Spared love, my 2013.

Tomorrow i'll be taking my exam and i just get the timetable, i was the second to go in. Hmm.. i will do my best. And that's the best i could do. And sometimes i find it really funny. Ms Chan, my PT lecturer, is one of the most respectable persons in my life. We were having class and as usual, she taught and nagged us like well, a mom. She said something that really pulled my attention:

"You know now the education standard is pretty low. The students should be taught in such a way that they will be globally accepted." She gave a quick glance before clearing her throat. "If you want to be globally accepted, you have to be strict to yourself."

In a conversation less than a minute she spoke so much into us if you can see it. Okay, at least me. She wanted us to be globally accepted and the only way to achieve that, hard works. No shortcuts. Discipline. Strict to every little details disregard to its importance. See?  Globally accepted. This is very important to me. That determine my future. I can't write everything down of why i'm saying so but urhm... This can change my life. Just, important. And sometimes she can be really hard and hurtful in a way but at the end of the day, she wanted us to be successful.

"Getting good grades is one thing, but my students graduated as a credentialed degree holder is much important to me."

I think i'd mentioned something of the same thing previously i can't help it. I just couldn't thank her enough. I've sought for comfort everywhere yesterday because i don't feel good i'm not confident about the exam but this morning, when we were having class together she somehow made me feel confident again. I don't know how to pen it down but this is how she made me feel. For a lecturer, she meant world to me.

Appreciate that. Thank you very much.

I went youtube earlier and watched few videos. One of them was about boxing day. They were very happy all together as a family and the reactions on their faces were indescribable. I will try my best to make that scene come real in my coming future, Hopefully.

Thank you everyone who had spared me love the whole year. I couldn't thank you enough. And, may you have a very nice new year and may God bless!

Dying alone

I have no idea how to start this post.

A lot of things running in my mind i don't know which should i deal with first. 

When you're working you wish you could go back to study. And when you're studying, how much you wish you're back to working world. I don't enjoy studying. It gives me so much pressure and moreover, i am not sit-here-and-study-your-whole-life kind of student. If the college provides field trip i would be the first to register.

Coming up is musculoskeletal exam and to be honest, i'm not quite ready for it. I had an amazing Christmas and now i'm not really getting my study mood back. I urhmm... not really touching the books yet and the exam is in Tuesday, which is tomorrow. I have a very bad omen. i'm going to fail this subject. If i really do, i can only blame myself for it, for not doing anything about it. 

Other than that, a lot of things still which i'm not quite comfortable revealing here... So i picked up a book and started reading and in less than a day i finished up the half already. And i went to exercise every day to clear my mind up. It does help a little though but not until deep night. 

I would probably die alone.

Conversation of the day

"I try to open up myself for more things."

"Can you give me some examples?"

"Like musics and sexuality."

"Do they have connection with each other?"

"No."

"Are you saying you are gay?"

"I won't say that but i won't deny either. It is like at some point you started questioning yourself a lot of things and these are those that came to my mind. I'm absolutely neutral to a lot of things. And i'm doing fine."

"What about musics?"

"I like mellow kind of musics and one day i heard of a heavy metal song i couldn't remember its name. I hated it at the beginning then i asked myself why not i just give it a try. I bought an album later then and surprisingly, it was helpful clearing up my mind."

"That is interesting."

"Yeah. Not until you give more things more try's. You never know you may like them."

Loopholes

I watched a show just now and kinda made me feel sad.

This show inevitably made me think that a lot of medical services are meant for the upper class people. I'm not picking on the rich based on what they have and it's a sin to own them but on the contrary, i'm trying to say how unfair all these important details are to those belong to the lower class people.

Taking an example, after a surgery the patient would have to undergo a chain of rehab programmes to restore them back to a functional individual. That gonna cost a lot. Rehab is not a cheap programme and it is kind of a long term programme, which mean a person would have to keep on pouring cash into it. A common example would be stroke. To restore a patient with stroke it gonna take hell long time and yes, it takes a lot of money out of a person.

I do understand general hospitals are there to help them out but a lot of things are kinda make things impossible to approach. How much do i need to say to make a person understands the difference between a general and private hospital?

Everybody knows.

Back to university

Okay the first day is kinda light so not much complain here. But sadly our first lecture after one month of posting, it turned out to be things about thalamus so guess what, all the things that were taught earlier all gone, left some pieces in our faraway memory land.

Ms Chan called a meeting regarding our posting and she asked us from IJN, how was everything. We told her everything was great and it was a fantastic month. She was glad for us genuinely. One, we were happy. Two, they were happy. Three, she is happy. Four, we learnt a lot. Five, she chose the right persons. So, everything was indeed great.

At night my sister shared a picture online which caught my attention immediately. That picture made me reflect on the incidents and moments in last month. I wrote my feeling in the perfect way, complete good sense.

I don't know if they are the right ones but for the mean time they made me feel good about myself and... urhm... whatever written on the picture above, they were all i'm feeling right now. So, yeah. I enjoy very much learning and working with them. I mean it.

Allow me to put one more picture. Here they are.

End of posting

Can you believe that time is really passing that fast? It is like i just started my posting and i'm terrible sick, putting on a mask and working as usual? However, we didn't take a picture together at the end but everything is in our mind, every single seconds, every single scenes. Ahhh, what a beautiful view.

On the last day everyone in the department were discussing our departure. We all planned to buy a cake for them to say thank you and the day before our last day, i went and bought it. and early in the morning we did our thank-you-speech and things. We did it in the morning because that is the only time we can see all of them. So yeah.

Did i learn anything from it? Yes. I did. A lot. I didn't know where should i start from cuz' if i would to write everything out it may take half of my day. Seriously, i'm very happy i was posted there. Exposure in ICU, PICU, HDU, ward, gym and the rest, they were all great. Every week i had a reflection and i told myself i chose the right course. I'm here for a reason.

Allow me to write a list.

• Thank you Mr Azran for teaching me about CRP I,II,III. 6MWT, cardiology and cardiothoracic.
• Thank you Mr Radzwan for teaching me everything about paediatrics, suction, and percussion.
• Thank you Mr Hafizi for teaching me all about BP and pharmacology.
• Thank you Ms Siti for encouraging and teaching me about the ways to handle patients in the ward. You encouragements i will remember a life time.
• Thank you Ms Hafiza for helping me out my very first patient in my first case study on the 2nd POD. I didn't know what would happen if she didn't come together.
• Thank you Ms Malina for asking about my patient and at the same time teaching me about the case.
• Thank you Ms Zaidah for teaching so many things during the time in ICU. I learnt so much i couldn't thank her more.
• Thank you Ms Ain for her continuous encouragement and kindness.
• Never the less, thank you Madam Boey for fitting me in last minute. Without her nod i won't be here at the first place.

They gave sufficient time and space for us to learn and grow. And they even wished all of us 'all the best' before we leave the department at 5.15pm. You have no idea how much that meant to me, personally. My life is much beautiful with them crossing it. It was lovely.

Thank you for everything.