SOMETHING BIG

This happened one week ago. I participated in a full marathon, a 42km marathon, and i completed the whole course with a friend with the time 6:01:37! My legs were in so much pain but hey, it worth the price! It was so much fun! I can finally strike this off from my bucket list ;)

 I was really down since my last post until i completed this marathon, i feel so much better. And now, it starts to come back. I have tans of work and i'm going to finish them soon. Then comes CNY. I couldn't get any job during CNY. An agent contacted me and so quickly i accepted the job. Then i realized i have an exam that falls on one of the working days. I called to ask if i can take half day leave just for that day throughout the whole project. Well, they rejected me. The company wants a person who can fully commit. They pay really good so my spot was filled very quickly. I was pretty sad cuz i need money now. I went out with two friends just now. When i saw them with pretty stable financial state, i kinda hope to get out of education quickly and get a job. I hate to be so... insecure. Please God, bless me through my education. Let me graduate safely and get a job smoothly. Hope you have got a better plan for me. I'm really tired of it.

And something was wrong with my mouth. I was speaking without thinking. Luckily they are my close friends or i could have offended them already. Or have i? I hope i didn't. However, meeting them doesn't make me feel... i don't know...? In fact, meeting people couldn't make me feel better. Something is wrong with my system again.

What is wrong with me?

Those words took away the little good mood left within me

I'm getting stressed up a lot just now. I was having a casual conversation with my parents and i never knew it will turn out to be so freaking stressful. All they were saying about passing me the torch. The were implying that money is the main concern right now. They are forcing that information day and night into me indirectly. I getting really annoyed already. I took a part time event job at the mall and yes, it did earn me more than usual because the pay is good, and they already telling me how i should spend all those money. Yes, i sometimes spend unnecessarily but what they didn't know was the fact i'm paying back the debt. I have debt at this very time. I don't even get to spend for a phone i longed for like years ago. And you know, they said you should do this, you should do that, before you spend unnecessarily again. I've been trying to ignore but i'm still hearing every single thing they said.

The bills, the petrol, it's all on you. Not now... NOT NOW! DIDN'T I TRY HARD TO DO BOTH AT THE SAME TIME? I have to study you know... full time education... and yes, it's in the final year and i'm ending it very soon but i'm still studying now! You know i hope i can really pay the bills so i don't have to listen to those things anymore. And one more thing she said which stressed me up to the next level: you know you better save whatever you have earned right now because immediately after you graduate, whether you get a job or not, you are on your own. I've done my part... or you won't have extra to spend on yourself.

Guys, you know, that just took away whatever good mood left within me after today's ridiculously tough paper. My parents know me, i'm not the kind of person who sits at home and waiting to be fed. I work, real hard, because i know no one will help me when i'm in deep shit. And i know, if i one that one thing badly, all i can do is earn money myself and get it. Nobody will. And this started many years ago which i totally understand. So, what it is to worry about? That i will not work? Waiting to be fed? Like a pig? I HAVE PLAN AND GOAL! YOU KNOW THAT TOO! You have no idea how i feel right now. I feel so terrible.

I know surviving is hard, really hard especially in this era. I also know a lot of people younger than me started feeding themselves with the money they earn but man, i don't know, maybe i'm just too dependent? I know i'm too old to depend on my parents financially, i'm 24, well yea.. But it's the deal they agreed upon, and now you made me hear all these? I know, i have a car that you gave to me, i will have to maintain it, take care of it and all... I understand that very well... I don't know what to say man... can somebody tell me what is it that i'm feeling?!

You may think i have no reason to whine about it. If you're in my shoe, you will know... I'm so afraid that i can't graduate on time now. I'm so fucking be independent and end all this bullshit. Also, i want to pay my respect to all of you who are a lone survivor in this ridiculous, stress fuck era. My plan to hike mount Kinabalu.. now gone...

I'll strive hard

Haven't been writing in a while, was pretty caught up with everything that is still happening until now. I saw a video on YouTube and i told myself that i have to share it with everybody, it's really beautiful. 

Vow To Protect: LGBT couples share their stories

I don't know how to describe it but it warms my heart from the inside out. Here's more which i think... i don't know how to write again.. just watch it.

Vow To Protect: William and Eddie share their story

Vow to Protect: Billy & Peyton share their story

Vow to Protect: Jeanne and Sheila share their story

A lot is already happening inside my brain and even more now after watching these vids. All i can think about it to graduate safely this year and be self-sufficient. I don't want to depend on my family anymore, i'm too old for that. My education took out a lot out of them; their time, money, attention. It is pay back time already. More importantly, to do what i wish to do. To meet, to date, to have life. Out of school may not be the best life overall, there's pressure and work stress and all, but you know what, being independent means a lot to me now. I need that now. 

All i can think about now is whether i can graduate smoothly... Gosh i havta be more positive man... Things will be better after this semester. I'll strive hard, strive hard.