. It's whether our work fulfills us.' I partially agree to what Gladwell said but i think... money can't solve all the problems but it solves most of them. I am literally tired of making the end meet every fucking month.