Do not settle, at least for love.

I hate to write that i'm still not totally over him. It takes longer than i thought. Yesterday night was harsh, really harsh and hope my deceased dog Black was there with me on a night like this. Then, on the next morning, i stumbled across an article posted on facebook. I feel a lot better after reading it. I want to share with you all and here it is:

"I spent years trying to find a guy I was compatible with. I wasted so much time on people I knew I didn't have a future with. I just wanted to find someone who would appreciate me for exactly who I am. I'm a lover. I show my emotions almost immediately. I wear my heart on my sleeve and don't apologize for it. For years I struggled with feeling isolated from the gay community. People don't realize there's a lot of alienation within the gay community itself. The media often portrays homosexual men with a certain image- tall, skinny, muscular, perfect hair, and chiseled features. I don't fit that mold and it made me feel unworthy. Just when I was starting to give up on men, I received a Facebook request from Matthew. Apparently Matthew had come across my page on the "people you may know" section. He was so handsome and although I figured he was out of my league, I took a chance. I messaged him a simple, "Hi" and it was the best decision I've ever made. We hit it off from the jump and scheduled dinner plans for later that week. On the night of our first date, I was so nervous that I almost called off our plans. But something in my gut told me to go, to show up, and to push myself to be vulnerable one more time. When I arrived at the restaurant, Matthew was standing outside with a single rose in his hand. We hugged and I immediately felt the fireworks. The conversation that night flowed so easily and there was never a dull moment. As cliché as it sounds, I felt like we had known each other our whole lives. My message to anyone reading this is to just wait. Don't settle. Not when it comes to love anyways. Your person is out there and you will find them when the time is right. Actively searching for love never seems to work out. When you meet the person you're meant to be with, you'll know. You won't question it. You won't hesitate. And your excitement to be around them will never go away."

I need to move on. Just, move on already.

Just another race

As planned earlier, Roy and I went to KL International Towerthon. This was my first time so was his but he didn't seem so excited really. I was excited at first until i got into the tower. It was jammed up there, ventilation was poor but luckily there were rooms from level to level for us to get some air before we continue again. Because of the poor ventilation, the humid level, heat and smell made such terrible combination. It took us 40 minutes to finish the race, which the both of us feel 'that's it? This is the shortest race we've ever been into.' Literally. The worst part was the time when hundreds of people queuing to get down from the tower. In short, it was a nightmare. So much room to improve. Probably the first and the last one for me.

P/S: We met again today. It was sad to see him again, somehow, it's still tingly inside. I've been telling myself to just be cool but i think i'm just such a terribly real person. Disguise is just not my thing but i did my best. I had so many questions but i didn't ask. It doesn't matter anymore. I drew a clear line, a boundary, i had to because i need to get all my pieces together and move on. I think i have collected all and now i need time to stick them back all together. I didn't know this whole thing got me so fucking terribly. Probably why our conversation becomes... like how strangers talk. Solemn. Such a shame. I have to let it go already because it's so clearly it's not gonna work out and i have to get back on my feet. My mind already accepted the fact but my heart still needs some time. That time i was playing swing at the playground and i saw a man walking a Golden Retriever. There i thought, just get a dog. Why the fuck go through so many fucking shits and pain is all you get at the end?

Hanging out with my sister

My sister and I had gotten really close these days. If it is not because of her problems, and my problems, and if we never opened up to each other we probably not gonna be any closer. Well, thank God, everything is fine. We planned to go shopping and movie, which we did at the end, but let me tell what happened the whole day. It's kinda eventful though.

I finally went back to college. Not that i haeven't been back there but this time we all go back for literally a class, not some sort of briefing or something. And i finally saw Ms Chan. I told her about our Japanese dinner buffet and she agreed to join us! Although there were quite a lot of arrangement to be done. We called other lecturers too but so far none of them have replied to my message though. I'm gonna give them some time even i already made a reservation. Even if they are not going, our class will still go, my mentor will go, probably the dean will be there too. We invited her too. Being an organizer is just not easy but so far it's working, it's progressing, and i'm so looking forward to our first dinner together!

Besides, i thanked Ms Chan for talking to my sister. She has no idea how much effect the conversation had on my sister. She is finally living, most importantly living for herself. Being a secretive person, or a person who hardly express her feeling, is the hardest person to deal with. And Ms Chan made it happened. I'm beyond happy. Thank you so much.

So, we went for movie after classes. The Civil War. To me, it was really just so so. It's about the same thing it's the setting that was different. However, i did enjoy watching Captain America though. He's damn good looking hah! Then, we walked around the mall for a bit. My sister wanted to buy a hairdryer so we went in Harvey Norman. And that's the place kinda ruined my mood. We were trying to buy something of course the consumer has to right to test which suits us the most. How could a salesperson tell me 'oh, the cord and socket is broken, but it's the same like the others, it's just has a different temperature and setting bla bla bla'. For God's sake, is there really just one socket in the whole shop?! And the exact point of testing it because i want to know how it differs from others so that i can make a decision! Because it's something cheap i don't worth his time?! It's still a sale is not it? Not that he's busy with something. He was just standing right there watching us his hands akimbo! Luckily another woman walked over and solved my problem. As simple as testing the equipment out is enough do make a deal! If we are not serious buyer we will not demand for that damn it i'm burning up already. How could such a lazy person be working as a salesperson i just don't understand. I kinda made a verbal complaint in front of the cashier and manager after i paid the item. He's just so ridiculously rude.

Anyway, i had a really good dinner which calmed me a lot. Hungry stomach makes an angry person too i think. At night, my parents reached home before us. Did i mention that they went for vacation? Yeap, just the two of them. 'This is the first time, in 25 years, your dad bring me on a vacation, just the two of us.' mother said. She was really happy though. She is definitely recharged.

And game. I play games too. My game was going well too. Everything is fine. I'm just so happy everything is going well after so many restless nights. Not because of game, because of my messed up life. It's finally better. Just 2 things that's not so fun: 1. i have to do some modification on my dissertation and man, please just go well i want to graduate on time! 2. He messaged me about the race on this coming Sunday, still using that kinda flirty way to talk to me after all those things. I was pretty stern though. I didn't reply to any of those and basically didn't entertain them. I asked what i wanted to know about the race, and that's it. After the race, it's kinda a full stop. It's done. My heart still pounds a little but it's gotten so much better. I'm finally setting it down and move on. This time, i promised myself to never let something like this affect my emotion anymore. It's killing so don't it. No rush, until you're ready again.

My mind is calm right now. It is. Like still water. I don't want any ripples so, stone, don't fucking come near me i will kill you.

P/S: It's funny the images in my mind when i'm trying to sleep. So many pictures. I think these pictures gonna play like a slideshow, with some dialogues also, they are gonna play until i fall asleep. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Sometime, tiring day is a good day so my mind doesn't have to go through that 'reflection' process. It is just making sleep tiring.

The Intern, 2015

I realized i haven't done any movie entry in a so so long time. Probably i didn't watch any good movies recently but today, i'm so gonna write one- The Intern, 2015.

This is a very, very nice production. I downloaded this film a few hours ago. It took a while to download because the the definition was 1080p, plus my internet speed was kinda sucky so.. Anyway, this is such a good film. For 2 hours, i just sat in my chair, calm and still, completely taken away by this great production. The definition has to do with the whole sensation but the story is outstanding. The BGM too. I just like every part of this movie. It is a 2 hours long film and i was so into it i didn't know what was happening around me. Just me and the movie. And it took me awhile to come back after the movie ended. Such a great film!

I have learnt a few things watching this movie:

1. Flower blooms. No matter how old you are, do yourself a favor, be a nice person. Flower will bloom, flower still blooms.
2. At some point of our lives we hit rock bottom. Or forced to pick a side, like you are standing at the crossroad. If you're lucky enough, you will have that one friend who will knock your head gently and remind you of every single hard work you have done to have walked this far; building the empire. We know we have made the decision but we seek reassurance. We need confidence. We need people to believe in our decision. We need blessings. So, when you go to that one head-knocking friend, you are just there to hear some of those. Those that you've already known.
3. Because we are human, we will be mad. But if you can it up to your mistakes, do it and be good.
4. When you know things are not going to work out, step up and tell in blank and white to that person. Bad things happen and we are already unhappy. So, tell it. Don't hang things there because people cannot take it anymore longer, people need to move on wholeheartedly, just, do it. Be a gentleman and do it.

This movie used this word 'sentimental' a lot and it reminded me of a very close friend of mine. She always had my back. Sometimes she just did it so naturally to back me up. I slipped my mouth easily, something stupid and it angers or surprises people. She had my back. I still remember that one night after we hung out with a new friend, this slipped off my mouth 'ohhh i'm gonna cry!' Well, it could be surprising for some people to hear it from a guy and immediately Bavita said 'He is a very sentimental guy hah!' She saved me from that awkward moment. Bavita, thank you for coming into my life. It has been a blessing. Thank you so much.

'I believe that if i have one good friend and one real friend, i can get through anything.'

About this evening

I'm hitting the sack after finished writing this post.

I went out with my friend this evening; that one rare friend who likes discussion just like me. We were in a coffee shop drinking coffee and discussing anything that came through our minds, and just like that 3 hours past, long past dinner time. We speak a few languages, kinda nice to switch here and there from time to time. I think we used 3 languages this whole time. On our way home, i told her that somehow, she speaks so much, in a good way, in a wise way; it's rare. People avoid talking about it because it is too heavy, too stressful. Well, it depends who you talk to i'd say. Some people, you know, they are the right person to talk about things like this. She is the only one so far.
-'Being alive means living with regrets, that brim our eyes when memories flood over our mind.'

When i got home, i finally talked to my dad about my commitments. I have tans of those even before i finished my undergraduate education. He helped me. He saved me. I cannot tell how much i appreciate him as my dad. No one will ever love me this much.
-'Children are the shadows of their parents, ones that mirror every subtle details of their parent's' behavior and demeanor; which was why people start to say: when you teach your son, you teach your son's son'.

Always love you, dad.

Is marriage simply a paper?

I had so much fun tonight! It was supposed to be my friend's belated birthday celebration but i think i had just as much fun as her! Or more than her! HAHA!

We went to this Jap BBQ buffet restaurant called Rocko and IT.WAS.REALLY.GOOD! It has time limit though but i think we managed to eat just as much as just enough. One of my friends actually need some water to splash on his face because he said he has eaten too much oil LOL! I ate just as much. I couldn't eat meat the past few weeks so i ate only vege plus a little bit of meat. I just can't stand the taste. At some point, even the smell. Now, when i can finally use so meats, here we are, ROCKO! I kept saying '我觉得好幸福哦！' when i was eating. It means 'i feel so freaking happy right now'. I do. Eat can make a person happier, really!

Then, we went to Nana's Green Tea for dessert. When we were eating our green tea ice-cream we talked about marriage. Guess this is the aftermeal topic at this point of our life. My friend said maybe not to get married. Maybe we will get married but not kids. Marriage is just about the paper. I realised a lot of people have been saying that lately. At least the past 5 years. Probably they are right because divorce rate is so high in this modern society but i have a different opinion.

You know how hard the LGBTQ community fights for marriage equality in America? I'm genuinely happy for them because 1. they won and 2. they move on really quickly from time to time despite the political instability they are having right now. Anyway, why do they fight so hard for something the heteros take for granted? Is it really for just a piece a paper? A marriage is all about a paper? Here is what i think:　people like us don't do this for fun, people die from it. Plus, it is for the community, for their future, and most importantly, for their lovers. When people kept saying 'it is just a paper', it kinda gets on my nerve. Do you know everything is relatively harder for us. To be able to find your lover, to be able to walk on the street holding your lover's hand; loving him/her openly, to be able to build a family, to be able to have kids. You say it. It is so much harder some countries prosecute people from doing so! So when it comes down to marriage, the couple think it through most of the time because it is really hard. And when they have decided it is the right thing to do, that's what they wanted, it's not about 'doing it because that's what people do, signing a paper'. It is about security in all aspects. You want everything to be safe for your lover, for your kids, for your family. You want them to inherit whatever you have been working so hard your whole life: money, properties etc. and not be taken away when you're dead. Taken away because the both of them are not legally binded so all the deceased's belongings automatically turns into the government's pocket. This is just how it works especially when they didn't write a will. Not only that, when your lover is dead sick, or about to die, and you're being stopped outside of the ward because 'only family members are allowed to enter'. Imagine how traumatic it can be. They are not allowed to even see each other, in the worst case, to say goodbye.

However, i'm not saying their lives will go smooth or happily ever after, they are still human beings, they will still fight and stuff, and even divorce, but the odd is probably lower. Plus, there is a lot of controversy within the community, so many, so problems are still problems, they are messy, just like every single person out there. But at some point, you will know what you want, and what marriage truly means to you and your lover. Your partner. It comes down to what the couple truly wants at the end.

Is marriage simply a paper? No, it shouldn't be. If you think so, think twice before you get into one.

An interview with my broken heart

This time i'm going to be honest to myself. I'm going to write all of my feelings and questions in this post because, i need to put the devil inside me to rest.

It's more than 'just a shame'. I'm in love. I am.

Do i know him really well?
Not really. 

Then, how did you fall so hard for him?
I really don't know. 

There has to be something, right?
Have you heard about friendzone-ing a person? I kinda believe in that. I don't see a person as thorough as anybody should before i get into a relationship. I like to explore. I'm an explorer. I like to find out things about a person that i've fallen for. However, before everything, he must have something that attracted me, made an impression in me. Well, he... said something which pull my attention at the very beginning. It was just a casual lunch conversation. He told me how hard he liked this girl but she couldn't because she was older than him by 5 years. He remained single ever since. One more thing, in another joke-like conversation with a lot of people, a friend of mine asked him if he slept with any body before? He shook his head. Immediately, i was impressed. He has everything in him. He could have slept with any body he just needs to nod. Moreover, he knows how to sweet talk. Flirt. He's very, very good at it or i wouldn't have... If, whatever he has been telling is true, i am immensely impressed. I'm a traditional person. I don't like anybody to touch my body unless i liked a person and we must be strictly in a relationship. And my vision is clear; what i want in my life. When he answered that question, he made an impression that he, too, knew very clearly what he wanted for his life. For some weird reasons, that's how i think of him.

Is he even gay?
I don't know. I never asked him because i don't label any body. I tried labeling myself and it was harsh on even myself so i never did that to any body. And i don't think i'm gay anyway so i don't think he is. I don't know about him because the fact is, i really don't know him. But for me, I just like both. Don't say that word. I'm don't label myself. I like both because both are beautiful. But that doesn't mean i'm greedy. I'm a monogamist. I'm loyal once i'm committed in a relationship. 

Then, where you get to courage to confess when you don't even know if...?
You know, he flirted with me intensely. I have known no one, a guy who is strictly straight, will talk this way to another guy. NEVER. Also, i don't know if i'm over sensitive but he kept pulling my attention on facebook. Tagging me in some posts he knew i'd like, commenting on my post, liking my post, 'heart-ing' my post... quite often though. Even my mom asked me 'who's this xxxxxx guy?' I swear to God when i firstly knew him. I took him as a normal guy friend. I never thought at the wrong side. Until all of these happened, until he bought me a more-than-friend survenior, until i confessed my feeling, everything kinda fell apart.

For you, do you think he is gay?
Again, i don't know. i have questioned myself a lot about this because if i would to confess to him, i have to at least know he is interested in man. A lot was happening inside my brain. He is almost perfect. He can get any woman he wants. Why would he be interested in man? This was the main question spinning in my brain for weeks until one day, i told myself that this is impossible. He's just killing time or being playful. I dropped this he-may-be-interested-in-man thought and moved on. Until he came back and gave me that damn survinior. The survinior that gave me reasons and courage to confess. Now when i think about him 'killing time', he is just selfish.

So, you confessed to him. What happened next?
As said in the last post. He rejected me. If he tells me that he is straight I will be totally fine. Understand. When a person doesn't swing that way he/she doesn't swing that way. But, well, he simply told me that he was going to leave once he finished his study here. He didn't want to start something that has no conclusion. He told me 'getting together is easy but separation is hard.' My heart was a lil broken when he told me that. I feel, fooled. He fooled me. He was toying my feeling. He probably really just killing time. One who can flirt even with a guy can flirt with thousand of other people out there. That thought just disgusted me. Compared to being rejected with 'i don't like you that way' or 'i'm straight', the answer he gave me dealt me the worst damage. I simply replied him 'Ok. Thanks.' I don't know what else to say. He fooled me. Why would he start something like this if he fucking knew he is going to leave very soon? Unless he is just killing time. Or escaping something and he used me as a replacement. I don't know which is true because, again, i don't know him. I don't know him at all. The person i knew from the outside is totally different from the inside. I was mad. My heart was also broken. He fooled me. He was indeed just killing time. It burning inside. It was painful. My eyes even... tears up. I disgusted myself. I couldn't sleep well. I couldn't eat meat. I was eating a lot vege the past few days because meat made me throw up. I can't even take the smell. It was bad. Then, i asked myself 'how can you be so sad over something that has not even started?' I don't know. I was really sad. 

Then...?!
Things got better a few days later. I looked at the survinior he gave me the day before i met him again, i decided to gave it back to him. I don't deserve such delicate gift because, strictly speaking, i'm barely his friend. His classmates will even deserve that more than me. Moreover, i can't look at something that gave me reason and courage to pour my confession over somebody who fooled me. On that day, i passed him the certificate i promised to print for him, I even went out and picked the best paper to print it. I almost laughed at myself, and gave him back the gift. He said it was for me and this time, sternly, i replied 'i don't need it.' I didn't give any explanation neither did he ask. We didn't speak the whole period of class even i stood right next to him for 30 seconds. But i stole a glimpse on him. He didn't look up and didn't smile or talk to anyone, both hands folded across his chest. I left the room afterwards when everything was done.

How do you feel after that?
When i got back to my seat after giving back his stuff, i can feel my heart beating like crazy and both my ears were burning. I knew they were red because, i know myself. It is my body. But once i got out of the room, as i was walking to my car, i feel like... still water. It was a relief. I can breath again. But that doesn't last long though.

Doesn't last long? What do you mean?
He texted me. He asked why did i do that. I literally sneered, you know? I told him that he fooled me and he asked me in what way. He fucking dare to ask me how. I got mad and said 'still being pretentious when you know exactly what you have done.' and it went on and on up to a point i called him. I didn't speak loud or anything when he picked up i just told him not to be so cruel and play with people's feeling anymore. A little bit more and i hung up. He texted me and i ignored until the next afternoon. He asked if we can still be friend. I was still mad even on the next day. I asked him to meet me in the afternoon if you still want to be my friend again. He told me he was on the way to the airport and even sent me his bus ticket with the time clearly written on it. He was heading home because he once told me he has a marathon coming on the 1st May. I wanted to join him that time but i have too many commitments so i didn't join at the end. And, I wasn't that mad anymore when i saw that. I still care for him and at least, he still has the courtesy to send me that picture. I texted him why still friend. We didn't know each other that long and the conversation went on a little long.

I don't understand why he still wanted to be friend with you. All is over once you guys finished the course.
Exactly. That's what i was thinking too. That is why i don't know why he wanted to be friend with me even after all these conflicts. He simply replied me 'i have many friends but i don't have many TRUE friends.' But, as said, we hardly meet each other once we graduated, he doesn't have to, you know? i still have a feeling that he's still joking with me but he assured me he did not, i was probably a little angry at him so... everything he said sparked my fire up. I really don't know what he want. And he just 'heart-ed' my recent post on facebook despite all these. You see. I don't know. 

I'm sorry to hear all of these.
Me too. What a shame. This afternoon was still a little harsh on me but weirdly, i feel so much better at night. After the heaviest rain after 2 months of drought. Like all has evaporated. I can finally write about it. I don't think i'm mad at him anymore. I think i can look him in the eye and even talk to him. May God bless. Let's just see, how everything goes afterward. 

P/S: I don't have regrets. I liked him. That's the fact. But he couldn't like me back. That's a shame. I told him how i feel and even though this didn't work out, i think i can still wish him all the best. Whatever thing he is running away from, i don't know i somehow see something in him, i hope he overcomes it and live the best out of his life. I think, if i can really write it out now, i'm really feeling better already. I need to pay the temple a visit tomorrow. I need to thank Him to lead me out of this plight. :,)