My life up until now

I was so into a game these days and forgot to make any blog post for like... a month? Today I'm here to update a little about my life and express a few thoughts i have lately.

Adventist Hospital won't hire me until i received my results from my university. So, basically, i'm done with university and currently waiting for the results. I have been working here and there while waiting for it; attending training that have nothing to do with what i'm going to do in the future, working something that has no relation at all. But one good thing out of it is... i'm finally off the debt! I have fully returned the money to my friend! She loaned me while i had an emergency and thank to her, everything was good again. While waiting and waiting i got a little impatient. I started to feel so upset that whatever i'm doing is such a waste of time, and worrying that whatever that had been promised during the interview may get turned down because honestly, it has been 2 months ago. If the hospital has hired me without the cert first, i would have been working there for 2 months already. I'm worried and my mind runs wild. So put myself into work and games. I play while i'm free so i won't overthink on something that i have no control over. Once a worrier, forever a worrier. Anyway, i feel so much better that way. Then, a week ago i attended a reunion. My friend asked how am i doing. I told her everything and she said "If i were you, i want to study for a bit first. Getting into the society too early makes me feel boring too soon... and i'm way to young to feel that way." Thinking about what she said, she may be right. I want everything to go fast. Run fast. Work fast. Everything fast. I worry about my future, i want to work towards my goal, to have a stable financial status, to fall in love, to create a family etc. An ordinary dream actually, and i'm afraid i won't be able to do it. I have plans but i'm stuck here. Now, i probably can take this opportunity to appreciate my surrounding in a slower pace. 

Because i'm desperate, i fell badly and took a long time to recover. Remember that i was fooled that time, and i was so upset. But then, now, no more. I feeling really good. Thanks to him i'm afraid of attachment. I can't do it anymore. And i don't want to feel sad over people that have never felt that way for me. I'm too tired of that. It took me a long time to get back the peace of my mind. So long. And i'm so comfortable now. Until, i'm ready to get hurt again, i shall stay in this comfortable bubble of mine. Afraid, and tired. 

And Elaine went to London 2 weeks ago. I planned to visit her next year when i'm financially stable. And my convo is in this coming November. And i have made a few good friends both in real life and the virtual world, and i'm getting even closer to my best friend Yean, and many more. So many things happened and so little time to update. I can't remember all of them but so far so good. And i hope things keep going that way. AND, I MAY BE ABLE TO GET MY RESULTS BY NEXT WEEK! NEXT MONDAY! JUST KEEP MY FINGER CROSSED AND GUYS, PLEASE PRAY FOR ME AND MAY GOD BLESS!

Our precious friendship :)

I went out with Bavita last week. It was a great day. I've known her for 4 years now and she never liked to plan. So, as usual, i planned our day. We had breakfast at Pizza Hut. We talked about our days, our friends, and stuff. I can't remember since when our friendship was distanced. I thought i have done something wrong until my sister told me if i had given her an answer as promised. So, i told her i'm going to Peneng to work. I went to the interview few weeks ago and it went well and i decided to work there already. Then, future was what we talked about the rest of our breakfast. 

We walked around the mall after breakfast. She wanted to buy something for her nephew. We spent quite some time together picking up stuff just like before. Eat. Drink. It was great. We decided to go to a bar to quench our thirst because we never tried drinking in the afternoon hah! Anyway, we got a little tipsy. The longer we sat, the tipsier we got. So we paid and left. We walked around like a pair of laughing fools. Then, we stopped outside British India. We were fascinated by their design and went inside. We knew we couldn't afford the clothes right now but we wanted to have some fun and went in anyway. She picked a dress she really liked and i picked mine. A top. And we looked stunning! I liked the picture so so much!

The day went really well. I drove home after i brought her home. I was worried our friendship will end with our course but luckily it didn't. She is a very kind and loving friend in my friend circle. Friendship with her is the one i would never give up. I swear. These 4 years would be impossible without you. Thank you. 

I went to SCKLM last Sunday. Went well but came back with a pair of hurting legs. It is a lot better today. Padang Merbok route is so much harder than Putrajaya's my dear God! Probably not full marathon anymore, half is enough lah!

Epiphany...?

Nobody was home this afternoon. My parents went out, my sister went out too, and it was only me at home. So i decided to watch a movie at the cinema. Alone. I went into the hall after i got my lunch at Burger King. 

Alice Through The Looking Glass. It was splendid. I'm pretty sure nobody liked spoilers so i'm not gonna talk much about it but the main reason i'm writing this post is because this film reminded me something. Remember in the last post i said i got an interview in Peneng? Yea, it's on this coming Friday. A little nervous that's completely normal. A lot of bad things happened in Peneng. Every time when i was in Peneng. It must be a curse. That was what i used to think. It was not healthy i know that. Can't help it. Therefore, i have always told people that i hated Peneng. I reminded me of bad memories which i hoped to forget forever. And now i got a job interview there, which i hope it works out. How funny isn't it? Then, while i was watching Alice, Time said 'You can't changed the past no matter how hard you try, you can't alter it. But you will learn something out of it.' Those words. How splendid wasn't it? It's quite hard to get through it don't you think? 

I got a conclusion finally. I didn't hate Peneng, i'm fear of Peneng. I'm afraid that the same bad things will happen again. I went to Peneng... twice? Thrice? Every visit there crushed me. I'm fear of it. But Time taught me to face my fear because what lies beyond fear is something beautiful. Something good is waiting ahead. Don't be afraid of the past, don't hate the past. It teaches you and you learn from it. Or learning something you don't know too. Therefore, dear me, be calm and have faith. There are beautiful days ahead. Pull up your big boy pants and be brave. For you are the only one capable of choosing the life you longed for. At the mean time, work hard and be patient. 

p/s: I got myself little something. That caption makes me smile.

Finally here, building my career

I didn't realize that i didn't write for a month. The past month had been both good and bad to me. Remember that day when i enrolled into physical therapy school it was already 4 years ago. I remember i told myself that 'Get the fucking cert and get the hell out of there'. Well, it's almost time.. and i'm panicking because i'm really a grown man. I should be happy and looking forward to the future... right? But why do i have so many butterflies in my stomach?

I sent tans of resumes out there and hope one of the hospitals abroad will take me in. Well, so far no news from any of them. I sent to local hospitals too and well, no news as well. I've been on my own for almost 6 months now and once i graduated i need a job almost immediately. I'm nervous. I'm afraid. Please tell me it's normal. I went to an interview last Monday. It was a studio, a pilate studio. Well, you know, no much for physical therapy and more like a instructor. I'm not ready to let go of the knowledge i've taken so much effort to gain. The pay was okay, it's in KL where i live, i should be happy and relief that i have a job isn't it? Yes, they wanted to hire me but you know what, 2 years contract and something was wrong. My instict kept telling me something was wrong but i don't know what exactly. The employer called me to mail him after i think about it. I didn't reply him. Of all, like Eddy said, this job just grants me a financial security.

I went to see my mentor once i was done with the interview. She offered quite a bit of advice and she got me another interview. It is in Peneng. I'm heading over next week. I don't know what is gonna happen but i will give it a shot. It is a hospital setting. My mentor told me i need a few years of hospital experience to carry me abroad, which is my intention all these years. She remembered. And it felt different from the interview i went last Monday. It was different. The feeling. This... feels right. If the interview went well, i may have a lot of arrangements to do.

I'm finally here at this stage. What i really hope is that i can reach my goal soon and never forget it. Everything will be alright. May God bless the lost child the right path.

p/s: Finally changed a new phone. So much better using the new one.

今天，我...

今天我很伤心因为我发觉我渐渐没有朋友了... ...

Class dinner on last Saturday

I planned a class dinner earlier and on last Saturday, most of us made it, even the lecturers! It was a great night. Went through a lot of fuss and mess and behind everything were tans and tans of hard work even for just a dinner. I'm glad that it worked out! I should have made this post last Saturday itself but i was too tired to do anything. I just finished an event job yesterday and the dinner was at the middle of my work so it was quite exhausting. I was funny to see my Indian lecturers eating Jap (Mitasu) for the first time though. After 4 years, that night was the day i saw so many different facial expressions, so hilarious! I'm gonna put up a few of my picks from our dinner oon last Saturday, as Ms Chan said, 'see all my babies are grown now!'

Do not settle, at least for love.

I hate to write that i'm still not totally over him. It takes longer than i thought. Yesterday night was harsh, really harsh and hope my deceased dog Black was there with me on a night like this. Then, on the next morning, i stumbled across an article posted on facebook. I feel a lot better after reading it. I want to share with you all and here it is:

"I spent years trying to find a guy I was compatible with. I wasted so much time on people I knew I didn't have a future with. I just wanted to find someone who would appreciate me for exactly who I am. I'm a lover. I show my emotions almost immediately. I wear my heart on my sleeve and don't apologize for it. For years I struggled with feeling isolated from the gay community. People don't realize there's a lot of alienation within the gay community itself. The media often portrays homosexual men with a certain image- tall, skinny, muscular, perfect hair, and chiseled features. I don't fit that mold and it made me feel unworthy. Just when I was starting to give up on men, I received a Facebook request from Matthew. Apparently Matthew had come across my page on the "people you may know" section. He was so handsome and although I figured he was out of my league, I took a chance. I messaged him a simple, "Hi" and it was the best decision I've ever made. We hit it off from the jump and scheduled dinner plans for later that week. On the night of our first date, I was so nervous that I almost called off our plans. But something in my gut told me to go, to show up, and to push myself to be vulnerable one more time. When I arrived at the restaurant, Matthew was standing outside with a single rose in his hand. We hugged and I immediately felt the fireworks. The conversation that night flowed so easily and there was never a dull moment. As cliché as it sounds, I felt like we had known each other our whole lives. My message to anyone reading this is to just wait. Don't settle. Not when it comes to love anyways. Your person is out there and you will find them when the time is right. Actively searching for love never seems to work out. When you meet the person you're meant to be with, you'll know. You won't question it. You won't hesitate. And your excitement to be around them will never go away."

I need to move on. Just, move on already.

Just another race

As planned earlier, Roy and I went to KL International Towerthon. This was my first time so was his but he didn't seem so excited really. I was excited at first until i got into the tower. It was jammed up there, ventilation was poor but luckily there were rooms from level to level for us to get some air before we continue again. Because of the poor ventilation, the humid level, heat and smell made such terrible combination. It took us 40 minutes to finish the race, which the both of us feel 'that's it? This is the shortest race we've ever been into.' Literally. The worst part was the time when hundreds of people queuing to get down from the tower. In short, it was a nightmare. So much room to improve. Probably the first and the last one for me.

P/S: We met again today. It was sad to see him again, somehow, it's still tingly inside. I've been telling myself to just be cool but i think i'm just such a terribly real person. Disguise is just not my thing but i did my best. I had so many questions but i didn't ask. It doesn't matter anymore. I drew a clear line, a boundary, i had to because i need to get all my pieces together and move on. I think i have collected all and now i need time to stick them back all together. I didn't know this whole thing got me so fucking terribly. Probably why our conversation becomes... like how strangers talk. Solemn. Such a shame. I have to let it go already because it's so clearly it's not gonna work out and i have to get back on my feet. My mind already accepted the fact but my heart still needs some time. That time i was playing swing at the playground and i saw a man walking a Golden Retriever. There i thought, just get a dog. Why the fuck go through so many fucking shits and pain is all you get at the end?

Hanging out with my sister

My sister and I had gotten really close these days. If it is not because of her problems, and my problems, and if we never opened up to each other we probably not gonna be any closer. Well, thank God, everything is fine. We planned to go shopping and movie, which we did at the end, but let me tell what happened the whole day. It's kinda eventful though.

I finally went back to college. Not that i haeven't been back there but this time we all go back for literally a class, not some sort of briefing or something. And i finally saw Ms Chan. I told her about our Japanese dinner buffet and she agreed to join us! Although there were quite a lot of arrangement to be done. We called other lecturers too but so far none of them have replied to my message though. I'm gonna give them some time even i already made a reservation. Even if they are not going, our class will still go, my mentor will go, probably the dean will be there too. We invited her too. Being an organizer is just not easy but so far it's working, it's progressing, and i'm so looking forward to our first dinner together!

Besides, i thanked Ms Chan for talking to my sister. She has no idea how much effect the conversation had on my sister. She is finally living, most importantly living for herself. Being a secretive person, or a person who hardly express her feeling, is the hardest person to deal with. And Ms Chan made it happened. I'm beyond happy. Thank you so much.

So, we went for movie after classes. The Civil War. To me, it was really just so so. It's about the same thing it's the setting that was different. However, i did enjoy watching Captain America though. He's damn good looking hah! Then, we walked around the mall for a bit. My sister wanted to buy a hairdryer so we went in Harvey Norman. And that's the place kinda ruined my mood. We were trying to buy something of course the consumer has to right to test which suits us the most. How could a salesperson tell me 'oh, the cord and socket is broken, but it's the same like the others, it's just has a different temperature and setting bla bla bla'. For God's sake, is there really just one socket in the whole shop?! And the exact point of testing it because i want to know how it differs from others so that i can make a decision! Because it's something cheap i don't worth his time?! It's still a sale is not it? Not that he's busy with something. He was just standing right there watching us his hands akimbo! Luckily another woman walked over and solved my problem. As simple as testing the equipment out is enough do make a deal! If we are not serious buyer we will not demand for that damn it i'm burning up already. How could such a lazy person be working as a salesperson i just don't understand. I kinda made a verbal complaint in front of the cashier and manager after i paid the item. He's just so ridiculously rude.

Anyway, i had a really good dinner which calmed me a lot. Hungry stomach makes an angry person too i think. At night, my parents reached home before us. Did i mention that they went for vacation? Yeap, just the two of them. 'This is the first time, in 25 years, your dad bring me on a vacation, just the two of us.' mother said. She was really happy though. She is definitely recharged.

And game. I play games too. My game was going well too. Everything is fine. I'm just so happy everything is going well after so many restless nights. Not because of game, because of my messed up life. It's finally better. Just 2 things that's not so fun: 1. i have to do some modification on my dissertation and man, please just go well i want to graduate on time! 2. He messaged me about the race on this coming Sunday, still using that kinda flirty way to talk to me after all those things. I was pretty stern though. I didn't reply to any of those and basically didn't entertain them. I asked what i wanted to know about the race, and that's it. After the race, it's kinda a full stop. It's done. My heart still pounds a little but it's gotten so much better. I'm finally setting it down and move on. This time, i promised myself to never let something like this affect my emotion anymore. It's killing so don't it. No rush, until you're ready again.

My mind is calm right now. It is. Like still water. I don't want any ripples so, stone, don't fucking come near me i will kill you.

P/S: It's funny the images in my mind when i'm trying to sleep. So many pictures. I think these pictures gonna play like a slideshow, with some dialogues also, they are gonna play until i fall asleep. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Sometime, tiring day is a good day so my mind doesn't have to go through that 'reflection' process. It is just making sleep tiring.

The Intern, 2015

I realized i haven't done any movie entry in a so so long time. Probably i didn't watch any good movies recently but today, i'm so gonna write one- The Intern, 2015.

This is a very, very nice production. I downloaded this film a few hours ago. It took a while to download because the the definition was 1080p, plus my internet speed was kinda sucky so.. Anyway, this is such a good film. For 2 hours, i just sat in my chair, calm and still, completely taken away by this great production. The definition has to do with the whole sensation but the story is outstanding. The BGM too. I just like every part of this movie. It is a 2 hours long film and i was so into it i didn't know what was happening around me. Just me and the movie. And it took me awhile to come back after the movie ended. Such a great film!

I have learnt a few things watching this movie:

1. Flower blooms. No matter how old you are, do yourself a favor, be a nice person. Flower will bloom, flower still blooms.
2. At some point of our lives we hit rock bottom. Or forced to pick a side, like you are standing at the crossroad. If you're lucky enough, you will have that one friend who will knock your head gently and remind you of every single hard work you have done to have walked this far; building the empire. We know we have made the decision but we seek reassurance. We need confidence. We need people to believe in our decision. We need blessings. So, when you go to that one head-knocking friend, you are just there to hear some of those. Those that you've already known.
3. Because we are human, we will be mad. But if you can it up to your mistakes, do it and be good.
4. When you know things are not going to work out, step up and tell in blank and white to that person. Bad things happen and we are already unhappy. So, tell it. Don't hang things there because people cannot take it anymore longer, people need to move on wholeheartedly, just, do it. Be a gentleman and do it.

This movie used this word 'sentimental' a lot and it reminded me of a very close friend of mine. She always had my back. Sometimes she just did it so naturally to back me up. I slipped my mouth easily, something stupid and it angers or surprises people. She had my back. I still remember that one night after we hung out with a new friend, this slipped off my mouth 'ohhh i'm gonna cry!' Well, it could be surprising for some people to hear it from a guy and immediately Bavita said 'He is a very sentimental guy hah!' She saved me from that awkward moment. Bavita, thank you for coming into my life. It has been a blessing. Thank you so much.

'I believe that if i have one good friend and one real friend, i can get through anything.'

About this evening

I'm hitting the sack after finished writing this post.

I went out with my friend this evening; that one rare friend who likes discussion just like me. We were in a coffee shop drinking coffee and discussing anything that came through our minds, and just like that 3 hours past, long past dinner time. We speak a few languages, kinda nice to switch here and there from time to time. I think we used 3 languages this whole time. On our way home, i told her that somehow, she speaks so much, in a good way, in a wise way; it's rare. People avoid talking about it because it is too heavy, too stressful. Well, it depends who you talk to i'd say. Some people, you know, they are the right person to talk about things like this. She is the only one so far.
-'Being alive means living with regrets, that brim our eyes when memories flood over our mind.'

When i got home, i finally talked to my dad about my commitments. I have tans of those even before i finished my undergraduate education. He helped me. He saved me. I cannot tell how much i appreciate him as my dad. No one will ever love me this much.
-'Children are the shadows of their parents, ones that mirror every subtle details of their parent's' behavior and demeanor; which was why people start to say: when you teach your son, you teach your son's son'.

Always love you, dad.

Is marriage simply a paper?

I had so much fun tonight! It was supposed to be my friend's belated birthday celebration but i think i had just as much fun as her! Or more than her! HAHA!

We went to this Jap BBQ buffet restaurant called Rocko and IT.WAS.REALLY.GOOD! It has time limit though but i think we managed to eat just as much as just enough. One of my friends actually need some water to splash on his face because he said he has eaten too much oil LOL! I ate just as much. I couldn't eat meat the past few weeks so i ate only vege plus a little bit of meat. I just can't stand the taste. At some point, even the smell. Now, when i can finally use so meats, here we are, ROCKO! I kept saying '我觉得好幸福哦！' when i was eating. It means 'i feel so freaking happy right now'. I do. Eat can make a person happier, really!

Then, we went to Nana's Green Tea for dessert. When we were eating our green tea ice-cream we talked about marriage. Guess this is the aftermeal topic at this point of our life. My friend said maybe not to get married. Maybe we will get married but not kids. Marriage is just about the paper. I realised a lot of people have been saying that lately. At least the past 5 years. Probably they are right because divorce rate is so high in this modern society but i have a different opinion.

You know how hard the LGBTQ community fights for marriage equality in America? I'm genuinely happy for them because 1. they won and 2. they move on really quickly from time to time despite the political instability they are having right now. Anyway, why do they fight so hard for something the heteros take for granted? Is it really for just a piece a paper? A marriage is all about a paper? Here is what i think:　people like us don't do this for fun, people die from it. Plus, it is for the community, for their future, and most importantly, for their lovers. When people kept saying 'it is just a paper', it kinda gets on my nerve. Do you know everything is relatively harder for us. To be able to find your lover, to be able to walk on the street holding your lover's hand; loving him/her openly, to be able to build a family, to be able to have kids. You say it. It is so much harder some countries prosecute people from doing so! So when it comes down to marriage, the couple think it through most of the time because it is really hard. And when they have decided it is the right thing to do, that's what they wanted, it's not about 'doing it because that's what people do, signing a paper'. It is about security in all aspects. You want everything to be safe for your lover, for your kids, for your family. You want them to inherit whatever you have been working so hard your whole life: money, properties etc. and not be taken away when you're dead. Taken away because the both of them are not legally binded so all the deceased's belongings automatically turns into the government's pocket. This is just how it works especially when they didn't write a will. Not only that, when your lover is dead sick, or about to die, and you're being stopped outside of the ward because 'only family members are allowed to enter'. Imagine how traumatic it can be. They are not allowed to even see each other, in the worst case, to say goodbye.

However, i'm not saying their lives will go smooth or happily ever after, they are still human beings, they will still fight and stuff, and even divorce, but the odd is probably lower. Plus, there is a lot of controversy within the community, so many, so problems are still problems, they are messy, just like every single person out there. But at some point, you will know what you want, and what marriage truly means to you and your lover. Your partner. It comes down to what the couple truly wants at the end.

Is marriage simply a paper? No, it shouldn't be. If you think so, think twice before you get into one.

An interview with my broken heart

This time i'm going to be honest to myself. I'm going to write all of my feelings and questions in this post because, i need to put the devil inside me to rest.

It's more than 'just a shame'. I'm in love. I am.

Do i know him really well?
Not really. 

Then, how did you fall so hard for him?
I really don't know. 

There has to be something, right?
Have you heard about friendzone-ing a person? I kinda believe in that. I don't see a person as thorough as anybody should before i get into a relationship. I like to explore. I'm an explorer. I like to find out things about a person that i've fallen for. However, before everything, he must have something that attracted me, made an impression in me. Well, he... said something which pull my attention at the very beginning. It was just a casual lunch conversation. He told me how hard he liked this girl but she couldn't because she was older than him by 5 years. He remained single ever since. One more thing, in another joke-like conversation with a lot of people, a friend of mine asked him if he slept with any body before? He shook his head. Immediately, i was impressed. He has everything in him. He could have slept with any body he just needs to nod. Moreover, he knows how to sweet talk. Flirt. He's very, very good at it or i wouldn't have... If, whatever he has been telling is true, i am immensely impressed. I'm a traditional person. I don't like anybody to touch my body unless i liked a person and we must be strictly in a relationship. And my vision is clear; what i want in my life. When he answered that question, he made an impression that he, too, knew very clearly what he wanted for his life. For some weird reasons, that's how i think of him.

Is he even gay?
I don't know. I never asked him because i don't label any body. I tried labeling myself and it was harsh on even myself so i never did that to any body. And i don't think i'm gay anyway so i don't think he is. I don't know about him because the fact is, i really don't know him. But for me, I just like both. Don't say that word. I'm don't label myself. I like both because both are beautiful. But that doesn't mean i'm greedy. I'm a monogamist. I'm loyal once i'm committed in a relationship. 

Then, where you get to courage to confess when you don't even know if...?
You know, he flirted with me intensely. I have known no one, a guy who is strictly straight, will talk this way to another guy. NEVER. Also, i don't know if i'm over sensitive but he kept pulling my attention on facebook. Tagging me in some posts he knew i'd like, commenting on my post, liking my post, 'heart-ing' my post... quite often though. Even my mom asked me 'who's this xxxxxx guy?' I swear to God when i firstly knew him. I took him as a normal guy friend. I never thought at the wrong side. Until all of these happened, until he bought me a more-than-friend survenior, until i confessed my feeling, everything kinda fell apart.

For you, do you think he is gay?
Again, i don't know. i have questioned myself a lot about this because if i would to confess to him, i have to at least know he is interested in man. A lot was happening inside my brain. He is almost perfect. He can get any woman he wants. Why would he be interested in man? This was the main question spinning in my brain for weeks until one day, i told myself that this is impossible. He's just killing time or being playful. I dropped this he-may-be-interested-in-man thought and moved on. Until he came back and gave me that damn survinior. The survinior that gave me reasons and courage to confess. Now when i think about him 'killing time', he is just selfish.

So, you confessed to him. What happened next?
As said in the last post. He rejected me. If he tells me that he is straight I will be totally fine. Understand. When a person doesn't swing that way he/she doesn't swing that way. But, well, he simply told me that he was going to leave once he finished his study here. He didn't want to start something that has no conclusion. He told me 'getting together is easy but separation is hard.' My heart was a lil broken when he told me that. I feel, fooled. He fooled me. He was toying my feeling. He probably really just killing time. One who can flirt even with a guy can flirt with thousand of other people out there. That thought just disgusted me. Compared to being rejected with 'i don't like you that way' or 'i'm straight', the answer he gave me dealt me the worst damage. I simply replied him 'Ok. Thanks.' I don't know what else to say. He fooled me. Why would he start something like this if he fucking knew he is going to leave very soon? Unless he is just killing time. Or escaping something and he used me as a replacement. I don't know which is true because, again, i don't know him. I don't know him at all. The person i knew from the outside is totally different from the inside. I was mad. My heart was also broken. He fooled me. He was indeed just killing time. It burning inside. It was painful. My eyes even... tears up. I disgusted myself. I couldn't sleep well. I couldn't eat meat. I was eating a lot vege the past few days because meat made me throw up. I can't even take the smell. It was bad. Then, i asked myself 'how can you be so sad over something that has not even started?' I don't know. I was really sad. 

Then...?!
Things got better a few days later. I looked at the survinior he gave me the day before i met him again, i decided to gave it back to him. I don't deserve such delicate gift because, strictly speaking, i'm barely his friend. His classmates will even deserve that more than me. Moreover, i can't look at something that gave me reason and courage to pour my confession over somebody who fooled me. On that day, i passed him the certificate i promised to print for him, I even went out and picked the best paper to print it. I almost laughed at myself, and gave him back the gift. He said it was for me and this time, sternly, i replied 'i don't need it.' I didn't give any explanation neither did he ask. We didn't speak the whole period of class even i stood right next to him for 30 seconds. But i stole a glimpse on him. He didn't look up and didn't smile or talk to anyone, both hands folded across his chest. I left the room afterwards when everything was done.

How do you feel after that?
When i got back to my seat after giving back his stuff, i can feel my heart beating like crazy and both my ears were burning. I knew they were red because, i know myself. It is my body. But once i got out of the room, as i was walking to my car, i feel like... still water. It was a relief. I can breath again. But that doesn't last long though.

Doesn't last long? What do you mean?
He texted me. He asked why did i do that. I literally sneered, you know? I told him that he fooled me and he asked me in what way. He fucking dare to ask me how. I got mad and said 'still being pretentious when you know exactly what you have done.' and it went on and on up to a point i called him. I didn't speak loud or anything when he picked up i just told him not to be so cruel and play with people's feeling anymore. A little bit more and i hung up. He texted me and i ignored until the next afternoon. He asked if we can still be friend. I was still mad even on the next day. I asked him to meet me in the afternoon if you still want to be my friend again. He told me he was on the way to the airport and even sent me his bus ticket with the time clearly written on it. He was heading home because he once told me he has a marathon coming on the 1st May. I wanted to join him that time but i have too many commitments so i didn't join at the end. And, I wasn't that mad anymore when i saw that. I still care for him and at least, he still has the courtesy to send me that picture. I texted him why still friend. We didn't know each other that long and the conversation went on a little long.

I don't understand why he still wanted to be friend with you. All is over once you guys finished the course.
Exactly. That's what i was thinking too. That is why i don't know why he wanted to be friend with me even after all these conflicts. He simply replied me 'i have many friends but i don't have many TRUE friends.' But, as said, we hardly meet each other once we graduated, he doesn't have to, you know? i still have a feeling that he's still joking with me but he assured me he did not, i was probably a little angry at him so... everything he said sparked my fire up. I really don't know what he want. And he just 'heart-ed' my recent post on facebook despite all these. You see. I don't know. 

I'm sorry to hear all of these.
Me too. What a shame. This afternoon was still a little harsh on me but weirdly, i feel so much better at night. After the heaviest rain after 2 months of drought. Like all has evaporated. I can finally write about it. I don't think i'm mad at him anymore. I think i can look him in the eye and even talk to him. May God bless. Let's just see, how everything goes afterward. 

P/S: I don't have regrets. I liked him. That's the fact. But he couldn't like me back. That's a shame. I told him how i feel and even though this didn't work out, i think i can still wish him all the best. Whatever thing he is running away from, i don't know i somehow see something in him, i hope he overcomes it and live the best out of his life. I think, if i can really write it out now, i'm really feeling better already. I need to pay the temple a visit tomorrow. I need to thank Him to lead me out of this plight. :,)

Just, such a shame

Do you remember i have written about me falling in love? Things got pretty interesting... or rather sad.

I went out with my mom yesterday and we talked about relationship stuff. She talked about that guy. She remembered him because he came over to my house last time for a race. She remembered him asking me where did i feel the pain in a very softly spoken manner and now my mom told me it was really, really softly spoken. Well, i didn't feel it at all that time because he was just one of my friends that time, just a normal friend who go running together, nothing much. So happened that she remembered him and she asked a little about him because she realized i had been talking about him a lot lately. She spoke it out even: Gay is fine. It's a little hard to accept but what can the parents do, he's their son. It take some time to digest but it will be fine.

I startled by her words. I don't know if she knows or she's trying to retrieve some information about myself, my mom is just good at it, somehow, her words encouraged me to confess. Things are going to be fine, my mind told me so after my mother said that to me. So, that afternoon, i asked him out for lunch on the coming Monday. He spun around the question, as always, i don't really know why, and agreed in a very flirtatious way. Today, he texted me about him couldn't make it because he has an important meeting to attend. Well, i told him to fix a date since he is much occupied than me all the time, and he started it all again, the flirtation.

I was really confuse. I confronted him in a very cautious manner because i don't know what was he trying. It turned out to be quite funny though. He replied that he was into me too, and a lot of things, and at the end he also told me he will leave the country once he completed the study. Separation is harder, so he said.

It was still good to know the answer now because i couldn't live in uncertainty. It kills me bit by bit. I can't do my work properly and it kept my mind working and working it doesn't know when to stop! But, well, i know now, and i can sleep better now. It's a shame. What i believe is that, we only live once, be brave to love and let love, even for the shortest time together. Bittersweet memory makes good memory, because it is not a broken journey after all. I just feel so... stupid. Like i've been fooled. He shouldn't have started all these if you know you're not able to commit. Why do this? Say something like 'Are you the one i'm looking for all these while?' Simply unnecessary.

Just, such a shame.

How do i feel. A little bit sad, definitely. But one cannot feel sad over something hasn't even started, right? It's okay, i learned the answer and i shall sleep well tonight, with a calm heart. God, will You sing me a lullaby tonight?

Nothing depressing in this post!!

I have so many to say in this post. Good thing. Nothing depressing i promise!

First, he came back from Australia and surprisingly, he bought me a souvenir. I never have expected that. It's a surprise to me. I have dropped my silly thought already and this friendly gesture put my mind back on work. Well, as i said, a friendly gesture. But i still think if he bought this for his many friends and i'm just one them. Anyway, that little thing is enough to make me happy for the whole day because at least i know, he puts me into his thought while coming to get souvenir. The way he handed me the souvenir is kinda cute. I was distributing the survey forms and i planned to get them back at the end of the class. So, before i could get them he handed the whole stack of survey forms and on top of the paper sits a key chain, the souvenir, and so quickly he said "that's for you" and walked away. It's kind of a dumbfounded moment, i stood there for 0.5 second and moved back to my seat, took the key chain off the stack of paper, never really looked into it and put it inside my pencil box, still thinking about the scene just now. About 10 minutes later, i stood up, made a few casual chats with my friends and walked over to him. I thanked him for getting me that key chain and also said it looked nice and i liked it and stuff, and trying to bring up some conversation but i kinda screwed it up i was pretty.. not to say nervous.. you know shit comes out when you're trying so hard. You thought you got it but you don't. You instead just lost it. HAHAHA! Anyway, i don't really care if that's an overbuying item but if he has the courtesy to give it to me, i still appreciate it because i know i'm gonna take good care of this souvenir. I like its subtle details. Simply like the gift, or the gift'er.

Now, about this book. I believe many know or even read about this book 'The Kite Runner'. It was just another sad story; full of guilt and redemption. But as said by Soraya, in the book, 'Sad story makes a good story.' Not utterly sure about it but the meaning is there. I haven't finished the book but i'm about to but i know i'm going to have hangover after i finish it. So many parts in the book i found so emotional. About childhood, fatherhood, manhood, friendship, guilt, redemption. Love too but it took a little portion in the story. The book is full of war too. And a lot of Afghanistan custom, which i never known until i read the book. Sometimes, the few sentences are the reason you read a book. You find so many surprises within a book you may have known the writer or at all foreign to you. So full of surprises. 'The Kite Runner' is a book will not soon make me forget. Hangover. In short. And these particular paragraphs, the first two, are the one i can relate the most. My dad is about is about the same as Baba. Not exactly, just about the same.'

How not surprising many people found comfort in books, huh?

24

24

Is that you?

You look familiar

A figure

I see 

So often

On the street i should afraid no more

It's a figure

Long past adulthood

A figure

Getting go on your own

A figure

Painted of weariness

24

I'm almost there

It's just a few months away

To befriend you in no time

That means

I'm soon to finish up

What I've started years ago

As if all just began yesterday

Chilly morning

Sunny afternoon

Stormy evening

Windy night

But look

24

It's me

It's just a few months away

24

These days were

Sunny at the outside

Stormy at the inside

The nerves are not mine

The heart

Either

The tingling and

Numbing nerve

With a rapidly pounding heart

One can feel 

And hear

On, neither,

A sleepless nor restful night

Silent night is simply

Another

Fairy tale

24

I'm younger version of you

Whom soon create a life of my own

A life I longed a lifetime

Since the day

I started everything

But

24

Why is the moment I've been waiting for

My entire life

Turn out to be the nest 

Of

Unsettling nerves and heart?

Why is it so fearful

One's hands tremble?

The excitement just vanished

No one knows?

24?

24

I'm weak

Bewildered

Unprepared

For the life events

That soon crashing in

In no time

I'm no close

To any of my elder siblings

Who welcome

Life

Open-handedly

With tremendous confidence

That 

Life

Will be

Full of joy

Which was

The biggest promise

I had 

Entrusted myself with

Years ago

When i first started it all

24

I'm standing under an old oak tree

I'm standing at the middle of the prairie 

I'm standing beneath an orange-pink skyline

I'm standing alone

Closed eyes

Opened arms

Letting the sunset-scented wind

Brushing against

Every inch of my skin

Letting all in

Letting all out

I know

The dandelions are dancing

So are the oak leaves

The grass

So clean

As if the nature is playing me a hymn

A hymn

So unique

Nowhere one can find

24

The wind has stopped

I can hear the birds now

I can hear the squirrels too

And something foreign 

Like breaths

An elk!

It's an elk!

His anthers so close

Just an inch away from my right cheek

As my eyes flipped open!

I took a few steps back

And He turns toward me

Magnificent!

I stretch out my hand

Opened palm

He drew His face closer

Toward

My hand

My tears rolled down

Mercilessly

And now I declare

My final defense 

Has been broken

As we

Touch

24

Within seconds

His torso dissolved 

Into 

Clouds of fireflies

Spanned across the prairie 

Beneath the darkening skyline

And the breeze starts again

So soft so tender

My hair waving backward

My tear dries

My emotions settling down

I stood up

Gazing 

Absorbing

It will be fine

My future

Will just be like

The illuminating prairie

So calm

So beautiful

24

I'm your younger sibling

Shall you assure me

I'll be fine as a human

Keeping myself alive

I'll be fine as a son

When my parents age gracefully

I'll be fine as a lover

When I found the love of my life

I'll be fine as a father

When I have kids I already love now

I'll be fine with my job

When i work one with an undying passion

As God bless

Everything will fall into places

When the time comes?

24,

Regards

23

7pm

Sunday

17 April 2016

http://allpoetry.com/poem/12629770-24-by-SoaringFeathers

Summary of my last placement

I usually do a summary at the end of every clinical placement and here comes my very last summary of my posting life:

- This placement is beyond knowledge and skills; it went all the way to auditing, advertising, road show, multidisciplinary spirit, marketing yourself, and the most important one- soft skills. You don't know how important general knowledge is in building rapport. Knowing the client's background or watching cartoons just to deal with the kids, general knowledge has helped so much.

- I was lucky to have met a man who somehow killed part of my worries. 'What can go wrong, what can possibly go so wrong?' This will be forever inside my mind when i make important decision.

- I've met specifically these 4 clients that had challenged my perception on toughness. These 4 ranged from the age of 1.5 to 65+ y/o with traumatic medical history. All of them cried during treatments due to various reasons; physically, mentally, and emotionally. Then, they calmed themselves, returned us with a smile and keep on going, except for the 1.5 y/o she's the most heartbroken one among all. They never give up. The path of recovery is full of pain, tear and hard works, and that just showed how tough they are in order to get better no matter how old you are. Us, with healthy body, should have nothing to complain about.

- The setting has many down-to-earth people. Clients who teach you how to do your interviews, doctor who purposely make time to talk to you about SCI and its rehab, speech therapist who talked to you about life after grad and how should things go from there, and lastly, the head of physio department whom i find horrifying. If i would to describe her in one way i can only think of this: if my mind has trigger point, she can just locate it so accurately and release it straight away. So painful and frightening because it is so personal but you feel so relieve afterwards. Hauntingly beautiful.

What have i learnt the past 6 weeks? I've learnt things beyond. Guess this is how last placement looks like. May God bless.

The things my sister reminded me of

I am not myself these days. I've been waiting for... stuff. Replies, messages, attention, from one particular person. I think... i'm in love.

The worst thing to be in love is you're no longer under control of yourself especially your emotion. My emotion tends to be manipulated by his action. I hate it because you can't even control your own self. Plus, I don't even know if he feels the same way. I visit temple very frequently these days because i can't quite get hold of myself. My emotion runs wild all the time. You know... the feelings of waiting for a simple reply? That ringtone so soft but manage to pull you out of your deep sleep and read the content. This is bad. I'm losing myself. I'm losing my value. I'm losing control.

Just now, my sister came to me and told me about her day. Apparently Ms Chan, my beloved mentor, noticed something is wrong with my sister and she wanted to help. So, she called her to stay after class and they had a long talk. Everything; studies, relationship. As my sister and I were talking, she reminded me of a lot of things i had told her when she was deeply in love. I told her to never lose your value no matter how in love you are. She has to protect herself just in case one day the relationship doesn't work. I told her to never be emotionally controlled by her lover. Don't die waiting for his messages, presence and be affected when things don't come as expected. I told her to never put her happiness solely in her lover's hand, they will drop and break it. I told her to never lose balance. I told her to always remember to love herself more. I told her so many things and yet i was the one who lose everything, over a flower bud no one knows will bloom.

He is to be blamed. He kept pulling my attention for a while now. At first i thought he was just fooling with me but he did it very frequently and started flirting with me. I don't know if he is for real or simply joking but he did it both publicly and privately lately, all via social media. I have been keeping my chill but i think im losing it. The worst thing is i don't know if he is into man? I'm not a shy person but will become reserve when i don't know a person's identity. Should I ask him out? Anyway, if he keeps on giving signals i'm really going to give it a shot.

However, after the conversation with my sister, i need to pull myself together and never be manipulated emotionally anymore. If we are meant to be together i believe things will fall into places. I have my own stuff to do i can't be so immerse with something that hasn't even came true. At the mean time, just, love yourself more. <3 p="">

Fall into places

Days have been great, but not so great. Not quite sure how to describe it, it is so complicated... I feel tired and this matter has been all over me. I don't want to be dictate by others, by my emotions. It's tiring. Hopefully all the things will fall into places.

Good night.

The faraway place you once promised youself

It took me long to remember the promises i once promised myself. I got carried away by the novel i read not long ago, being in it for quite a while and got depressed after realizing how cruel the world is. Then, a chain of incidents happened and they pull me back from my poor fantasy and depression.

I started my clinical placement, the last one, finally, and that means i'll be meeting a lot of people from different background. On one ordinary day, i met a guy dressed so ordinarily walked into the department. We chatted for quite some time as treatments were going on. He told me his story and it motivated me. You won't believe this ordinary guy sitting right in front of me can be so... unbelievably motivating. He kinda took part of my worries away. He told me 'Just go, go get what you want, be brave to dream. If you dream, make sure you dream big.' I was still doubting, he continued 'What can go wrong? What can possibly go so wrong?' This sentence pierced right through my heart. What can go so wrong, he said, yes, what can possibly go so wrong?

Then, i saw a Facebook post and it brought back all the promises i once swore i would one day fulfill. It was written in Mandarin and can be translated as 'never forget the faraway place you once promised yourself'. 

- I promised to study hard and go abroad to work and find my happiness there.

- I promised to study hard and go abroad to build a family i've longed for so long.

- I promised to never forget to treat patients with my heart and never get carried away by money.

- I promised to use the littlest money to give the most to the patients who can't afford medical fees.

- I promised as long as it is manual skills i can perform rather using machines, i will do it because it doesn't cost much as it is under my control.

I remember that time i told myself that money will never dictate my life but as i got closer to the society, i realize these probably just fantasies. It requires so much to stay alive; get food, pay bills etc. How ironic.

Then, i remember that one thing i once said to a friend 'We have come so far; out of a million sperms, we won, we were the chosen ones, and we struggle so long to grow up and finally capable of making decisions that are right for ourselves, why not just be brave to live, let live and enjoy life? Enjoy the Earth, a place we will only visit once and never come back anymore when the time finally arrives.' Since when i've become such a coward? Or i have always been a coward i just didn't know?

P/S: I read a book today. It's a photography journal about a baby and a dog. Look up 'Maru in Michigan' and you shall find tans of pictures about them. Oh, they are one cute happy gay family. ;)

This time, my depression made me cook

A lot had happened the past few days. I went to Penang for vacation but it turned out to be very tiring. I wanted to go Penang because i wanted to visit a friend, and another friend of mine wanted to go with me and she fell sick. So, you know, it was quite tiring. The hotel was so so, the beach was a disappointment, it was simply... unsatisfying.

Before i left to Penang, i was hooked to a Mandarine novel and it got me so so so addicted. The name of the novel, in English, was called Addicted. So, i read 1/3 before i departed to Penang, then, i continued to 2/3 of the novel. It was so damn addictive, so so addictive. It was a gay romance, and it was the first time i read book like this, and it was nothing less of a straight romance. The author was so good with the plot; twist, climax, ups and downs; it was simply fascinating. I finished the novel when i got back home, and started reading it the second time.

You know how did i feel after i finished the novel? It got me so depressed. The story was so good, so impossibly loving, i just don't know how to describe it but it is just so not realistic. It wasn't the book i usually read; not the kind of writing style the other authors i read. All the details, the author had never taken it lightly until the very last page. It was the details that made the novel so miraculous. I'd actually written a status on Google+ profile, it said A life with Gu Hai is a life not wasted if i ever met one. I don't know, the following days after i finished the novel i couldn't get myself out of the story because i was so cruel to myself. I actually thought that i will forever be alone. Like... for real. My parents and friends have given me abundant of love and i couldn't give my love to the person i love. It is so heart-aching to think like this.

Then, today, i realize one thing. I have to love myself more. I may be alone for the rest of my life, but i do believe that love will find me eventually. For the mean time, i shall love myself more until that person comes into my life. Remember last year when i got into the same depression, i made myself run. Today, i finished so many runs and later, a half marathon, the just last month, a full marathon. It was very satisfying; the accomplishment, the achievement, and i'm grateful that i made myself run. So, this time, i wanted to learn how to cook. I went to supermarket with my mom today and learnt how to choose the right things for the dish i wanted to prepare- meat, seafood, vegetables, cooking oils etc. Then, i helped out my mom in the kitchen for tonight's dinner. My mom taught me a lot, and i definitely learnt. If i ever live alone, i know how to keep my stomach full; if i ever live with the person i love, i know how to keep my stomach and his stomach full; if i ever live with family, i know how to keep them healthy from diet. I wanted to learn various dishes, like Gu Hai, to cook for myself and the person i love. For myself, for the love not far away, for future.

Today's cooking class is my first class, and tomorrow will be my second class. The day i'm free will be the day my mom cooks because seriously, i wanted to learn how to cook. This is what i want to do now, should i say thank you to my depression? To the novel that had changed me slightly? Books, will eternally be my best friend. It is a good listener and the best story teller that makes you think, gave you useful options and opinions, and never turned his its back on me. Thanks a lot, buddy.

P/S: My mom forbids me to run marathon because i got thinner whenever i prepare for marathon. I'm already skinny and running makes me worst. So, i don't know, i may keep running because running made my life a little meaningful- made me closer to the guys, made me a man, and made me love myself more. For that, i just have to eat more ;)

刀子嘴，豆腐心。

Today, i'm going to do this blog post in Mandarin.

这阵子啊，生活过得挺好的。新年嘛，吃喝玩乐少不了，加上我正在放假，更好咯！今天我与我的旧同事们有聚餐，这一聚，让我想起了不少事情，也让我感到非常感恩幸福。今天我们的聚餐花费总共一千令吉，老实说，对我一个还在念书好没有稳定的收入的人来说，这是个很大的数目，只不过是顿晚餐，这也未免太昂贵了吧？结帐后，我们就将总数除了，一个人付RM145。当我给钱Vicki时，她把另一张五十块钱还回给我，说我还在念书，没关系，下次再算。那时的我真的很不好意思，大家说好出来吃饭怎么能让Vicki 替我多付呢？但她很坚持，我也只好对她道个谢。

我活到二十四岁没说长但遇到“刀子嘴，豆腐心” 的人还真不少。老实说，这种人起初会很难相处，日子久后你会觉得他们非常贴心，不会让你吃不必要的亏。Vicki 就是其中一个例子。生活在一起，能包容就包容吧，她是个很不错的人，虽然有时候真的会让人捉狂。他们的出现，让我的生活不一样，感觉挺好的。跟他们一块儿做工的日子，是我活到现在，最快乐的时光。真的非常开心。可能这样，人也容易长肉，哈哈！

前几天跟老爸聊天时无意中被启发了。以前的我从来没想过要自己做生意。读完后的后几年，就算有了一定的经验，也真的没想要有开诊所做生意的念头。老爸是生意人，他老是说“工字不出头”，我现在才能理解。快毕业了，看到了目前的经济情景，感觉吃常粮是不行的，得冒些险，有危才有机嘛！老爸还说，失败了，没关系，再来过！当年他都不是干冷气那行的，到现在都能做出成绩来，不尽让我想到，当年他究竟是怎样干过来的。现在懂事了，想着想着，我爸做的这一切都真的不容易。若是想要过得更好，就得学学做生意！看来我真的得学学了！

人嘛活着的目的有很多，为钱为人为自己为享受不尽其数，见仁见智。我呢，想要活得好些，舒服些。有钱了就去旅行享受享受；没钱了就继续想办法赚更多。现在的生活条件不断攀升，入不敷出，开源节流没能除根，倒不如想办法赚更多更好！这样才能不断地升级呀！邬世杰，毕业后努力点吧！报答那些曾为你雪中送炭的人!

P/S: 别老是想着别人的不好，这样会让你沮丧更多。乐观点儿，活得自在！

"Work first, or study first?"

It's Chinese New Year again! Spring season of the year is here already! Ah, how time flies.. it's already the 5th day of CNY. My CNY has been great.. visiting friend's house, friends and relatives visiting my house and all.. it was really fun. A lot of photos have been taken and i'll put up a few later for you all to see ;)

Anyway, it is not the main topic of this blog post despite everybody is talking about the festive season. I was sending my friend to a bus stop just now and on the way we were chatting about 'education first or work first?' So, we had a long debate and reasoning between us and there is really no right and wrong, it is mostly about the priority you put on yourself.

For some families, your family is quite sufficient to send you to college and even pay for your high level education, so, you are the lucky one who get to go to college without the need of considering anything about money. Well, it's true. Sometimes it's about the kind of family you born into. Nothing you can do about it. Whilst for other families where their financial status fluctuates, they ain't got much choice. The kids don't get to go to college and have to either work first or do part time college. A lot of my friends were doing part time. You have to arrange your time nicely and of course, it always is not easy to keep track on both at the same time. The funny thing about this topic is, in my country it is not so much of the institution choosing you, you get to choose the institution. There are so many colleges out there, as long as you have the money to further your study, no question at all. It is how it is right now. At some point, when you need the cert to get promoted, well, you do the exams. That is of course for some people and some do actually wanted to get a college certificate, it is more like a milestone thing. Everybody has different desire, it varies.

But again, in an era where a degree/master certificate doesn't earn you much and sometimes even lower than those who didn't even have a diploma qualification, you have to pay more attention on the skills that you're learning in the college to raise your value. To be honest, not many will work what they have studied, instead, many work something that has no relation at all. Then, just in case that happens to you in the future, who knows, you will have to brush up your presentation skill. The way you converse with people, with the right choice of words and good manners, you are way ahead of others. That's what i believe. Everybody can excel in education, you just have to put in some hard works and it's done. Although you are not as smart as them, im gonna tell you, if you can speak better than them, you have great chance getting a job comparably. A lot of the employers don't test whatever you have studied, instead, they test your spontaneity, presentation skills, and the way you sell and carry yourself. If you can't make use of the subject you picked in the college, these are the things you HAVE  to learn during college time. Not party and booze and sex all the time, those things seriously can wait LOL. Reality slaps hard on your face once you get out of the college. Smart is good, intelligent is good, excelled and 4.0 is indeed the best, but one can be so so smart but fail to present in front of the crowd. If i were the employer, i'll rather see more choices. You will be surprised.

It is funny how this topic came around. We were talking about our tuition fee and pop! It came out. Like I have to pay close to 65k study loan once i graduated from college. And quite a number of my friends who don't even have a diploma, simply working at call centre earns them almost 5k-6k a month. Like normal position but i'm not quite sure about the internal regulations. Us? Probably increment every year and our value raise as our experiences accumulate, you can't see it in the short term. Just gotta be patient in the mean time. And my friend told me, "a cert may not bring you much money if you compare like that, but it definitely gives you higher chances to work overseas, to soar higher, a have foreseeable future of your career and many more, which now we can't see because.. we start really low when our job closely links to skill (physical therapy). It takes time. Call centre? Probably for now. How far can you go with that kinda job..." Not sure about the other countries, it's actually kinda true. Waiting tables? You can't even feed yourself in our place, but you probably can have a child at the outside of here. Maybe...?

So many contradictions within the same post.. well, as i said earlier, it varies from person to person. See what your desire is and also your current situation. Anyway, may God bless us, He will have better plan for us, just keep working hard and keep our fingers crossed! And Happy Chinese New Year people!

SOMETHING BIG

This happened one week ago. I participated in a full marathon, a 42km marathon, and i completed the whole course with a friend with the time 6:01:37! My legs were in so much pain but hey, it worth the price! It was so much fun! I can finally strike this off from my bucket list ;)

 I was really down since my last post until i completed this marathon, i feel so much better. And now, it starts to come back. I have tans of work and i'm going to finish them soon. Then comes CNY. I couldn't get any job during CNY. An agent contacted me and so quickly i accepted the job. Then i realized i have an exam that falls on one of the working days. I called to ask if i can take half day leave just for that day throughout the whole project. Well, they rejected me. The company wants a person who can fully commit. They pay really good so my spot was filled very quickly. I was pretty sad cuz i need money now. I went out with two friends just now. When i saw them with pretty stable financial state, i kinda hope to get out of education quickly and get a job. I hate to be so... insecure. Please God, bless me through my education. Let me graduate safely and get a job smoothly. Hope you have got a better plan for me. I'm really tired of it.

And something was wrong with my mouth. I was speaking without thinking. Luckily they are my close friends or i could have offended them already. Or have i? I hope i didn't. However, meeting them doesn't make me feel... i don't know...? In fact, meeting people couldn't make me feel better. Something is wrong with my system again.

What is wrong with me?

Those words took away the little good mood left within me

I'm getting stressed up a lot just now. I was having a casual conversation with my parents and i never knew it will turn out to be so freaking stressful. All they were saying about passing me the torch. The were implying that money is the main concern right now. They are forcing that information day and night into me indirectly. I getting really annoyed already. I took a part time event job at the mall and yes, it did earn me more than usual because the pay is good, and they already telling me how i should spend all those money. Yes, i sometimes spend unnecessarily but what they didn't know was the fact i'm paying back the debt. I have debt at this very time. I don't even get to spend for a phone i longed for like years ago. And you know, they said you should do this, you should do that, before you spend unnecessarily again. I've been trying to ignore but i'm still hearing every single thing they said.

The bills, the petrol, it's all on you. Not now... NOT NOW! DIDN'T I TRY HARD TO DO BOTH AT THE SAME TIME? I have to study you know... full time education... and yes, it's in the final year and i'm ending it very soon but i'm still studying now! You know i hope i can really pay the bills so i don't have to listen to those things anymore. And one more thing she said which stressed me up to the next level: you know you better save whatever you have earned right now because immediately after you graduate, whether you get a job or not, you are on your own. I've done my part... or you won't have extra to spend on yourself.

Guys, you know, that just took away whatever good mood left within me after today's ridiculously tough paper. My parents know me, i'm not the kind of person who sits at home and waiting to be fed. I work, real hard, because i know no one will help me when i'm in deep shit. And i know, if i one that one thing badly, all i can do is earn money myself and get it. Nobody will. And this started many years ago which i totally understand. So, what it is to worry about? That i will not work? Waiting to be fed? Like a pig? I HAVE PLAN AND GOAL! YOU KNOW THAT TOO! You have no idea how i feel right now. I feel so terrible.

I know surviving is hard, really hard especially in this era. I also know a lot of people younger than me started feeding themselves with the money they earn but man, i don't know, maybe i'm just too dependent? I know i'm too old to depend on my parents financially, i'm 24, well yea.. But it's the deal they agreed upon, and now you made me hear all these? I know, i have a car that you gave to me, i will have to maintain it, take care of it and all... I understand that very well... I don't know what to say man... can somebody tell me what is it that i'm feeling?!

You may think i have no reason to whine about it. If you're in my shoe, you will know... I'm so afraid that i can't graduate on time now. I'm so fucking be independent and end all this bullshit. Also, i want to pay my respect to all of you who are a lone survivor in this ridiculous, stress fuck era. My plan to hike mount Kinabalu.. now gone...

I'll strive hard

Haven't been writing in a while, was pretty caught up with everything that is still happening until now. I saw a video on YouTube and i told myself that i have to share it with everybody, it's really beautiful. 

Vow To Protect: LGBT couples share their stories

I don't know how to describe it but it warms my heart from the inside out. Here's more which i think... i don't know how to write again.. just watch it.

Vow To Protect: William and Eddie share their story

Vow to Protect: Billy & Peyton share their story

Vow to Protect: Jeanne and Sheila share their story

A lot is already happening inside my brain and even more now after watching these vids. All i can think about it to graduate safely this year and be self-sufficient. I don't want to depend on my family anymore, i'm too old for that. My education took out a lot out of them; their time, money, attention. It is pay back time already. More importantly, to do what i wish to do. To meet, to date, to have life. Out of school may not be the best life overall, there's pressure and work stress and all, but you know what, being independent means a lot to me now. I need that now. 

All i can think about now is whether i can graduate smoothly... Gosh i havta be more positive man... Things will be better after this semester. I'll strive hard, strive hard.