tomorrow's plan

actually i don't have much thing to update today, simply want to write something.

so cm spent us for today's lunch and she insisted, and for the 2nd time in a week i feel so guilty for letting my colleague spent me another lunch meal. i swear to God whatever happens, my last day i goona spend them for a very good lunch. not luxurious, but I'll make sure every of them will be well feed.

and tonight was so so, just that Bosco hasn't send me back my net-book. I'm not chasing him to return to me even so i was the one who volunteered to lend him my laptop. but since he's not using it why not just return people's property immediately isn't it? i don't know, he replied me this morning that he goona send the laptop to my house tomorrow after work.

and tomorrow I'm going Leisure Mall with sis. actually she just wanted to buy some exercise books to prepare herself for SPM examination. but my intention going there is to buy some clothes for myself. my fashion nerves or maybe my metro-sexual side triggered me again calling me to grab some clothes for myself. i think that will be fine, i already got my pay for this month, so buying something for myself is not a crime overall, hehehe...

and tomorrow, i goona high-tea with sister at Starbuck. i wanted to go Starbuck to get a drink for a century, so tomorrow is the best day. after shopping, there we can find Starbuck outlet, and there we goona spend our high-tea there :D

p/s: God i forgot i need to send my pants for some amendments, and carwash service for my decades unwashed car, ahhh and post office to pay the water bill. DAMN IT TOMORROW GOONA BE A HECTIC DAY!!

Earns

it was a good day.

as usual we were taking lunch together, and a call from Vicki made huge different for today's lunch. upon request of Vicki, cm asked Ms Lee whether she allows us to go for lunch 20 minutes earlier and will be back roughly 1.30pm, obviously we couldn't make it before time, and Ms Lee agreed with it. And so, Andrea followed us to Setapak 'Bu Jian Bu San' taking lunch together.

we had a wonderful lunch, today's lunch Vicki says she will try to claim it from office account. So basically today's lunch is free. and we went to Chatime to buy drinks after lunch which located few shops away from that restaurant. and guess what, Jasmine and Yen spent for my drink.

you know actually i feel a little guilty. they treated me so well, like spending me lunches, drinks, and some other things, i really thought i should at least buy them something, or spend them a dinner sort of things. yes, i am doing it before i leave office, as in leaving for my degree. they treated me so well, and for that i would never forget, it is here, always in my heart.

today i've learnt that we humans always have disagreements on each other. and for that instant we hardly think something sane enough so venoms spit out from mouth hurting each other. we need to be a little understanding on people's thinking or feeling or whatsoever.

i've also learnt that, being an adult is so much to learn. i don't know how to describe my feeling. for something like foods, as long as we can afford it, be an adult like spending them on drinks or snacks or things like that. it wouldn't cost or hurt you anyway, that even makes you look more respectful, and good impression :)

so many things to learn. other than pay, i earned experiences and.. something abstracts!!

Michelle's Wedding Registration Day

today i purposely took one day leave to go for my cousin's wedding registration. what, you don't need to say much cuz' i know i'm very kind and anticipating, kinda! hahaa!!

anyway, today was great, worth a day i took leave from office. so everything run well, at wedding registration office and our breakfast with Jack Fong's parents at Chinese Dim Sum Restaurant, even though my mom wasn't there. except the fact that the environment was kind of tends seriously. DUDE! IT'S YOUR SON AND DAUGHTER'S WED REG DAY! CAN'T YOU GUYS BE A LITTLE HAPPY AND EXCITED OR THINGS LIKE THAT?! for an instant i thought i was the only one who so freaking overreacting throughout the whole process. BUT, i was proud of what i've done, kinda make the atmosphere a little, you know, warm, the way i goona put it :D

and in the afternoon i went to my new house to take a look on it after such a huge transformation. guess what, that's really awesome! i like our kitchen, the design and the tiles, the arrangement and colours, everything, wow, one word, AMAZING.

my room, HAHAHAA!! i really like it. the walls with my favourite colours painted- grey, and kinda stylish windows' frame, and those awesome floor tiles, you know what, everything going as what were in my mind months ago. after so many hard works, results were so obvious. despite all the obstacles, stupid contractor got runaway with our money, problems with workers and things like that, all of them eventually passed, and trust me, good days are coming, we just need a little patience, everything will be just.fine.

good things can't last forever, while bad things can't last eternally either. so i'll put it in a way the God is giving us some hardcore stuffs making us precious so much more of what we've got throughout such BLISSFUL AND TEARFUL processes  :')

and when we're on the way to our new home, i had a little conversation with my mom, and that kinda make me feel so good. after quite some time we never really had a time to talk in a tend-less situation, and today opportunity just threw itself in my face, in fact that was great!

"you know i think Michelle's registration was kinda, not to say messed up, just a little tends throughout the whole process, and for that i'm not going to let it happens in my wedding. you know what, my wedding i want it to be like a MOVIE kind of style. i know you may feel a little absurd about my idea, but spend a little time with me, listen to me first! i want my wedding to be done in a church. i know i'm not a Christian but i want it in that way cuz' that will be freaking romantic, and my soul mate will definitely like my romantic idea! i want the pastor or whatsoever to marry us, tell us the conditions and vows and everything, exchanging the rings, kissing the bride and groom, oh God that is so freaking feeling good. 


and the rings should be handed by our friends, that should always be done in that way. so today Michelle's one, this procedure actually made a little scar. and then when my soul mate and me walk down the isle, if it is possible or no, i want a pair of flower kids to spread rose petals for us, that's so sweet! oh and never forget about the music, i hope my bunch of friends would sing us a blessing song by standing up one by one from the bench where they settled down, that would be even great. but that is optional.


and then, just outside the church, i want it to be a garden which big enough to fill my guests. i wanted a garden wedding, so no surprise it would be done in such venue. i want to prepare a buffet, a nice one which all my guests goona fill their stomach till the maximum. and the a musical band who play the music for us to DANCE! mentioned about dance, i want a small stage which is enough to fill few couples to dance on it. just maybe 10cm plus elevated from the ground would do! and they're all invited to dance on it! ahh so nice isn't it! 


oh yeah i nearly forgot about my best men. all my best men who goona stand by my side have to get them selves a set of white suit, and tie HAVE to be in pink, and white leather shoes too. all in white, i always wanted my wedding to get done in white theme, looks steadier and cleaner for me :D oh oh and my guests, no T-shirt allowed! at least with a blazer on it! the drinks! i almost forgot about drinks! i champagnes for the drinks, with champagne glass, so we are able to propose a toast all the time! just for safety precaution, no kids allowed may be good for everyone in case the broke anything or what. ahhh maybe i am too linear with this, screw that kids' stuff, it wouldn't matter lots anyway.


i might have some more to add on, just can't help dreaming about it. sometime it is a good thing to fantasizing a little thing. and i want both registration and wedding buffet straight one time, to be specific, in a day, under all my guests and parents witness."


"you have to get a good girl friend at the very first place. and all your dream wedding stuffs goona cost you a fortune."


"well, one in a life time i don't mind, really, although i know sometime marriage could be fragile. at least i want a marriage, in my life, it happened to be the most beautiful thing ever, without any regrets."


"so, no choice but to study hard then."


"for the sake of my future wedding!"

simply a confusion

how suppose i start it.. yesterday night i was wondering that am i really.. um... bi? or i am just confuse on what to be? i don't know why am i getting myself into this kind of shit. seriously i don't need a label and for this i have no idea why am i measuring so hard on my own.

that's a truth i am comfortable with watching both kind of.. you know. but i don't know why my behaviour is a little drifted since.. i don't know, it just changed. today i met Priya and we took breakfast together, and she came out with a very good opinion:

'being comfortable by watching both kind of 'movie' doesn't mean that you fall for both. watching and doing is 2 totally different thing, be sure that you differentiate it well.'

that's actually true. and she was the only one so far i came out with my sexuality problem. is that i really got confused which actually i'm not bi, just some sort of influences made such a mental swing in my brain? God that drives me nuts.

the funniest thing ever happened in my life. actually i couldn't even remember when was the moment in fell into such dilemma which i'm SURE i don't deserve it. you know what, for now i really thought that i'm.. urm.. normal. i want to look for a girl who enable me to spend the rest of my life with, forms a family and enjoy the moment being together, share our time, have kids, bla bla bla... that was.. so fascinating lol. i'm pretty sure of it this time. however i'm just goona let the faith leads me, i'm kinda tired with all this. :)

quite funny, my blog post for this month is full with this kind of topic, nothing else. from now on, no more such discussion, case closed. i am very neutral and flexible with gay friends and everything, watching their movies and things like that, but for myself, no maybe. i'm just confused after watching so many gay themed movies, and they're very sweet in almost every movie, that's precious.

i am really stupid, haha! that's what i can say about myself.

by the way, Christian and Oliver indeed a good movie. trust me, it is my 1st German soap opera, and that's goona be the last. still watching it, too many episodes even though the uploaders already summarized the movies into small parts. great, no matter what i'm still going to finish this movies.

p/s: it's still coming out this soap opera. it seems like a never end story.

mind-triggering unluckiness

it was a bad day. Early in the morning when i am about to go to work, i was walking to my car which i parked near the drain last night, and guess what, the window at the back seat was found broken by some idiots!

i have no idea who did it, but for God's sake! they steal only the coins which don't even more than 5 bucks, and they broke my window! i have to spend 68 bucks to fix it up! God i don't know what's going on with them, among all the cars those idiotic persons chose mine, one word, unlucky.

it's fine, it doesn't matter any more since the window already fixed. thanks my neighbour for picking me to LRT station and drove my car to the workshop to get the window fixed. thanks so much!

today was Jasmine's birthday, and all of us greeted her, and she seems very happy today. that's of course she is happy cuz' her boyfriend sent a bouquet of roses to her by despatch! we counted it, 19 in total, together with chocolates and a dog-like cat doll, haha!

and other than that, Poh Chu bought back a cake to celebrate her birthday in the office, and i'm so happy for her sincerely, have a blast dear colleague!

finally, today i realized something. last time i told my parents, my sister saying that my first property after i graduated and works for a year, it would be a car. but after today's incident, i don't think so, i think i already changed my mind. what uncle Jimmy told me was true:

'you buy a car. there's not only loan, don't forget there's a tendency your car might be stolen or like today, the car's mirror is broken by somebody and things like that. you buy a branded car and you must have to be prepared to bear a certain loss.'

i couldn't disagree more. just look at what happened today and i finally get it, car wasn't a smart choice. maybe it stands for your status in the society, but that can wait, i rather invest a new house for the future me. a condo, that's my goal, and now it would be my first property purchase after graduated, and working for few years.

i always hope to have a little space only for myself, that would be extremely good except the fact that i have to clean my own house consistently. i can throw a party any time, i can call my friends up any time, my friend can hangover at my place once in a while, and for myself, there will be a little silence moment when i needed it. that would be really nice, and for it, i willing to work hard.

the fact that i want to look for the right person in my life, and go to travel around the world with him/her, would be hard to achieve when i have a property to look after. but we humans actually worry of too many things, we don't even give ourself a little time to relax, we don't live here eternally, one day when the time comes, we need to leave anyhow. so don't tend up yourself, we are humans and we need rest a little moment to enjoy our life.

so for me, i don't want to leave my life any regrets. for whatever things i really hoped for i willing to work hard for it, never for once i doubt. i can do it, to realize everything, not for money, solely for my happiness and my soul mate's happiness, i will do it no matter how hard it is.

Destiny and Faith, for you both and I, let's work hard to reach for each other. <3

a new hobby

we were discussing about a book during lunch time "The Secret". i don't know whether you've heard of it previously but i did, which a friend of mine introduced me to read last time. but you know, i didn't read it cuz' it's not so my kind of book, i love romance actually. but never mind, i think i'm going to buy one to read since Andrea said it was quite good, and perhaps it may change you point of view and the way you carry yourself and working you way positively.

let me buy the book first, and then i'll tell what is the meaning of the booking trying to deliver :D maybe Yen is going to book shop in this couple of days, so i should call her to look one for me. ah, suppose i mention that we searched the books online in the office just before we leave. and guess what happen, what a douche bag! we found a e-book of "The Secret" and we realized that it was the wrong book after we printed it out, 3 copies. yeah don't be startled, 3 copies with roughly 70 pages a copy?

shit, i keep blabbering about this and i forgot the main thing i wanna to write just 5 minutes ago. DAMN IT! WAIT, LET ME RECALL!

thank God, it comes back to me :D i wrote another poem again, but i still haven't come out with any title for this. when i read it for couple of times i realized that that poem isn't really a poem, cuz' it's like not smooth, the intonation and everything, just weird. and you know what, i need to read a lot of novels, English books or magazines or comics or whatsoever to improve my English. and improve my public speaking too, still feels that my speaking isn't good enough, a lot more to improve.

but these days i stop reading, which kinda devastated me cuz' part of me calling me to read while the other part of me sending 'bored' kind of nerve impulses. if i don't read, i won't get new words for my poem, and there goes my English stops growing. and now i realize that to create something good, inspiration is VITAL! or else it's FATAL!

for the first time i write a poem "Me", i don't know why it appeared to be so great, even Priya said it was good after she reading it for the first time, too. and that kinda gave me a lot of forward thrust to write more nicer poems and now i am writing, but it's just not as good as my first one. "Me" was actually written while i'm in deep depression, and that poem is the story of mine which hid from friends, family, society for years. and that actually expressed the whole thing i wanted to tell them long ago, like almost all! in a poem! when you able to bring you story into a form of poem in a complete one, congratulation, you just created one of the best. and that happened in my very first one.

that actually feel very good i kid you not. and i will still write more, slowly improve, cuz' i just discovered a new hobby- writing. which is good, another way to tell your story, nope, my story to be specific :D

inspiration, reality incident, both of this indeed important to create good works.

that's it for today.

my new goal

i just entered an entry on my personal diary and now i can't believe i'm doing the same thing on blogger, in English version.

anyway, today in the office i did some mistakes which Vicki called me to tidy the mess up, and there are actually quite a lot to do, and tomorrow i guess i'm going to spend another day at her place then. and Ms Low just came back from overseas, and she brought back some biscuits from Taiwan as she always did whenever she went abroad. so i ate LA cookies before, Belgium chocolates, Taiwan biscuits, Macau cookies as well, and maybe some other foods which i couldn't remember all.

and finally, Bosco came over to my place to borrow the mini laptop from me. of course, you know parents, they always worry about it because it indeed something expensive, and once it is lost means lost, you couldn't do anything. but seriously, right before i thought he had given me a hand when i really need it and i should pay that debt now, instead the idea of borrowing him my laptop strikes my brain just to help him out, simple as that.

of course i do have a little trustworthy on him or else i won't be borrowing him my laptop. after so many years of knowing him, and the way the sort things out, i think i should sometime free myself from all sorts of weariness and worries. i should own a little trusty on my friend. and he really needs help, and i know, i should help him out or he'll be in limbo, kinda.

i'm not saying i'm a very very nice person to lend such a thing to people, i just think i should help people, and he isn't somebody crosses my life and leaves me behind, he is my friend which we used to know each other almost up to 8 years maybe? so for that at least he worth me a little trustworthy. i hope you have taken a very good care on my precious little property, you know, i don't use to borrow people my things that easily unless they deserve it in my own opinion.

and today, as usual during the night which i have only less than 3 hours to watch 'Christian and Oliver', some weird thing happened. as i was watching i fantasized the future me dating a lady, more like my girlfriend and then works our life out. in that moment that sense of homosexual becomes a little, indistinct? insignificant? i don't know! see, i am totally a bi now, fantasize both genders and now i am scratching my head. oh and you know, i visited to one of the group on facebook discussing all about bisexual confusions and other things, it's so difficult and complicated. i don't know what would happen if i come out with that to my parents. i really don't know how are they going to cope with my sexuality. so for now i won't be telling them about this, until one day i really dated a guy, and for that and so on i don't want to hide from them but to confront. everyone deserves their own life without judgment.

but however, for the mean time, i just want to sort my things out. if it is possible i want to stay single until i finish my degree. i want to concentrate on my study cuz' i have to make sure that i'll be able to graduate to realize my dream! yeah i can't afford to fail or my life would have end miserably.

i want to buy a high cost condominium with my own design, i want to work overseas to accumulate experiences, i want to date a white guy or lady, i want to get married with him or her and a perfect church-garden wedding, i want to have my own family, 2 kids one boy and one girl no matter through pregnancy or adoption, and that'll be the perfect life i hoping for all these time. don't laugh, i did, i really hope to achieve all these things in my life, like a stage that couldn't afford to miss, these days. :D

well, you know, to realize, not visualize, i have to work hard now, real hard one. maybe somebody feels it is boring, but for a better future, i have no choice. my parents can't afford to send me study abroad, so i have to do it myself. instead of studying, i'll be working there as a professional one. i missed out one thing, demanding one.

that are my new goals in life, and so i know what should i do start from the day i start studying!

for all that, i willing to sacrifice everything, sit back and watch!

Verbotene Liebe

so as what i've wrote as the title, that's the name of the show.

i don't know, their love story was amazingly inspiring.. God i love it a lot :D

here's a picture of both of them- Christian Mann & Oliver Sabel

so sweet isn't they? xD

but the show at some point would turn out really tragic, both of them will split and luckily they got back together after grim reaper paid a visit, and they got married for the second time.

i just get to know that Bosco's possessions got robbed. he put his belongings in the car's bonnet and apparently someone broke the car's mirror and open the bonnet to retrieve their things... i hope he would be fine and get over it safely..

Pegs & the gangs

so today my plan with them was nice, extremely nice.

i saw Pegs's boyfriend, and he was really nice to us. and today we met each other while singing in Karaoke, and i was really enjoying that moment! i don't know about them, and i truly like the time we were together. OMG I MISSED THEM SO MUCH!

so today's plan was successful, and only one picture I'm now uploading..

i know don't question, i looked kinda weird in the picture, ANGLE PROBLEM!

and actually now i am watching a soap opera called 'Christian and Oliver'. this is a Spanish show, wait, i'm not so sure if it is a Spanish or German show. nah, never mind, the most important thing is the story in that show was so damn it romantic. it's mainly about everything, homosexual, heterosexual, only bisexual i haven't seen any of those yet. and the homosexual part was the part excited me so damn of much!

that's actually very sweet of them. from the beginning a straight guy was confused on his sexuality, he couldn't face himself, his brother, his girlfriend. and now apparently he already broke up with his girlfriend and started a relationship with that guy- Oliver. Christian used to call him 'Ollie' as well. and actually, that was quite envious. i always thought that gay couples' relationship are special and precious because not many of us could open to such a thing, and i think i don't really mind a lot. as long as he looks good, and nice to me, not an alcoholic, that would be great sincere speaking.

actually we human live a life we love and why are we used to think we have to follow rule that guy should belongs to a girl? it's simply falling in love with a human, not race, religion, black, white or animal! simple love him without any boundaries. for bi of course is both.

i don't know, it is my point of view. and i'm really open to that. i don't know what my parents or relatives would think about that, i just simply live my life. maybe the society won't accept this fact, but one day true love will take their move to show the world the true meaning of  'falling in love'.

oh yeah, here's a poem i wrote days ago:

Determination

Once upon a time, it was a dream

Unfortunately life, it strikes, so brutal!

Dream has gone, leaving a startled kid

Like scars never vanish after a cut

Thousand of storms attacking

Teachers showing their protests

Parents pointing out disagreements

Relatives chuckling for his stupidities

'It is my life!', he said

Approvals are not needed

Bad sayings are not necessary

Stand aside, watch with your opened eyes:

Whatsoever you've said isn't important any more

It wouldn't be obstacles anyway

Life is too short to mind everything

By time you owned determination, problems're actually nothing

Siwon's divorce

wow! Ryu Si Won's divorce!

for a long time i didn't follow his news, just today out of a sudden, and I'm kinda free after Vicki came to office and take over her place to do her works, I'm a little free.

and when i type ''Ryu Si won...'' and i don't even finish my sentence, a list of news came down of the bar, the first one was his divorce case. a fact that couldn't be denied about his marriage is it was a shotgun marriage prior to the arrival of his baby. just after 2 years, no, don't even exceed 2 years they both filed up their divorce documents.

i don't know, once upon a time I'm his real big fan. until today i still kept a lot of his songs and pictures in my laptop. and the news was like a brainstorm to me, just.. wow! my idol divorced, and he doesn't really want to talk about it in front of the public, seriously who would? it's his personal matter, we the outsiders should know where to stand.

anyway, all the best! you're my idol and keep going for your daughter!

strive hard

i was reading through Mario Maurer's biography, and watched his tv interview on Youtube. he became a model at first, then actor, since he was 14 year-old. what say you? after so many years of hard work until today 2012, he gets a little famous, just in part of the area around the world.

but you know what, he taught me a thing.

'You have to own an extremely powerful determination, strive hard for our dream and future to eventually get what you wishing for.'

for us we have no choice but to strive hard for life.

p/s: can't believe his parents involved in petroleum business. he's one of the silver spoons.

5th poem: Smile

these days have nothing much to do, everything is normal. oh and only one thing to declare, my new house's renovation goona done soon in about a month plus, so almost time for us to move in. so desperate for my degree course, what will happen for the first day?

i wrote this poem in my phone while i'm on my way to railway station. couldn't believe i seem so 'poetic', writing poem slowly becomes one of my hobby.

just take a look for my 5th poem:

Smile

As if the sparkling shines ever neater 

Stunning lunar would seems brighter 

Startled loves rigidly wander in horror

Wishing warmth n' comforts healing with honour. 

i surf through a lot of homosexual, bisexual, pansexual and metrosexual websites and read their articles, and of course clicking my mouse on every displayed photos. actually, i kind of envy their bravery on love. they are just so brave on doing a protest, showing those homophobics how reckless and thoughtless they were all the time.

myself admitted that firstly i am metrosexual, and now slowly i know that myself is a bisexual. i never involve in any relationship before, so maybe you guys would say something like "you don't even love someone. how you know you like both?''

i don't know, my heart told me, and every of my acts showed that i am. reading their articles, photos, my feeling as well, what say you?

i don't know. i'm open to both sex. as long as true love found me, i would follow its leads.

p/s: understand that true love has no boundaries.
p/s: the importance of accepting yourself, and love yourself.

the 4th of mine

the previous poem was the 3rd as i could remember, but i kinda forgot where's the 2nd poem, just give me some time to recall.

so this, the 4th of mine, i simply write for fun. kinda weird, i need to read more to write better.

Works

Sunlight penetrates layers of cloud

Another day is growing, greatly indulged  

Unveiling the closing curtain of window

Noting, another breaking dawn rises

Birds humming forming a rhythmic melody

Scent of happiness found molded with rhapsody

Surge of warmth cascading into my heart

The world again backing to his works

Expectedly such blissful noon approaches

Unexpectedly he’s sitting doing nothing

Everybody moving on to the lunch table

He gave a weak smile, moving as well

He thought he could have done something

Evening was then chasing after him

The crowd leaving their places wearily

Leaving him uselessly passing another day

meeting up

i will list this into one of my best night. thanks for showing up today, i totally enjoy myself. glad that you are my friend.

we best friends live in eternity

today the damn it LRT broke down again. the railway station again accumulated uncountable number of people, and this kinda pissed me off. for 2 times in a month the LRT broke down, God do they even know it creates tans of problems to passengers?

so i reached home 2 hours later than normal.

yesterday night i called Priya, and we had a very nice talk. at that time we spent 10 minutes on skype chatting with each other, i found we don't have much to talk and that freaked me out, i really don't want that to happen. and yesterday out of an impulse i called her. i don't know, sometime she used to pop out in my mind.

she's a friend of mine. a best friend of mine. i feel thousand times comfortable talking with her, she made me feel good, and she made me feel confident. she is too made me think that i'm not creature so call weird, i don't know, i lost my words, she's a friend who i cannot afford to lost.

and before she hung up, she added on another sentence which warmed my heart thoroughly.

"i'm glad you'd called.''

Priya, thanks for coming into my life. our journey in A-levels, for a lifetime i would never forget.

we best friends live in eternity.

p/s: I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

Me

my 2nd poem I wrote wholeheartedly during working, upon finishing my last word, I gave out a weak smile. enjoy.

Me

Sun dancing dizzily in sky, the afternoon seems hot but beautiful

One of the many, a mother’s womb found broken

A small hand emerged from thin layer of amnion membrane

Exposing the hand of angel to the world full of sins

Later finding himself lying in the hand of a man in white

He is naked, afraid of waking, stays in silence

An external force wakes him, startling

Is then noticed a long cord still attached at his little button on belly

He is raised in the wing of angels

Certainty growing in happiness

Triumph and joyous found him anywhere

Element of confidence is part of him

Never for once standing in bewilderment

Never for once staring in confusion

Never for once thinking of shitty riddles

Never for once answering in doubt

Hours, days, weeks, months and years

The little boy with a semi lunar smile for 24 hours

With the wash and cleanse of time

He is Godly matured and attractive

It’s abnormal, asking, wondering

For the love of God, what creature he is?

He’s standing at the junction of choices

What is right for himself? His parents? His future?

Suffering from dilemmas that he never face

Depressions he undergone indeed horrifying

For a certain extend he hopes to vanish

Vanish as a sinner from the land of violation

Would his friends accept his abnormality?

Would his parents embrace his imperfection?

Would the society sooner accept this modern fact?

Or he would end up dies suffocating?

Questions had bombarded his mind for years

Guilt joins in and worsens the situation

They made such a splendid vain of poisons

Terrific for formulating mentally collapsing venoms

For no time he could any more endures it

He should stand up for himself; for his good

He wishes he can ever be braver to tell his heart

But found himself hiding at the corner covering his face

Barely heard his sobs, but his aura apparently roaring

The gray area- judgments, prejudices and discriminations

These external factors never thought could be such suicidal

Maybe cutting his arteries isn’t a bad idea

He loves beautiful things

Certainly stanza 8 is one of the prettiest

Anything he chose eventually

He just hopes they’ll love him eternally.

ordinary day

didn't watch any movie today, but chatted a lot with my dad, mom and sis. actually i don't want to share 'the love of Siam' to my sister since it's a homosexual movie but i still felt to share it with her, it's indeed a very good movie. all the good things i've gone through i always thought of sharing with her, that's of course without doubting.

and she told me a lot about a Japanese anime- 'One Piece'. should i start watching it? feel kind of lazy to get it start because it's now up to 500+ episodes! and i don't think the story will end in any time actually.

yeah i didn't mention about an incident happened in office. cm did not come to work today due to some emergency, and so yen and Jasmine set a 'banana prank' at her place. that was so hilarious, and i'm so looking forward the thing goona happens tomorrow when cm sees that haha!

last but not least, i cut my hair, and i kind of like it cuz' it's a little stylish and it looks good and fresh to me too. so, here's 2 photos. one with another is without spec.

learning how to smile handsomely... :)

thing that tighten my heart

Suddenly feels like writing this, a story of mine.

I was once very close to this guy. He's a very nice guy indeed and a very good friend too.

We always go play, talk, and laugh together. Seriously, I miss that moment. But one day, he seldom talk to us, mix us and sometimes I felt like he doesn't even wanna talk to me. What happened? I have no idea. I always thought I have a bunch of nice classmates but I think I'm too naive to think about that. I don't even know what I did till some of them jealous hate me so much. I'm actually very sincere to treat you as friend. Is it because I'm too straight-forward or what? I never say bad things about you or anyone else seriously. I'm actually quite miss the way you touch my head. Only you did that to me. I miss you my friend. Please don't put a barrier between you and us. We never want you to choose a side but you did it yourself. We respect your decision and we never mad at you. I hope you will know that we very miss you like A LOT!

I miss you my friend. very much.

Really hope you will see this.

This is written sincerely

from my heart.

i'm starting my post with a short post made by one girl, who once was my college friend until the day we stop talking. it always tighten my heart whenever i read this post, i don't know what should i say. yes indeed i chose a side. instead of them i chose ka seng, which last time i used to think i was correct, but see what happen now, i doubting myself. but for one thing that never change, to Gordon it's hard for me to get rid of his past, the things he had done. for a certain extend i trusted ka seng, that was for sure.

but never mind. things had happened and never turn back, even though one day they said it's fine but there is always a scar left one the skin on every cut, i understand that. time heals wound, let time wash away our pain, my grief.

so today i watched another Thai movie again- ''Frienship''. 

i know... Mario again haha! i think that 3 movies
i had watched were his best for the mean time.

this film was talking about a love story, again, when they're studying. the only difference between ''the little crazy thing called love'' and ''friendship'' was one was grew up happily while the other grew up in grief. ahhh i don't know what i'm trying to say, go and watch yourself you'll find something.

for a thing which never change was the ending, it's so heart breaking when his girl dies. feel so bad when i thought of myself, i don't own such a love story on my own. really, i want to try falling in love, i want to know how is the feeling which never exist in my life until 20 year-old. 

the thirst, i'm getting thirstier...

The Love of Siam

in the afternoon i was working in the office. i took some time to google about the movie i mentioned in my last post, and accidentally, i found another movie which drew my attention- 'The Love of Siam'.

this is kinda same with 'The Brokeback Mountain'. the only obviously different thing was the setting. one is set in a 60's and another is set in 21st century, happens in school.

this movie, i don't know how to describe, and i'm kind of tired so i guess i'm not going to make a long post either. just one thing, this movie touched my heart so much, as in the feeling to deal with all the complications. at the end of the movie i literally tearing, i can feel my tear running in my eyes, very inspiring.

i remember there's one sentence spoken by Tong, one of the cast in the movie:

'everyone was upset with me because i don't know what i am.'

he is referring to himself, the attraction towards him, he dated girls, but he has a feeling towards his besst friend, Mew, too. so, there appeared to be so many hard things to deal with. the way friends looking at you, the way parents looking at you, the way girls looking at you, everything seems so hard and uncomfortable.

actually i kind of understand that, i have the same problem as him too. i'm not influence by the movie, but since i was young i slowly discover that other than girls, i have a special attraction toward guys too. if you would remember i mentioned once in my post last few months ago. i may make all of you uncomfortable, i understand that, not many people can actually accept this, this is hard for them, and so do i.

i don't know what i want. this the the absolute reason i'm staying alone, kept myself away from the my first crush in college. the reason is simple, i couldn't ruin people's life without my own assurance towards myself. i don't even understand myself, on my needs, how could i even want people to understand me?

i have a hard time to deal with all the mess here. my future looks so blur, as in my partner, who would i eventually pick? who would i eventually choose to live and spend the rest of my life with? i know if i really spending my life with a guy it brings no outcome, no offspring, nothing.

i don't know. i couldn't take the way people looking at me, i couldn't accept the society will boycott me at last, i don't know, i really don't know what to do. and my parents, i don't want to upset them. my fear towards loneliness, i scared everyone i used to know starts avoiding me, i don't want that to be happened.

what should i do if i really did? how? i'm very scare...

thirst for first love

very boring, super duper boring today.

literally did nothing today, it's a very relaxing Sunday indeed.

early in the morning around 8.30, somebody knocked my door very hard trying to get me out of bed, saying that we have to bring grand ma out for breakfast. so, very unwillingly to get myself washed and dresses up. it's Sunday morning what do you expect.

anyway, after breakfast, we went to our new house to have a look. and the result was so delighting! 2nd floor was almost done, left only painting on the walls, and everything were good, the floor, the window, the plaster ceiling, the design, the toilet, everything! i love it, and I'm now so desperate to move in LOL!

and it left only the living room still undone, by next week the floor will be done, and the kitchen as well, so maybe at the coming next 2 weeks i might want to pay a visit there again to see how our house looks like, after a huge investment on it, they expected a very great outcome, neither do i. the floor was actually not in the renovation plan, but after a long consideration dad decided to remove the old and replace the floor tiles with a new set instead. and guess what, it's really out of budget, and all these things were paid by using credit cards, and i think it'll really take time to pay the debt. I'm kinda worry actually.

anyway those negative things just put it aside, i have a much more important thing to figure out. my walls! the paint! the colour!! actually i planned to paint only 2 walls in my room, the remaining 2 i guess i will use wallpaper instead, i think it'll be nice. of course I'm going to choose those cool one, i don't care how much it may cause, i want my room to look cool!

and study desk. i will go for white colour one, and if possible, i want to buy a shelf to put books and cds and comics. you know, I've got a lot. other than that, my accessories, my Cambridge A levels books, other things as well, God how am i suppose to deal with all this thing...

by the way, last 2 days i watched 2 movie of romance, that were GREAT!

the first one was "我愿意". you know what, i love the setting, very comfortable. and the plot, the movie was kind of smooth, very well organise. and actors and actress were both handsome and pretty, made it even more beautiful.

and the second one was "初恋那件小事". actually this is a Thailand movie, and for me this is so much nicer and better than "那些年". I'm serious. actually i don't really think "那些年" is very nice which all my friends thought it was, that was just ordinary, really.

this Thai movie describe a girl liking a senior studying in the same school. and during that time she was form 1, and the senior was a year older than her. she likes him, but she was ugly while the senior she likes was very handsome. he always get tan of presents during valentine. he can be said 'the model' in their school, all the girls literally fight to take photo with him. and he is indeed a very nice guy, he once helped her from being bullied by those school bullier, and he and the bullier ended up with discipline punishment.

she tried many ways to get his attention like giving him a box of chocolate which eventually melted  under the hot sun. and she tried very hard to turn herself become beautiful, study very hard to get first place in order to get his attention, joined dance club, acting club trying to present herself in front of him, but the saddest occasion was she thought he never notice her affection towards him, ended up with the senior's best friend chasing her, which startled her a little.

everything got messed up. she finally clarify to the senior's best friend saying that her heart already lived a person who she loved for 3 years. and he is then confessed to the senior requesting that he never chase her although he failed due to his overwhelming egoism, and he say yes to him. this pissed me off, and maybe this what they call 'the bond between bro', maybe.

and the girl still doesn't know yet. but actually the senior tried to hint her that he likes her too, for few times but always got ruined by his best friend. so, until the the convocation day, the last day he still here she confessed to him that how long and how much she loves him. she felt relief she had finally said these words to him which hid so deep in her heart for 3 years. but she found out that he already started a relationship with the other girl one week ago. this broke her heart, and that was the toughest moment for her, and so do him.

let me explain why he hurts too. movie did make it clear before the end. he likes her since a long time ago as she used to like him, but he was too shy to admit and confess so he chose to hide it from her, from the crowd. all the things she had done he thoroughly knew, and she always drew his attention to her. he likes photographing, he joined the photographing club last time to learn photographing. he caught some photos of her in silence, and made all the photos an album, recording every moment every sweet incident every stage she went through. he would reread the album helping him to fantasize the time he with her, stoning, smiling.

he likes her very much, but do not know how to do. shy to admit, scare to confess, all these matters made him missed a lot of chances until his best friend go after him, making him so heart broken. until the day she confessed to him, he felt so sorry but still he didn't say it to her, letting her collapsed and leave. the day after she confessed, he had to move to Bangkok for his football matter, and he placed the album in front of her house before he leaves.

9 years later, the met again in an interview program on TV. and he finally confessed to her:

'I am waiting the girl who went to USA to come back, reason I'm staying single.'

his sentence made her broke into tears. and the movie ends here.

shit, the movie could have done even better, the ending was a little disappointing. at least show us that they're eventually hugging or holding hands or things like that. damn it, such a beautiful story! the first love in secondary school which is always the most beautiful moment in our life, but sadly i do not have one.

after watching this, there was actually an impulse i wanted to fall in love. how nice if i ever braver, maybe now i am a happy man with no regrets.