Dad, I love you

The best thing of the day happened at the time before i hit the sack. Before it, today, 26.02.14 is my sister's birthday. Happy birthday to you, may you keeping kicking asses!

So this is it. I had a long father-and-son talk with my dad and guess what, it turned out really good. Maybe i'm now older i understand what he's thinking. He walked into my room and sat on my bed watching me watching YouTube. He said 'can you pause the video a while?' I turned around with lots of question marks and yeah, that's how we began.

He had so much to talk he just couldn't find the right person to let out his negativity. He was real worried about my mom and so many things else. I'm actually pretty glad that he sought for me.

At one point i told him, 'dad, i don't know if one day i will be here cuz' i want to look for the best place for me to settle down in the future. I didn't know how it will turn out but before all, i will walk a few countries before i decide where suits me the most.' He's totally positive about it and somehow made me braver. Thank you so much dad. He added a few more words at the end:

'If you fall down, it's okay, get up and try again. Try again, try again, and try harder again.' 

We talked about so many things i couldn't list them all but, we had a very short but good time together. How funny when you think about last time, if you need a talk with your dad it freaks the shit out of you but, we could really hang out next time. His warm reminder is 'never stop, keep walking and enrich yourself with every one of your footstep.'

I love you, dad.

p/s: It is just so scary when you know there's so many things to learn and you have no idea what you going to learn. Life's just good on giving you tests and lessons when you least expected it.

A small love talk

This afternoon i had a little talk with Priya and yeah, talking to her is always comfortable. I asked her is it hard to fall in love? She said yes, it is. 'When you fall in love it's hard to get out of it and probably hurt pretty bad at the end.' Then, all the flashbacks came back at once and we laughed through the whole conversation.

The only one person who had me felt like i'm in love was her. She was the only one. And at the end, it ended pretty hideously. Until today i'm uncertain if it's a mistake or not. But we are still friend. She moved on, she found another one, she seems happy. And no one i encountered so far ever gives me the same feeling anymore. So, i shall be patient but sometimes thing gets hard, you know?

I'm still at the same place, stationary. I didn't know if i have a fix feeling on one gender, i can't tell and i certainly hope i can. It's not it. I uhmm... pretty embarrassing to tell that i'm personally attracted to someone rather than sexually attracted. I don't know, thing will definitely be easier if i know what the hell i want. It had been a few years now. I convinced myself 2 times: 1, i'm straight. 2. i'm gay. And i'm neither. I can't tell, it drifts. Maybe i really am going both ways.

However, I already got over the fact above so it doesn't bother me anymore. I will still get respect if i respect myself and others. Gaining respect as an individual is better than asking as a group. It doesn't go that way. But, i really want the same old feeling she gave me last time. That nice and heart-pounding feeling. We'll see how life leads the way.

An article said: I traveled to numerous places to find that one person but he/she eventually ended up in front of your door pressing doorbell. That person is from the same neighbourhood as you. I'm unsure about it, but i will stick to my original plan which is travelling around to see where suits me the most. I even started learning German just in case in the future i end up in one of the European countries. Early preparation is always better i believe.

But one thing never changed. Have always wanted to be a father. So, yeah. That thought made me smile.

Let's take everything slowly.

I don't know

Am i doing it wrong?

Am i the one with problems?

Am i really so hard to deal with?

I don't know what my parent's thinking...

You just need to be calm, be patient, be smart. The little you care, the lesser you suffer.

Save some energy

My emotion overran my brain today. My sister pissed me off so badly i couldn't bring myself to talk to her at all. May'be i've got wrong but i'm the elder, you know where you stand and you should however pay your respect. I've got only one thing to say: If she keeps the fucking attitude all along her way, unless she's very good at what she's doing, or it will get her nowhere. I'm fucking serious. People can be really superficial, that's all. Not gonna talk about her anymore she flared me up again. You know being mad at someone you cared is really tiring.

Because of her i couldn't stand it anymore i left the house for a night. I decided to stay a night in Ampang. If i don't fucking leave i'll literally explode. Things got so much better as i reached Ampang. Apart of the terrible traffic, i got a really satisfying haircut. I was anticipating something like i had and when the hairdresser done with it i almost can't recognise myself. Freaking awesome. I kept the same hairstyle for almost 4 years, or even more, it's time to change to something fresher anyway. It was great.

I went to night market to get myself dinner. I was kinda pampering myself i bought so many foods. Another way of channelling your anger is eat. That works. I worked on me. Even much better. I watched 2 movies too as i was taking my dinner. The first one was stupid but that is meant to make you laugh so... But the second one was mindblowing. 'Real Steel'. I didn't know it was so awesome. I kept it for more than 2 months in my laptop and feeling like a fool for not watching it. The beginning of the film was already intriguing i hooked to it. I didn't really skip any parts i watched it til the end. Like Les Miserables. I watched it few days ago, i didn't know it was a musical film and wow, just wow. I even wrote a poem based on this movie but it kinda.. i don't know something is wrong but i couldn't locate it. To be honest, another reason of watching 'Real Steel' is mainly because of Hugh Jackman. He nailed the film Les Miserables and so he brought me to Real Steel. I watched quite a number of his movies but not really into it until Les Miserables. Fantastic performance. Really.

I learnt something from Real Steel. It was a part of Atom whom under the control of Charlie, he only fought back until the opponent's energy depleted to almost nothing. That's patience. So, i learnt. Not much of a new insight it's much of a reminder i probably mentioned it somewhere in one of my blog posts.

'The most important thing about making your dream comes true is never dully depleted your energy. It's a long run like marathon, you may start at the last place but remember, it's a long run, the person lasts til the end win. Keep up the spirit, let rest if needed to save some energy and give it hell of a shot at the end of the race. Your dream's not far away from where you're standing.'

That's what i learnt and being reminded at the same time. May i never forget again.

Rethinks

I went down to Ampang yesterday with my family. We just thought we could use a peaceful night over there and who knows my sister fell sick. We came back to home immediately the next day. My parents told me i was an ass last night for whatever reason. I can't remember any i thought i just behaved like how i usually do. I don't know maybe this thing has something to do my misbehavior.

I knew my friends were gonna meet up later that night they'd been discussing it in Whatsapp. I knew i would go down to Ampang and i said nothing about attending it. The day in skybar was fun, was fun in a way that i couldn't feel so much because i was too caught up with my moment. Marriage and stuff that threw me off guard. Yin came back actually that was why they all meeting up with each other. I didn't know the reason of her coming back in such a short time and neither i asked. I thought we'd nothing to talk, not a common topic we were having back then and... that made me uncomfortable. They seemed to be doing fine but not me. Not me. Yesterday night i slept at 8pm and i woke up at 12.30am. Later slept again at 4.30am. I don't know if i'm the problem; i think i gonna miss 'reunion' later in my life.

I watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy season 3 just now. It was about Christina and her friends. She kept a secret of Dr Burke and stirred up a complication between them. The narrator said the ones that stick til the end are those who worth keeping. That's referring Christina and Meredith. That brought me back to Ka Seng and Priya. We argued and Ka Seng called back. Back then i was even thinking of breaking the whole damn thing up because all we did was fighting, all the time. Pondering what was being said in Grey's that made me rethink all this mess.

I once thought i had it all. Those who stick til the end are family. We back up each other and we protect and help each other. Those are what family does. I had a lot of friends i took no granted saying it. I poured all i could to keep all the friendships i had back then alive. I should just say this friendship thing takes two to make it interesting and memorable. So, at the end of the day, i broke few cuz' i took side and somebody broke me in some sort of way. I can't say that i don't care at all now cuz' it still pains me thinking about those memories. Bad time. Specifically, i sided Ka Seng and once i thought i made a huge mistake, his call makes me rethink again. So many rethinks going on.

Yesterday when i was waiting myself to fall asleep again i was considering of erasing part of the memories from this blog; some posts. I think i don't have to do, it's not necessary. This is part of me; part of my growth. It supposed to be there. That's how i grow to be a better person; to do greater things, to do better things.

The worst of being neutral

I went out for a gathering yesterday. A friend of mine just came back from India so we thought we could meet up, just to catch up a little. Not sure if i should call it a gathering or what cuz' it was just the three of us. But it was good, it was a beautiful evening. Can you believe you sit still at a place and talked for almost 5 hours? It wasn't that easy.

So Canris, Nicole and I. 

We talked about a lot of things and it was simply comfortable talking to them. Moreover we talked our language. I mean those jargon, nobody can understand unless they studied the same thing. So, it was easier. Talking about study, future and things and i found that they're all so ready and sure with their direction. I do have my own but i'm always not sure if that is what i want at the end of the day. 

The only thing in my mind is to graduate safely. My plan to go around the world, if i don't graduate i would have to stay all my life here, which means i will be stuck. I just want to go around and find myself, find the place where suits me the best and figure other things out. Plan to keep it simple. 

Actually i really don't have much to worry about i think i made it hard on purpose, somehow. What is the worst being neutral to almost everything? You don't know what you want for yourself. You can go left and right, that's just bad. 

Kind of lost. Kind of not knowing myself. Kind of losing it. 

Can't wait to grow up

Bad day bad day bad day!

Suppose be going out with Priya and ended up with all the shits. Argued with Ka Seng and tak jadi going out with Priya. I don't know if that's my fault for taking everything personal and serious. Maybe i'm just like that i'm not good on being other's friends. Fucking hate it. 

Beer does taste good with fucked-up mind. 

I don't really like birds. Maybe i can make friends with dogs. More dogs. So one day when i didn't show up at their place they will find me stuck in the bed. Animals do make better friends than humans. Can't wait to grow up, to be independent. They said it sucks growing up but i kinda can't wait to grow up. I want to grow up, so badly. Let me regret later.

Let go, and let live

Last few days i met my friend's girlfriend and on the way i sent her home we talked for quite a long time. I told her something she shouldn't be knowing at the first place; not on the first day we met anyway. That was personal. I told her already anyway so what did it matter now?

I watched a video yesterday on Facebook. It was about universe and the video was brilliantly made. I passed my laptop to dad and he watched that. I asked him if he understood anything out of that video. He said not really. I explained to him briefly and told him what it meant to me. That was the conclusion i made and it somehow had nothing to do with anything in the short video. I told him that we humans are very small; very, very small. You're almost invincible the moment the video zoomed out from the solar system to more solar systems, then more milky ways, galaxies and others. That small and we made our lives so hard; created so many problems and things, you know? So i told dad let go, and let live. 

I don't want to make my life so hard and measure it so terribly. I don't know how should i express it. But, just don't. I just want to be happy and live. Really. I'm learning let go, and let live. It is not easy. I've reminding myself very often so i don't forget. I'm a very absent-minded person. So i'll just do my best and let God decides its outcome. That's after all what i can do. 

I took a long afternoon nap and the result of it? I couldn't sleep now. I watched Grey's Anatomy and went to YouTube to watch some videos. I found out that one of my fav singer who was in a singing competition, she gave up her place cuz of her pregnancy. She sang that one particular song that brimmed my eyes with tear and got me started on my next short story called the 'Beautiful Days'. I thank her a lot and here i want to wish her all the best in the future undertakings. 

May God bless.

Talking bout' marriage

Today was a very delighting day. My friends and i went to Skybar to enjoy the cocktail as well as the environment. The night view of KL from the inside of the bar was really fascinating. It was good. As we called it a night Yean sent me to the nearest LRT station and i took train back home.

The past few days of CNY were kinda dull. We never visited any relative's house, only my friends'. Not many activities and that was what it was. One of the nights, it was two nights ago if i'm not mistaken Yin talked about relationships and she was asking if i was seeing any body. I said no.

I wanted to tell her the truth and something pulled me back. The next day i decided to tell her but the environment wasn't so encouraging and i told myself i could tell her the next day, which was today. While we were drinking i struggled if i should tell her but at the end i kept it to myself. I didn't say a thing. The feeling was shitty when you are keeping secrets from your really good friend. I don't know maybe that wasn't the time yet. I don't know if she felt something but i think she knew i wanted to tell her something.

It wasn't good.

During our drinking we played a bet. It was a guessing game. Long story short, those who lose will have to buy the the person who get married FIRST a drink, any drink. So to say his/her bachelor/bachelorette party will be held here. It was fun but somehow i felt really uncomfortable. I don't know if i would ever find the right person to spend the rest of my life with. So silly right. If i do find the right one i don't mind to be the first among them to get married, i mean it, sincerely.

How silly.

Good night.