Days have been great, but not so great. Not quite sure how to describe it, it is so complicated... I feel tired and this matter has been all over me. I don't want to be dictate by others, by my emotions. It's tiring. Hopefully all the things will fall into places.
Good night.
The faraway place you once promised youself
on Sunday, March 20, 2016
It took me long to remember the promises i once promised myself. I got carried away by the novel i read not long ago, being in it for quite a while and got depressed after realizing how cruel the world is. Then, a chain of incidents happened and they pull me back from my poor fantasy and depression.
I started my clinical placement, the last one, finally, and that means i'll be meeting a lot of people from different background. On one ordinary day, i met a guy dressed so ordinarily walked into the department. We chatted for quite some time as treatments were going on. He told me his story and it motivated me. You won't believe this ordinary guy sitting right in front of me can be so... unbelievably motivating. He kinda took part of my worries away. He told me 'Just go, go get what you want, be brave to dream. If you dream, make sure you dream big.' I was still doubting, he continued 'What can go wrong? What can possibly go so wrong?' This sentence pierced right through my heart. What can go so wrong, he said, yes, what can possibly go so wrong?
Then, i saw a Facebook post and it brought back all the promises i once swore i would one day fulfill. It was written in Mandarin and can be translated as 'never forget the faraway place you once promised yourself'.
- I promised to study hard and go abroad to work and find my happiness there.
- I promised to study hard and go abroad to build a family i've longed for so long.
- I promised to never forget to treat patients with my heart and never get carried away by money.
- I promised to use the littlest money to give the most to the patients who can't afford medical fees.
- I promised as long as it is manual skills i can perform rather using machines, i will do it because it doesn't cost much as it is under my control.
I remember that time i told myself that money will never dictate my life but as i got closer to the society, i realize these probably just fantasies. It requires so much to stay alive; get food, pay bills etc. How ironic.
Then, i remember that one thing i once said to a friend 'We have come so far; out of a million sperms, we won, we were the chosen ones, and we struggle so long to grow up and finally capable of making decisions that are right for ourselves, why not just be brave to live, let live and enjoy life? Enjoy the Earth, a place we will only visit once and never come back anymore when the time finally arrives.' Since when i've become such a coward? Or i have always been a coward i just didn't know?
P/S: I read a book today. It's a photography journal about a baby and a dog. Look up 'Maru in Michigan' and you shall find tans of pictures about them. Oh, they are one cute happy gay family. ;)
This time, my depression made me cook
on Wednesday, March 2, 2016
A lot had happened the past few days. I went to Penang for vacation but it turned out to be very tiring. I wanted to go Penang because i wanted to visit a friend, and another friend of mine wanted to go with me and she fell sick. So, you know, it was quite tiring. The hotel was so so, the beach was a disappointment, it was simply... unsatisfying.
Before i left to Penang, i was hooked to a Mandarine novel and it got me so so so addicted. The name of the novel, in English, was called Addicted. So, i read 1/3 before i departed to Penang, then, i continued to 2/3 of the novel. It was so damn addictive, so so addictive. It was a gay romance, and it was the first time i read book like this, and it was nothing less of a straight romance. The author was so good with the plot; twist, climax, ups and downs; it was simply fascinating. I finished the novel when i got back home, and started reading it the second time.
You know how did i feel after i finished the novel? It got me so depressed. The story was so good, so impossibly loving, i just don't know how to describe it but it is just so not realistic. It wasn't the book i usually read; not the kind of writing style the other authors i read. All the details, the author had never taken it lightly until the very last page. It was the details that made the novel so miraculous. I'd actually written a status on Google+ profile, it said A life with Gu Hai is a life not wasted if i ever met one. I don't know, the following days after i finished the novel i couldn't get myself out of the story because i was so cruel to myself. I actually thought that i will forever be alone. Like... for real. My parents and friends have given me abundant of love and i couldn't give my love to the person i love. It is so heart-aching to think like this.
Then, today, i realize one thing. I have to love myself more. I may be alone for the rest of my life, but i do believe that love will find me eventually. For the mean time, i shall love myself more until that person comes into my life. Remember last year when i got into the same depression, i made myself run. Today, i finished so many runs and later, a half marathon, the just last month, a full marathon. It was very satisfying; the accomplishment, the achievement, and i'm grateful that i made myself run. So, this time, i wanted to learn how to cook. I went to supermarket with my mom today and learnt how to choose the right things for the dish i wanted to prepare- meat, seafood, vegetables, cooking oils etc. Then, i helped out my mom in the kitchen for tonight's dinner. My mom taught me a lot, and i definitely learnt. If i ever live alone, i know how to keep my stomach full; if i ever live with the person i love, i know how to keep my stomach and his stomach full; if i ever live with family, i know how to keep them healthy from diet. I wanted to learn various dishes, like Gu Hai, to cook for myself and the person i love. For myself, for the love not far away, for future.
Today's cooking class is my first class, and tomorrow will be my second class. The day i'm free will be the day my mom cooks because seriously, i wanted to learn how to cook. This is what i want to do now, should i say thank you to my depression? To the novel that had changed me slightly? Books, will eternally be my best friend. It is a good listener and the best story teller that makes you think, gave you useful options and opinions, and never turned his its back on me. Thanks a lot, buddy.
P/S: My mom forbids me to run marathon because i got thinner whenever i prepare for marathon. I'm already skinny and running makes me worst. So, i don't know, i may keep running because running made my life a little meaningful- made me closer to the guys, made me a man, and made me love myself more. For that, i just have to eat more ;)
Before i left to Penang, i was hooked to a Mandarine novel and it got me so so so addicted. The name of the novel, in English, was called Addicted. So, i read 1/3 before i departed to Penang, then, i continued to 2/3 of the novel. It was so damn addictive, so so addictive. It was a gay romance, and it was the first time i read book like this, and it was nothing less of a straight romance. The author was so good with the plot; twist, climax, ups and downs; it was simply fascinating. I finished the novel when i got back home, and started reading it the second time.
You know how did i feel after i finished the novel? It got me so depressed. The story was so good, so impossibly loving, i just don't know how to describe it but it is just so not realistic. It wasn't the book i usually read; not the kind of writing style the other authors i read. All the details, the author had never taken it lightly until the very last page. It was the details that made the novel so miraculous. I'd actually written a status on Google+ profile, it said A life with Gu Hai is a life not wasted if i ever met one. I don't know, the following days after i finished the novel i couldn't get myself out of the story because i was so cruel to myself. I actually thought that i will forever be alone. Like... for real. My parents and friends have given me abundant of love and i couldn't give my love to the person i love. It is so heart-aching to think like this.
Then, today, i realize one thing. I have to love myself more. I may be alone for the rest of my life, but i do believe that love will find me eventually. For the mean time, i shall love myself more until that person comes into my life. Remember last year when i got into the same depression, i made myself run. Today, i finished so many runs and later, a half marathon, the just last month, a full marathon. It was very satisfying; the accomplishment, the achievement, and i'm grateful that i made myself run. So, this time, i wanted to learn how to cook. I went to supermarket with my mom today and learnt how to choose the right things for the dish i wanted to prepare- meat, seafood, vegetables, cooking oils etc. Then, i helped out my mom in the kitchen for tonight's dinner. My mom taught me a lot, and i definitely learnt. If i ever live alone, i know how to keep my stomach full; if i ever live with the person i love, i know how to keep my stomach and his stomach full; if i ever live with family, i know how to keep them healthy from diet. I wanted to learn various dishes, like Gu Hai, to cook for myself and the person i love. For myself, for the love not far away, for future.
Today's cooking class is my first class, and tomorrow will be my second class. The day i'm free will be the day my mom cooks because seriously, i wanted to learn how to cook. This is what i want to do now, should i say thank you to my depression? To the novel that had changed me slightly? Books, will eternally be my best friend. It is a good listener and the best story teller that makes you think, gave you useful options and opinions, and never turned his its back on me. Thanks a lot, buddy.
P/S: My mom forbids me to run marathon because i got thinner whenever i prepare for marathon. I'm already skinny and running makes me worst. So, i don't know, i may keep running because running made my life a little meaningful- made me closer to the guys, made me a man, and made me love myself more. For that, i just have to eat more ;)
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