About last night

I'm not sure whether to write this here or not cuz' this is pretty personal. You know my decision when i'm here, do you? I wrote few things in my diary but then i would like to share. Not much people though will read this post i reckon.

Since last week i was pretty excited about the reunion with my college mates and for some weird reasons i don't feel that good. Other than reunion, here is her birthday celebration held on the same day- her 21st birthday celebration. Straight away after her celebration at her home, she decided to hold the reunion at The Garden's Hotel and Residency. I was invited to attend both.

Earlier i was thinking if should i attend the birthday celebration. The angel has an argument with the devil and ended up the devil won. I don't quite know the reason of not going, i just don't feel like going. Or should i say the main purpose of that night wasn't actually about her 21st birthday. Conclusion, i did not go.

About 11 i left my house. My parents sent me there and they asked me to send them few of my friends' contact number in case that they couldn't reach me, then they left me at the hotel's lobby. Oh, before i go into it, i provided them a reason saying that i have something to do so i didn't go to her birthday celebration, but it was not, i simply didn't want to go. I'm sorry.

Then i received a call from her, and then i met Pei Rong and Chuan Rou before i saw her. Rou was same as before, stunning as ever. Pei Rong doesn't change much, same as last time. About her, i got to say this, she got prettier than she was in A-levels. Girl knows how to dress themselves nicely as they're growing up. Personally i still feel she looks better without make-up. So i gave her a birthday hug then we headed to the room.

It was a very impressive room. Amazing balcony with sucky view, anyway, kitchen with complete cooking and dining utensils, a big-enough dining table, kinda big living hall, last but not least, 2 awesome bedrooms with bathroom separately.

 Honestly i was very excited even before seeing them but you know, the enthusiasm wasn't there after not meeting up for a long time, a topic somehow hardly squeezed out. I saw Gordon and Ying Hao, well, they were impassive at first then only i broke the silence like 'am i the only one who excited seeing you both?' They slowly rose their body and started over me. I think is just me feeling excited ironically.

I saw Jia Wen, Yee Wen and Shi Xin afterwards in the room, they didn't bother to get out of it until i walked to them. Maybe they were tired but if i didn't see my friends for a long time i wouldn't have reacted that way. And they were silence the whole damn night, made me felt like an outcast.

Talking about her friends from Malacca, once i walked into the room i greeted them warmly and what i got in return was cold shoulder. I'm saying it frankly. I told them my name and i expected a reply and you know what, they hesitated on giving me their freakin' name. Com'on, i didn't know any black magic i wished i know, but i don't! I won't play around with your name! Loosen up! I felt like a pail of cold water splash directly onto my face. Guilty as charged. Not many people as friendly as i thought.

I talked to Gordon casually. He told me about his academic life and so was i. Just that, nothing much in details. I'm not interested anyway. As we grow up we learn to be tactful. Not that we're fake or pretentious but the society requires us to do so, at any circumstances. This is part of growing up, stepping into adulthood. I talked to Ying Hao and apparently get to know more of his life, finally, someone spoke something non-academic topic. Perhaps i used to meet up with him so the deviation is lesser. Anyway, i'm glad for him, genuinely.

Morning at the balcony. I still like the balcony. I still adore  the fact that he's my friend  worth me keeping.

Angel did not turn up due to working. She was one of them i wished to see the most but well, not happening. Some other time maybe.

The last one and the main reason i was there last night was to talk to her- the birthday girl. I waited her to get herself settled, and that took a long time. I stayed awake almost until 5 in the morning. Tell me about it. I don't know, really don't know i did it correctly or not, or a right time to tell her this, on her birthday, or would this hurt her feelings. I have a task need to complete, a long ago task in fact. We sat down at the balcony, and there i started my story. About how i fell for her, and why of all a sudden i disappeared and all, she seemed to be taking it in slowly. Reason, yeah, i told her that time i was discovering my gender orientation and preference, and i told her as well that i couldn't experiment anyone just for my sake, that is wrong. She let it sinks in. Then she replied 'You are pretty headstrong sometimes'.

A handmade 3D card my friends prepared.

Can't deny that cuz' i am stubborn. She said too that was a person's characteristic so it won't be easy to change. The conversation ended when friends came to the balcony, out talk got interjected, and that was all. Next morning i started to feel regret that i told her so much about myself. That suppose to be the thing mainly to be done, the main reason of coming. I thought i would feel better but actually it made it worse. It worsened my feelings and messed my thoughts up. I felt insecure. I afraid of how people look at me. I still am mind people judging me. I thought i overcame it but i was not. The whole day, today, i feel awful.

I am not straight and as well not gay. I don't really believe in bisexuality cuz' you somehow can't lean at the middle, at the verge of undecided sexuality. It makes no fair for any party and i don't want that. The day i discovered my confusion i promised myself not to get into any relationship until i figured it out. Becoming straight i'm feeling like lying to myself. Lying. Becoming gay i'm feeling like my life is fucking limited, nowhere to go. I'm lying to myself calling myself a bi. All the time. Delusional. Then i can't take judgements. Very suffocating. Any my parents. They have loved me all their life, and the last thing i want to do is to disappoint them. They may not have grandchildren, i may not have my own children as well. They may not able to hold their head up while speaking about me in front of anyone. Just anyone. I don't want to be their shame.

I love them all my heart.

I do not know what to do.

I'm always hurrying, finish the course, earn some bucks, leave the country, see the world. I don't know how long i can hold on it. I am suffering. I may look good but i'm definitely not. I have flaws. I reckoned my self-esteem got disturbed due to this issue. pretty much.

I'm scared.

I lead completely a different life. Or i'm just making my life hard?

I wander too far, let's finish the story. Next morning we went to swim, just me and Gordon while the rest just sat on the bench looking us swim. We had breakfast at Hokkaido- a Japanese restaurant in Mid Valley. Birthday girl left earlier cuz' she has got a place to go immediately and some friends left as well. And lunch was the awkward one.

Her friends from Malacca speaking a lot while we were all silence. Playing phones, looking nowhere, waiting foods to be served bla bla bla. I somehow feel i made such awkward situation. I just shouldn't even be there with them.

Ying Hao has a show to rush for so he was in a hurry. I didn't know how to get home using public transports reckoning i could follow him at least i could get some hints but he seemed not to hear me. And so for Gordon. I don't think they're not hearing me, they ignored me. Ying hao first left, then Gordon left to look for him so they could leave together. I'm not accusing i'm pretty sure about that. I asked Gordon whether he was going back using train or something. He first told me he may stay to look for pair of shoe for his brother then later on he said leaving with Ying Hao and earlier he was saying to go to a place using bus to KL Sentral all that craps. Can you see that. I don't have to speak much, do I?

I eventually ended up going back alone, with information collected from the mall's information counter and my university mates. Thank you very much. Conclusion: at any time, you need to rely only to yourself, nobody goona care. Remember.

I told my parents about all of it. Firstly my dad and he told me about his story which i never heard him speaking even a small piece about it last time, no, all my life. He has a past which he felt regret as well, a wasted friendship he said. I asked him don't you feel sad and he replid 'Son, of course. We used to be so close as how your friends and you were but a small misunderstand ruined it all. We tried to reconcile but it wasn't working out. Mustn't you heard of it a cracked mirror can never restore once its  perfection?' I nodded. ' Don't feel bad, everyone went through at least once in their life. If it can't stay it has a reason. Open to more chances, making more new friends, life doesn't only mean for one thing, one old thing. Son, you may grow.'

My mom said more or less the same thing after we picked her up at a place. There was a lot not writing anymore about it already. Pretty tired now.

The main purpose was finally done, that might be the last reunion of them i goona attend. I just didn't expect the worst of it. It was not so good, just that, genuinely my point of view.

P/S: This post, the whole time while i'm writing actually made me feel so much better.

CPR test

Today's exam took only 5 minutes to complete.

I was having my first aid examination today and i think it was fine until Mr Raymond, our first aid examiner asked me a question which i realized i answered partially correct later. I was pretty disappointed cuz' if i know better i could have done better.

I have expectation on this test cuz' i like first aid, i want to do my best but i don't think i'd given my best. I even thought that soon in the future i might take up first aid course to officially become a professional first-aider.

I was kind of upset for the rest of the day.

A day out

We had a day out.

Suppose the main aim we went out together was to choose her boyfriend a present but she was so mad at him after an argument in the morning with no significant reason. I found it ironically hilarious. Can't deny sometimes it happens. Having a moment is sort of a hormonal fluctuation, or having period. Guys do have period, not like women, but something like mood swings and all psychological disturbances.

Well, enough scientific facts. We took our brunch at Pizza Hut and as soon as we finished with it and walked around Pavilion. Wandering, just wandering like pair of neatly-dressed hobos LOL. Paid a visit to Pull&Bear but stuff in there wasn't so enlightening. We left without buying anything. She ended up buying nothing for her boyfriend as well.

I shall say the morning and our outing pretty much ruined due to him. Not to say blaming anyone, if that didn't happen all could possibly go well. Think about it. Priya was so up-setting'ly moody and i kind of affected by her.

Then we decided to sit on the stairs located just in front of the main entrance of Pavilion. They are having a fashion show so we thought we may as well sit there and enjoy. We do enjoy.

We left as the fashion show came to an end.

On facebook i wrote her a status hoping to delight her and give her a lift on his current fucked-up emotion. Here is what i wrote:

      'Seriously speaking, one is so much more than enough, so much more. Moment when conversation is effortless and silence becomes an appreciation, which is what happens today. Sitting at the stairs and watching modelling show with you is the happiest thing to do, simple yet content. Tell you what, you're special in all way, no matter what happens you're the most special thing ever crosses my life. Despite all odds, I'll be there when you need me. That is what friend is for. Remember that.'

P/S: Sincerely.

Sis's achievement

Utterly a boring week.

Ah, something important to update! My sister got her SPM result and guess what, she freakin' got STRAIGHT A's for her SPM!! When i rang her up i was like 'what? Serious?' I couldn't believe it. She just broke our family record! By far the greatest one!

Well, as her brother i'm genuinely glad for her!

To celebrate her achievement my dad brought us all to Manhattan's Fish Market for our dinner. We had a great time dining there.

And there i saw a book fair and bought myself a book, i'm pretty sure all of your had heard of it 'To Kill A Mocking Bird' by Harper Lee. This is one the of World's greatest classic literature, can't miss it obviously! As soon as i finish E.L James's Fifty Shades Darker, i will straight away start reading Mocking Bird. I left not more than 100 pages, guess i can finish it by tomorrow! Fifty Shades is good, not much for the sex scenes but the story of a broken boy, that is so heart-aching. You should really try reading it, put all the stereotypes aside for God's sake!

Like magic sprinkles over my body, can't really believe i like reading, it's now like my hobby!

I will slowly finish all the books listed here.

Oh i saw this on facebook. I'm not really a believer, but i somehow feel warm looking at this picture, like it speaks a lot. Presence of God is still necessary for whatever reason. For me, a mental support character, no offence.

P/S: Give more, expect less.

21st

Feeling so lazy these days, never touch book in awhile making me a little guilty.

Last week was really bad, and this week seems a little too dull. Friends in college don't really look good, they all are having personal problems. Well, me... ah, when can i get my laptop back? Sent it for repair for a week already and hasn't get any notice back. I might take some time i guess.

I thought i suppose to attend a reunion this Friday, but apparently i made a mistake, it is on next Friday! I kind of looking forward to it, i didn't see them for a long time, literally. I wonder how are they doing lately?

And Siew Wen is turning 21 next Friday and i'm thinking what should i prepare as her present. I hate this task, goona be a hardcore task.

If you're asking me what would i like for my 21st birthday present, let me be proudly said that 'i would like consent from my parents to ink my own body'. That is my wish for my 21st birthday. Birthday is just another day, 21st happens to be one of those years. I don't adore or wish for any surprise party, i mean it.

I might be boring, but this is me. The thing i'm thinking for my own's sake, matters.

Browsing the nets for some tattoo again, not something new. This is the tattoo i hoped on my foot, will i get it on my coming birthday? Unknown. Of course, the quote would be different, my own quote, it contains my story.

A messed up week

Quick update. What a dramatic week.

Wednesday was a dramatic day, all kind of things happened and making such a mess. Anyway, before all we took a picture together and i found it quite nice. Give me some time, i'm taking things in, they are sinking slowly. We will be good friend, Tammy.

Hmm, a little effect she put in the photo. Swear to God, no advance photoshop added.

Today was even dramatic, fucking annoying! I'm not making a scene here, but don't you feel irritated when someone touched your body no matter just hair or whatever, without your permission and notice? Moreover, for the love of God, i don't even close to him. Dear God, why are there so many assholes and retards? Their brain certainly not working well if they thought that is a fucking joke. A fucking lame joke.

You are just somebody that i used to know, no, i never know you, guilty as charged. So please keep your fucking hand off me, or i'll break you hand next time, i kid you not, kinky fucker!

Well, but still after such idiotic incident i managed to went and have fun with few friends. That calmed me for a little though. I had fun, thank you.

Tomorrow i'm going to meet Priya, ahhh, what a relief, i have so many things to tell her. Missing the days with her. Let's wish a good day tomorrow!

Oz'ed with Wen

Well, i came all the way from PJ to Ampang just to celebrate my good friend's birthday and her new job in UOB. Supposingly it was all on me but she said that would be on her treat. She was so lovely. She knew i spent a lot on books, she volunteered of it all. I don't know what to say.

Thank you very much. Next time when i'm financially stable please let me do the honour.

Talking about what we did tonight, we had our dinner at Subway and bought a cup of coffee from Starbucks. Okay, i know i'm so broke but i couldn't resist my favourite drink. Then Wen drove all the way to another mall and there we watched 'Oz the Great and Powerful'.

After the movie all i felt was amazement, impressive, awesome and stunning, utterly stunning. Last time i would say 'let's not waste money on such movie, why don't we go for something a little real?' and now i would be very likely to take my words back.

Oz was good. The scenes, although it was all fake but it was so comfortable, so lovely and peaceful until i somehow didn't want to withdraw myself from such breath-takingly beautiful place. I can't stop praising the sceneries. The mountains, the waterfalls, the flowerbeds, the woods, the palaces, even the cemetery, kid you not, those were sooo impressive.

Coming out with such an idea and making it seemed so real on the screen, no words needed, the pictures said it all. Rolling in the acting of amazing actors- James Franco and Michelle Williams, boom! Magic! Especially Franco, he took my breath away!

I'm not joking, if you're giving me a chance, i'll be more than willingly to stay there, the kingdom in the movie. With lovely people and environment, why not? Just too good, not hard to think why people will suicide after watching Avatar. Well, for me Avatar is so-so.

No offence, i mainly looking at James Franco though. 

Overall, a very great night.

Results

The time when i footstep into college again i have no time for blogging.

The first week itself lecturers already gave us tans of works to do. And now it is the second week, even worse than first week itself. More than that, i have exam to sit for too, what a week. 

Just dropping some words here. My semester one's results had been released yesterday. It was fine, i pretty satisfied with my results. I don't need to get very good results, as long as i won't blame myself afterwards. 

I will keep on my good works.

Just thinking, if my formative had been a little better than i i've gotten, which is bad, i think i could have scored better than my current results. But well, i'm good with it still, thank God.

p/s: i can do this, sem 2, i will nail you!!