It was the disease talking

I was transferred to IPD, as i wished from long ago. I enjoyed every bit of it, no doubt. It makes work so bearable. Not that i hated my job, i love it, but you get a little bored over time. A small change in the environment boosted the fun a little. Of course, having to deal with the doctors and nurses are sometimes a pain but that's just the package, nevertheless. 

I received a heartbreaking news from my colleague just now. One of my many patients i cared for just passed away. I have been taking care of her physical aspect the whole time except the time i wasn't around, my colleagues will replace me. And that happened when i wasn't around. It was pretty painful but not as bad because it's been going down hill over the course. Went from walking around to bed-ridden to semi-counscious to unconscious and back on to talking but super weak, little did i know that  was the last time i saw her. 

She's a pain. A real pain. I tried to understand her, wearing her shoes but for quite a long time i just couldn't. Then, when i saw her went unconscious it rang a bell in me. It wasn't her, it was the disease. It was the disease talking. I started putting in more and more patience and gentleness. I knew she was afraid of cold she would call me to layer her with a few blankets before leaving. On a good day she would even say thank you to me. She's trying her very best to the very end of the day. May you rest in peace and walk along side God. 

Be kind, be humble. Be good, be happy. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a sunny day.

疗伤

过去的会议令我很受伤，情绪非常的受影响。我很努力地在疗伤，赶快好起来吧。

Devastated by department meeting

I was devastated. Work wasn't good. The departmental meeting didn't go well, it ended hideously. I voiced out for the benefit of the whole department and got shot back from being thinking only for myself and not the hospital. Physiotherapy wasn't appreciated by the management. I am not a money-making machine. My education taught me enough about exploitation. I am a little screw out of this huge money-making machine and i knew well enough i won't be able to make any differences, and i very much hope to not be apart of their ultimate motto- to make more money. They're just never enough. And so i realise, for that very reason, clinician and management can never get along. One thought you can perform even better to earn more money and another thought you never thought for our benefit and compensation. All the management know is to use the years of experience to debate and step right on top of your dignity. What a cheap way. The management added another line and repeated 3 times 'We have done the best to all of you, if you are not happy about it you need to leave. You need to leave this company.' Such an ironic return out of your hard work.

My parents had long supported my resignation, and my mom made it clear that this hospital isn't right for me. My sister called soon after. I apologised to her that i complained and whined again and she said 'It does not have to be good news all the time. We do not need to only talk about good things. We can share our sorrow together.' They comfort me a lot. Thank you. For this very time, despite with the cancer rehab thing coming and nobody knows if it's gonna happen same to certification, i have to properly think if this place is right for me. We just don't have the same value. That's a shame.

~Keep walking, don't stop.

The scent from clean clothes

I was doing treatment for my patient the other day. The scent from his clothes were so flowerish i can smell it a few steps away. It reminded me of a video i watched quite some time ago on Facebook. It was talking about a couple where the lady is going blind. She was devastated and didn't have any idea how to tell her husband. Right before that scene, she said a line while doing her laundry- 'a man with dirty clothes is a man that is not loved by his wife. Now his whites are always white and his colleagues know that he is loved.' And i know, despite my patient's devastating accident, he is still so very loved by his family. 

~Keep walking, don't stop.

If I ever be honest enough...

I've known this person for almost a year now. She's 87 this year. She's also my patient. She asked me quite a few times if I ever wanted to get married and have kids. It is a funny question. A question i always lie to myself. She told me 'Isn't it good to be single so that you're free to do so many things.' I do not know the whereabout of this question and how she feels deep within, that must be something bothering her. At her age. All i know is she had a son, nearing 40 or above 40, still remains single. She told me her son used to have a partner but no longer. He simply doesn't like it. And i could tell she likes that 'solitary life' idea too.

Coming back to the question she asked me, i always tell myself I prefer to be alone, it's okay to be all by yourself, i can live with it. Nothing is wrong with it. However, if i ever be honest enough for even one time, totally honest to myself, the answer is 'yes, i would love to get married and have a family of my own. I want to have 2 kids at least, ideally 3. I would love to be apart of their growth and i wanted  to share my joy with the people i love, especially my partner.' I have always wanted that. I wanted to meet person, do dating, everything, the old school way. It has a kind of beauty in it. Love it.

Come to think about that, all i think was too ideal. And after all, i have lost the courage to meet new people and fall in love. I do not know what to do about it.

~Keep walking, don't stop.

Quality care vs Quantity care

I was pretty emotional the past few days. I am based in the out-patient department and to be honest, our workload is pretty low compared to the in-patient department therapist. I have been constantly hearing complains from my colleagues about how heavy their workload is and they're struggling. All of them always go home late not because they're incompetent at their work, it is simple not enough man power in the ward. I feel bad for them especially when out-patient department was slow, and they are going crazy in the ward.

I believe in work-life balance. When you have to work extra hours because of the lack of man power, it is the first step compromising it. When those extra hours go unpaid, it adds up to it and it is called exploitation. You try to finish your work as fast as you can because you have a life outside of work, compromising the quality care. When high quantity override quality, it eventually gives physiotherapy a bad name... and i feel sad because the more i work, the more i like my job. I respect my career and the people trying hard to deliver the service, but the management makes it impossible. I don't want to grow to hate my job. I can't say i love it yet but i do like and enjoy my work... and i hope the people i work around with feel the same way. But i guess... the longer you work the more you feel dead. That's how you feel when you work for the pay check and your passion is long gone. It's dead. You can't feel it anymore, the work numbed you.

I refuse to step into that trap. I refuse to feel dead inside. I need to be patient and strive harder so that in the future, i will get the freedom and power to hopefully has the slightest positive influence to my comrades. I do not have a coach to teach me hence i struggle through everything. I hope i can coach and help the rest to excel and learn to love what they do, so they don't have to go through the hardship I'd been. It's no fun.

Until then...

~Keep walking, don't stop.

2018, a big leap in career!

it's been a long time since the last post, i almost forgotten that i own a blog. 

Last year was great, i learnt i broke into pieces and i rebuilt myself. 2018 is going to be huge to me. If oncology rehab works out, it will be a big leap in my career. I'm very excited to it. That's probably my plan in 2018: Focus on oncology rehab and make it happen.

My friend gave birth to a pair of twin. Two boys. They are not full term baby, both underweight and were under observation for the past couple of weeks. I heard from my friend that the elder was discharged while the younger one has 0.25g more to go. May God bless them.

Chinese New Year was great. I went home for 9 days and this time my sinus did not get triggered as bad as the last time i came home for Christmas. The past nine days with my parents i realised that although i love them so very much i couldn't stay under the same roof with them. I'm a grown man and have my own lifestyle that differs from them. I know if one day i move back to KL i need a place to stay, and there i bought a house. Once the bank approves the loan it's all set. Another huge thing. I hope everything will fall into places slowly. 

And my laptop broke down. It has serviced me the past 6 years and i am truly grateful for that. I am now using a new laptop blogging. Macbook Air. It was not a new model and relatively smaller in size compare to the old one, but it fits into my budget and i thought, i have been window user my whole life and i can give a new system a try. Please be well, i'm going to need you for my work in the coming years.

"Keep walking, don't stop."