Spared love, my 2013.

Tomorrow i'll be taking my exam and i just get the timetable, i was the second to go in. Hmm.. i will do my best. And that's the best i could do. And sometimes i find it really funny. Ms Chan, my PT lecturer, is one of the most respectable persons in my life. We were having class and as usual, she taught and nagged us like well, a mom. She said something that really pulled my attention:

"You know now the education standard is pretty low. The students should be taught in such a way that they will be globally accepted." She gave a quick glance before clearing her throat. "If you want to be globally accepted, you have to be strict to yourself."

In a conversation less than a minute she spoke so much into us if you can see it. Okay, at least me. She wanted us to be globally accepted and the only way to achieve that, hard works. No shortcuts. Discipline. Strict to every little details disregard to its importance. See?  Globally accepted. This is very important to me. That determine my future. I can't write everything down of why i'm saying so but urhm... This can change my life. Just, important. And sometimes she can be really hard and hurtful in a way but at the end of the day, she wanted us to be successful.

"Getting good grades is one thing, but my students graduated as a credentialed degree holder is much important to me."

I think i'd mentioned something of the same thing previously i can't help it. I just couldn't thank her enough. I've sought for comfort everywhere yesterday because i don't feel good i'm not confident about the exam but this morning, when we were having class together she somehow made me feel confident again. I don't know how to pen it down but this is how she made me feel. For a lecturer, she meant world to me.

Appreciate that. Thank you very much.

I went youtube earlier and watched few videos. One of them was about boxing day. They were very happy all together as a family and the reactions on their faces were indescribable. I will try my best to make that scene come real in my coming future, Hopefully.

Thank you everyone who had spared me love the whole year. I couldn't thank you enough. And, may you have a very nice new year and may God bless!

Dying alone

I have no idea how to start this post.

A lot of things running in my mind i don't know which should i deal with first. 

When you're working you wish you could go back to study. And when you're studying, how much you wish you're back to working world. I don't enjoy studying. It gives me so much pressure and moreover, i am not sit-here-and-study-your-whole-life kind of student. If the college provides field trip i would be the first to register.

Coming up is musculoskeletal exam and to be honest, i'm not quite ready for it. I had an amazing Christmas and now i'm not really getting my study mood back. I urhmm... not really touching the books yet and the exam is in Tuesday, which is tomorrow. I have a very bad omen. i'm going to fail this subject. If i really do, i can only blame myself for it, for not doing anything about it. 

Other than that, a lot of things still which i'm not quite comfortable revealing here... So i picked up a book and started reading and in less than a day i finished up the half already. And i went to exercise every day to clear my mind up. It does help a little though but not until deep night. 

I would probably die alone.

Conversation of the day

"I try to open up myself for more things."

"Can you give me some examples?"

"Like musics and sexuality."

"Do they have connection with each other?"

"No."

"Are you saying you are gay?"

"I won't say that but i won't deny either. It is like at some point you started questioning yourself a lot of things and these are those that came to my mind. I'm absolutely neutral to a lot of things. And i'm doing fine."

"What about musics?"

"I like mellow kind of musics and one day i heard of a heavy metal song i couldn't remember its name. I hated it at the beginning then i asked myself why not i just give it a try. I bought an album later then and surprisingly, it was helpful clearing up my mind."

"That is interesting."

"Yeah. Not until you give more things more try's. You never know you may like them."

Loopholes

I watched a show just now and kinda made me feel sad.

This show inevitably made me think that a lot of medical services are meant for the upper class people. I'm not picking on the rich based on what they have and it's a sin to own them but on the contrary, i'm trying to say how unfair all these important details are to those belong to the lower class people.

Taking an example, after a surgery the patient would have to undergo a chain of rehab programmes to restore them back to a functional individual. That gonna cost a lot. Rehab is not a cheap programme and it is kind of a long term programme, which mean a person would have to keep on pouring cash into it. A common example would be stroke. To restore a patient with stroke it gonna take hell long time and yes, it takes a lot of money out of a person.

I do understand general hospitals are there to help them out but a lot of things are kinda make things impossible to approach. How much do i need to say to make a person understands the difference between a general and private hospital?

Everybody knows.

Back to university

Okay the first day is kinda light so not much complain here. But sadly our first lecture after one month of posting, it turned out to be things about thalamus so guess what, all the things that were taught earlier all gone, left some pieces in our faraway memory land.

Ms Chan called a meeting regarding our posting and she asked us from IJN, how was everything. We told her everything was great and it was a fantastic month. She was glad for us genuinely. One, we were happy. Two, they were happy. Three, she is happy. Four, we learnt a lot. Five, she chose the right persons. So, everything was indeed great.

At night my sister shared a picture online which caught my attention immediately. That picture made me reflect on the incidents and moments in last month. I wrote my feeling in the perfect way, complete good sense.

I don't know if they are the right ones but for the mean time they made me feel good about myself and... urhm... whatever written on the picture above, they were all i'm feeling right now. So, yeah. I enjoy very much learning and working with them. I mean it.

Allow me to put one more picture. Here they are.

End of posting

Can you believe that time is really passing that fast? It is like i just started my posting and i'm terrible sick, putting on a mask and working as usual? However, we didn't take a picture together at the end but everything is in our mind, every single seconds, every single scenes. Ahhh, what a beautiful view.

On the last day everyone in the department were discussing our departure. We all planned to buy a cake for them to say thank you and the day before our last day, i went and bought it. and early in the morning we did our thank-you-speech and things. We did it in the morning because that is the only time we can see all of them. So yeah.

Did i learn anything from it? Yes. I did. A lot. I didn't know where should i start from cuz' if i would to write everything out it may take half of my day. Seriously, i'm very happy i was posted there. Exposure in ICU, PICU, HDU, ward, gym and the rest, they were all great. Every week i had a reflection and i told myself i chose the right course. I'm here for a reason.

Allow me to write a list.

• Thank you Mr Azran for teaching me about CRP I,II,III. 6MWT, cardiology and cardiothoracic.
• Thank you Mr Radzwan for teaching me everything about paediatrics, suction, and percussion.
• Thank you Mr Hafizi for teaching me all about BP and pharmacology.
• Thank you Ms Siti for encouraging and teaching me about the ways to handle patients in the ward. You encouragements i will remember a life time.
• Thank you Ms Hafiza for helping me out my very first patient in my first case study on the 2nd POD. I didn't know what would happen if she didn't come together.
• Thank you Ms Malina for asking about my patient and at the same time teaching me about the case.
• Thank you Ms Zaidah for teaching so many things during the time in ICU. I learnt so much i couldn't thank her more.
• Thank you Ms Ain for her continuous encouragement and kindness.
• Never the less, thank you Madam Boey for fitting me in last minute. Without her nod i won't be here at the first place.

They gave sufficient time and space for us to learn and grow. And they even wished all of us 'all the best' before we leave the department at 5.15pm. You have no idea how much that meant to me, personally. My life is much beautiful with them crossing it. It was lovely.

Thank you for everything.

Angels down from heaven

Days after my last post were better.

These days when i visit my patient thank God he is getting better. That makes me so relief you have no idea.

Other than that, i feel blessed cuz' i get to talk to most of the PT there and they taught me a lot of things. I get a lot of opportunities and i couldn't thank them much. This week has been a huge up and down for me. First about my patient, then some lift by the PTs. Without their encouragements and attentions, i don't know i think i fell down the well and stayed down there until now probably. Thank you so much. I think life sometimes really is funny. It gives you face a big hard slap then it sends somebody to caress your face afterwards. You know?

Yesterday night i went out my Yean, Elaine and CCH and we had a great night. We went KLCC and stopped by Starbucks for a cup of drink and chat for more than an hour. I actually got a lot of things to do the PTs gave me a lot of pharmacology works to do but that time i'm in great grave need of fresh air so i went anyhow. I enjoyed very much the chat we had last night. Next week gonna be our last week in this posting and right before we leave, each of us there gotta throw a presentation about the case that we got. So, yeah.. wish me luck!

This afternoon during lunch time my friends and I went to KLCC and we took a photo together. It was really great but the 'photographer' was really weird hmm... We are working in the hospital helping those that are in need, and the lighting in the photo was really great so i named that photo as 'Angels down from heaven'. Shall us do good for long.

It was a long day

Today is not that delighting it bugged me the whole day.

Yeah... something happened. Yesterday i got a case from my supervisor and i was called to follow up with the patient all the time. I went to ICU with her and checked on the patient. Routine was the same, i taught him some exercises and gave him some precautions and advice before i left the cubicle.

The nurse told me that my patient will be sent to the ward in the afternoon soon when there's a room. So the next day in the morning i went to the ward with another physiotherapist but it didn't turn out good. The patient remained the same condition as he was in ICU. In fact, he is sicker, i don't know.

Half way of my assessment the physio came into the room and she did all the talking until the end. First, i didn't get to do my works on MY case. Second, the patient's condition is really worrying me. Considering his young age, that shouldn't be possible. This is my first case and i have to do a case presentation next week, i hope everything goona be fine. Third, his sputum production is high but in my auscultation on his lungs, they were clear and all i heard was only air entry. There must be something wrong but.... why? I can't tell. Is my auscultation went wrong or something? Pretty contradicting the results.

Because of all these my mood was pretty down the whole morning. After i got down from the ward i went straight into gents to get some air. "Probably God is giving me some challenges. He has a plan for me perhaps." I said to myself. After a while i went out of it and kept myself busy the whole time until lunch.

After CRP II i went up to gym A to help out the physios. At about 4 plus, as the patients ended their CRP I and went back to their wards a senior physio talked to me asking about my day. I told her part by part and she slowly pouring me some information and guides. We talked for about 30 minutes. After that i went to see a patient and when i'm done with her, while i'm on my way back to gym B i started reflecting on the conversation i had with the senior physio. After such a long day, when i'm about to call it a day she asked me about my day. I'm feeling really moved. I don't know how to describe that feeling but it was good.

Maybe God really has a plan for me and He's guiding me through it. I don't care anymore whether he does exist or not, i need Him. I can't go further without Him. If i'm lying to myself so just let me be, i don't mind. He's an important mental support in my life and yes, even though it is corny but, i love Him. Love Him. Simple as that.

Rich is the heart

Can't believe this week is passing so fast! It's thursday now! The first 2 days in paediatric weren't that good cuz' a lot of information to take it. The congenital heart diseases were hell to remember. Even until now i can't quite remember part of the abbreviations.

My supervisor Mr Radzwan, he was nice to me but the first impression of him to me was, he looked fierce! So to the contrary, he wasn't. But I have to really put attention while listening to him cuz' he speaks fast. A lot of things i just nodded without catching a word said by him. Overall, he is a nice person. You would have to catch up with his speed, his voice, his 'joke'. His smile was pretty charming by the way when he looked at the babies.

This is one of the conversations we had this afternoon.

"How do you find paediatric?"
"It is fine but not the first day."
"Why so?"
"It was frightening."
"Frightening?"
"Yeah. Not ready to see their cough and gag reflex as the suction catheter was inserting inside. Their eyes rolled up! I can't imagine what i'd do if somebody put something like that deep down my throat probably i would punch him. Just, not the first day."

When i got back from the paediatric ward another physical therapist gave me a patient. She got myocardial infarction and stroke followed at the back. Half of her body undergone paresis. She did angioplasty few days back and she is now here for physical therapy. She got down to the gym yesterday, and today is the 2nd day i saw her. The physical therapist told me she was doing exercise in the ward the days after surgery before coming down to the department but still, she is not that stable. Close attention and assistance are needed.

I talked to her, i taught her exercises. I told her how to stand and guide her back to walking. She told me she has a fantastic life. She is so successful before this incident and right now, she can't believe she can't even bring herself to the washroom. It was ironic she told me. And she said as well she will be good again. She wants to be healthy again so at least she could wash herself with her own hands. She got so much better after few sessions of physical therapy.

She really is working hard. She is so determine to get back to her normal healthy lifestyle. You know this little thing gives me such motivation to do better. The reason of you helping them, it is all shown now. My lecturer told me once 'you will never get rich doing this job, but, rich is the heart with the blessings and appreciations of your patients.'

Today is memorable.

Piano in the wood

I uhmm... I actually didn't have things to write for today and even the past few days but let me think...

My parents were very excited to see me probably because they didn't see me for about one week. Well parents. And Saturday just past uneventfully, which was good. I took public transport back home and my mom picked me up at the station. It was good i've always loved taking train. I don't like driving though but i have to drive cuz' it saves me a lot of time. And its convenience. So, i can listen to music, read and look out the window in the train. It kinda nice. I listened to Shane Filan's latest album and fell into sleep peacefully. How wonderful my afternoon. My dad brought us out to night market after dinner and we talked when we back to home. Simple and nice. Relaxing weekend. I've missed that.

I saw this photo online and reminded me of one of the poems i wrote earlier which i named it 'The Green Uniforms'. The message you get might be different from mine but here is mine:

               'He misses his home; his time; his lover; his hobby. The old piano in the wood reminded him that he was once a graceful pianist and he somehow have forgotten about it and the first sound it produces sound like a stranger to him. His tears fall and he had missed that. How is home now?'

Whatever makes me sleep at night

Few days ago i was pretty sick i couldn't do any works and kinda affected my posting as well.

On Sunday i went for a marathon and i got a medal for being no. 77 reached the finishing line. For that i got a medal and completely out of my expectation. What was bad is i fell sick immediately. I couldn't sleep well the past few days and i ran the marathon in the rain. Probably those are the causes. Well, it worth it anyway even though i felt so sick on the first day of my posting. Luckily we weren't called to to wards or i pretty confirmed i will spread the germs to the patients.

I went with my mom and sis btw.

The past 2 days and today in IJN were good until i realized, today, i did something wrong on the patient. Specifically, i taught them the wrong way of using incentive spirometer. Dear God how could i make this mistake?! I want to kill myself right now. Some of them just post-op 2nd day and latter, and i don't know if this will.... Oh dear...!! It made me feel so bad i don't know if could sleep tonight.

Tomorrow i will go back to the wards and correct them. I'm ready to take the blame and i just know i have to do this. 

Whatever makes me sleep at night.

Met Shane Filan tonight!

Shane Filan from Westlife came to Malaysia for 2 events and i attended one of them- his autograph event in One Utama! I reached there pretty early and waited for more than 5 hours just to get his autograph! In fact, i got more than autograph. I talked to him, exchanged a handshake, and a picture with him!! That's the main, he agreed to take a picture with him!! Thank you!! You have no idea how much it meant to me!!

Here's what i wrote on facebook i gonna put it here as well:

"            This photo is not easy, it's a WAR with the crews but Shane Filan is kind enough to say 'Yes'!! I have always thought queuing up for autograph is stupid but now i realized, if he/she is your idol this gonna be whole different story. I said "It's an honour to meet you" and he replied me "It's an honour to meet you TOO!" Then we exchanged a handshake and got his autograph. This is totally the best thing happened right before i go for clinical posting! This is IN-SHANEEEEEEE!!!"

It is definitely a good day! Wishing him all the best for his solo career! Love from Malaysia!

Stigmas about homosexuality?

My sister called me to watch a video on youtube and it was a fabulous video and yet interesting.

The name of that video is 'What if hetero was frowned upon' and carried an amazing information. Based on its name, more or less, you already know what is the content of that video. So, as mentioned above, what if homosexual is normal whilst heterosexual is not? The video depicted a fantastic information and indeed important for all people to know. Some people said it was dramatized but if you have seen the youths or people who suffered the from it you won't say that. You say you may still be their friends but not to know a single detail about their sex life but would you be very much interested of a hetero sex life? I mean that doesn't make sense because as an individual that's private and either way it shouldn't be asked or shared.

A lot of people afraid that they may go to hell or their religion forbids homosexuality. When you ask why so and the reason is pretty simple: God doesn't make you that way- to like the same gender, homosexual people can't reproduce! Well personally they're pretty constrained and the thing that worries them is the nation will go extinct. Oh dear God, you have made a handful of humans but why didn't you make them possess a little wisdom?

First, if a God decided to put you into hell simply because you're homosexual, i don't see at all the point of you staying beside him. You can scold me for degrading the God but let's be realistic, if God did that to His believers would you really like Him? This is the same when an empire has a bad ruler, the citizens are risen to fight against his cruelty. Doesn't that make things clear? I have my belief and i believe in my God for His kindness for all His believers. He made us because he wants us to live and as well love each others. That's what his teaching has always been i won't deny that for the very least. And so, why would he punish us for just being your own with your own skin and in fact, you're a lovely person who does no harm to anyone! If a crime culprit is to compare to a gay person, com'on, isn't clear enough who's the real problem here. Conclusion, He loves us. He won't put his lovely believers into hell for being themselves and instead of that, He loves them even more. If you believe, you believe. I believe. Because in every religion the God shares a mutual purpose- The best for their believers and love them no matter what because, as everyone said, they are our fathers, afterall.

Second, God didn't make homosexual, He didn't make humans that way. Okay, who the hell are you to speak upon God. So should a person blindly believe whatever that's written by men, after centuries and centuries, was altered for numerous times, how accurate can it be? If you really wanted a guideline so badly. Let me tell you, if a human can't even capable of thinking or rationalize a matter, and simply believe whatever written which was thought passing down by the God don't know how many centuries ago, please, put on your thinking cap and think about it again.

And, reproduction? How funny you're worry about reproduction. I would rather say every person favours different things. Thus some individuals are much prefer to live a life with the same gender and some with different gender. So there's no point of worrying about extinction because homosexuality are not capable of killing off the whole nation! There are people who love being in a heterosexual relationship and so they can have children. What's the big deal? Every single minute passed a person is dead, as being estimated, due to many factors like famine or contagious diseases. If that doesn't kill the whole nation in the past history why would you even worry about homosexual relationship? Simply because they can't reproduce doesn't mean that they're defected or what, they're still a human being who God has put in a big effort of making him. And there are couples who are infertile and you never grouped them in. Reason is simple, they are still a human being, loved by the people who cared about them. The same principle applying to homosexual persons.

The only problem here is stereotype. And this is unfair. And your personal point of view is selfish. A person who never follows the crowd doesn't make them a queer. They simply don't like the thing most people favoured. And you gotta learn that it is a fact. You like reading but i don't. You like eating greens but i don't. Simple as that. You won't like people calling you a weirdo when you don't share a common interest. And definitely people won't call you a weirdo as well for not eating greens because in their mind, it is fine to hate eating vegetables.

And the topic of being a homosexual is a choice. Please don't drag that in. It doesn't matter if it is a choice or not because people adjust to make themselves comfortable. I don't deny environment plays a part but remember, reason for a person to change varies due to a number of factors and 'born with it' is one of all. We try not to judge. We are no them. We don't know a thing. Let's be just neutral here. Just think neutral. The problem nowadays is majority of people has accepted that homosexual is abnormal and such acceptance changes when the majority thought it is okay. How horrifying it is people just follow as if they don't have a choice. In fact, they do.

The hatred and bully happening all around the world are overwhelming and i think they're lacking an open-mind to learn. So much things to learn and if a person couldn't put down his egoism and open up his mind, there will never be an improvement. Trust me. Suicide has become a common solution for youths who undergoing such hellish torment. What i'm trying to say is, you gotta be strong. Just stand up and be strong. Things can get very bad but you still have to be strong because if you don't, no one can do anything for you. Before getting help from others you need to help yourself. Before getting respect from others you gotta respect yourself and most importantly, before you can love a person, you gotta love yourself first. Everything starts with yourself and you will somehow get an energy to keep moving on. For no one but yourself. And definitely you can do it because once you're out of the mist, you're good because you're strong now, no one can ever harm you. Nobody can. Love yourself.

I have no idea who may read this but anyone who is undergoing a very hard time and read this by accident, i hope you can put back up your big boy pants and start putting yourself back on your feet backing to your life, outed of depression. You deserve a little smile in heart. Somehow at some point in your life, you will need to keep reminding yourself to never back up and be brave to walk the path down every single day. You will be amazed how far you have gotten yourself already>When you look onto the bright blue sky, panting sweating and feeling the warm sunlight shining on your skin. Can you feel the wind caressing your cheek? Your hair's flying the grass is singing. And that's how your future looks like. You don't give up.

May God bless.

I WILL CRUSH YOU

今天想用华语下笔。

今天被我的阿姨搞得非常生气。若不是因为得去看婆婆，我是不会去见她的。每次看见她准没好事。他妈的她真的是一个标准的反社会者。

由小我就对我自己说若不要看别人脸色，自己一定要出色。因为你一旦有求于人你就注定要看别人脸色。有时候有些情况不允许我们不求别人，但是你一定要尽你全力以避免此事情发生。

可能我不够好，我学习得不够优秀才会有今天的事情发生，才会如此被人奚落。我很谢谢她又让我重新有了动力，有了另一个原因继续前进，继续努力，继续比现在做得更好。我不是要证明些什么，我只是不要别人看不起我。我们家已经受够这种折磨，我没有理由要让这愚蠢兼无畏的“传统”继续流传下一代。这个必须在我踏入社会时正式结束。我没有理由要继续让我家人受这种气，这种待遇。无论发生什么事情，做人一定要有骨气。什么难处都得咬紧牙关走下去。他们活着就是要见证我们倒下的那一刻。我不会让这种事情发生，一定不能。

我答应过我自己，我的成功正是给他们一记狠狠的耳光。我得努力，我得走出来，我得给他们狠狠一记耳光。别低估我，我会让你后悔。彻底后悔。只要你够优秀就没有人敢看不起你，就没有人会对你不敬。

I WILL CRUSH YOU.

These are my friends

On the past saturday and sunday were Deepavali and my friends invited me to their homes.

On saturday i went to Priya's house and so happened that her dad's friends came to her's at the same time as mine. So i had to leave early and kinda blamed Priya for not letting me know beforehand before she had a chance to explain. I'm a little impulsive sometimes i'm trying to change that. She walked me to my car and we had a short conversation just before she had to go back there to take care of her dad's friends. Very short conversation and we both wanted more time. Really, i sometimes resented her for some weird stuffs but when we start talking again we kinda leave that behind us. It happens all the time. But, i can't imagine life without her. She's my very good friend. 

Later at night i went out with Wen. I always call her out for dinner when i'm back to Ampang. And, whenever we hangout we used to eat a lot the whole time. No difference for this time too. We took our dinner first before hanging out at cyber center. About 2 hours later we went to McDonald's for supper. So we eat again. Ice-cream, apple pie, drink, and french fries. One good thing about both of us: We never get fat deposited beneath our skin. Whenever we feel like eating, we just eat. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, or supper, we just eat. Good huh. Moments with her are the best moments always. You can be yourself completely and just talk. She won't get offended when i say something rude. And so am I. We are just comfortable when we're hanging out. 

The next day i went to Bav's place for her open house. She's celebrating Deepavali. Tammy and Eddy came as well. So we are the Trio from college visiting her. We had our lunch there (Eddy had too much he couldn't sit still afterwards :D ) and we made acquaintances with Bav's friends. Everything went pretty well. Later then i drove back to PJ.

>> Priya and Wen, you both are my very good friends and i'm hoping the best for both of you. Big hugs with love. 

Simply thought this is beautiful ;)

Today, i'm so relief.

This gonna be real simple and yet it took me some time on how to pen it down.

This morning I had a class with Ms Chan on the topic of osteoarthritis. At the end of it she commented on some students on their performances so far in the course [she's our mentor] and i was one of them.

How relief you feel when a person, just a person is totally certain and knowing what you're doing and that proves you're somebody. You're something, something that people spent time to observe. I'm not talking about attention, I mean, the hard works you'd poured in, somebody knows and appreciates that.

I've always been uncertain with all my works and doubting myself all the time and find no one that i can talk to. It's just hard to tell people, you know? Moreover your friends don't deserve to listen to all your brags. But today i am so relief, so.relief. 

Here's my promise to my beloved lecturer Ms Chan- I'll do my best now in the course and wherever i am in the future for the patients and harming no one. Thank you.

Best Friday

Last Friday was the happiest day of the week. I've been a little busy lately but on that particular Friday i had a dinner with my ex co-workers and i had so much fun. My exams and posting are coming so i've got a little works and preparations to do, and a little pressure i feel as well. My mom was very sweet. You know what she told me while she was sending me to LRT? 'Leave the works behind and have fun tonight. You need that'. Who should i love if she's not the one?

So, we chatted and things and eventually i got to know that there were so many things happened in just one year. A lot of things. Anyway, it's great to see them again. So great and happy.

Left: Andrea, Sarah, Yen, CM, Jasmine

Left: Andrea, Yen, Jasmine, CM, Bryan (me)

When is the happiest moment so far in your working journey? If i would to say, the time i spent with these people in the photo, and few that are not in here >> Miss Lee, Poh Chu and Vicki, are probably the best thing ever happened in my life. Thank you so much for your grace that i can never return.

Earlier on Facebook i saw an admin of a page posted something and it held my attention immediately. I don't think i have to say much already, everything had been mentioned in my last few posts. You will know when you see them.

My exam is on tomorrow, and another one is coming on this Thursday. I don't know when my next post would be but wish me all the best!

In a day

There are so many things to be registered and i can't write every single detail out. There are just too many. I know it is always depressing. Over-thinking is just bad for health.

Today went ordinarily. Everything was pretty fine. During lunch time my friends and i sat around the table and had a normal lunch with normal conversation. At some point i told them the reason of my very first intention to join the Northombria programme that runs in collaboration with my university. Reason is simple i wanted to get out of university and get a job. Some friend told me they're going to further their study to master level and some said they are not in a rush to get into the working world. There are a lot of reasons for that and those reasons they said i don't have that at all. Those opportunities i've always wanted. The footsteps. How much my mom knows i'm dying for that she calls me to go but how? Loan. Debt. Digits in the freaking bank account. But thanks for saying that, mom.

Some people is so used to accept things they thought they deserve and they take them as granted. They make use of somebody's love for them to take advantages out of them. And they blame them for giving them those things because their life is pathetic, it's pathetic because they don't have a child and, and, they force them to take their love, and that's selfish, so selfish! How could you think and say something so harsh of them what's the rubbish running in your freaking mind? Too used to accept things and didn't know how to give some back?

My class finished in the afternoon and i spent some time with my friends to discuss about the coming exams. We didn't call anyone cuz' discussion can't really run well and thoughts as well can't register good while there're too many people. The middle of the discussion some people came to us and to be honest, they took me by surprise. As i said to my discussion mates, there are nothing to hide if they knew, they knew. That's all. But what i see in my friends who surprised me, they're not really keen about it. I'm not sure they just walk away when they're done with their errands like they're in a hurry. Well maybe they are but they look just like in a big HURRY. Please don't make this omen a reality and hopefully i'm just thinking too much. Or did i just get selfish?

I watched a movie tonight called 'The Back-up Plan' and it was painful when it hit me hard at some point. So, this lady whose name is Zoe, she has always had her guard up and being very withdrawn when she comes to a long term relationship. She couldn't trust men simply because his mom, or grandma, survived through a hard marriage. Her mom passed away and her dad didn't stick around when her mom was terminally ill. What she did was pushing people away when things get too serious. She met this guy named Stan and she backed away from him at a stage in the film.

It kinda 'click' in my mind and i realize that i'm doing something similar. The day after that i distrust people easily and, i don't make friends into depth or even worse, i don't want to even talk to them if i don't have an interest. Even if i did i didn't want to take the friendships further. I stopped going for any celebration held by my friends, i backed myself up when things go too deep. I stopped being enthusiastic about people's problem and i stopped giving too many of my words. I swear to God i'm not exactly like that last time. God this is bad.

Things change people. And Zoe inseminated herself on the day she met Stan and madly fell in love. Zoe thought she'll never gonna find the right one after hundred times of date and she decided to buy sperms from the sperm bank and get herself pregnant. She even joined a group 'Single Mothers Proud'. So, yeah.

I'm a man and i want a child in my future. I have thought if one day if i didn't find the right one i will adopt but the first priority is IVF. I don't have the privilege that a woman has so... I mean, i'm just thinking. And in that film, Zoe's grandma told her to stop thinking too far and just give everyone a chance because not everyone behaves the same like whoever treated her bad in the past. What i'm thinking? I don't know. I really don't. I need some time.

Stan is indeed a good guy. Good looking, responsible, respectful, lovely. All the criteria that everyone dies for. As he knew about the insemination and understands parenthood he's freaking out. He's studying in a night school and all he could do was only part-time. At the middle of the night he woke up and Zoe found him in the kitchen cooking pancakes. He's freaking about because raising a TWIN, yes, TWIN, that's a doubling up the expenses to raise a child. A child is enough to kill a person's financial and do you think for a guy who barely passing his economics. He planned to drop out from his night school and find a job for a stable income. For the family. You know what i think? Such insecurities. People always said you can't solve all the problems using cash but matter-of-factly it does solve a lot of problems. I would definitely feel insecure when my bank account digits turn into one. Or even 0. You know what i mean? This is some sort of how i feel now and another reason of finishing college and get a job. There are a lot of reasons. A lot.

Of all, I'm not blaming. Just, i had a very hard time to cope with that. Even until now it still bugs me although we talked. Sometimes seeing the face kinda make me.... i don't wanna say that. Just, give time some time...?  I thought i have given enough.

And i've written enough i reckon as well. Good night peeps.

Love your body, love yourself

Right before i get busy again let me drop some words.

I wrote a letter to myself which to be opened when i hit 30. Yeah, 9 years later on 2022. I wrote a lot inside and hopefully that time when i open that letter it goona be a whole different world for me already.

I watched a show on National Geography on Saturday and i finally decided one thing that is to do continuously my whole life. I realize that humans don't love themselves enough or being a little specific an individual often doesn't love him/herself or his/her own body enough they spoil it all the time. And i watched another short clip online the past few days and the narrator said 'People stop stretching themselves when they reach a stage in life'. The narrator said more than that and i found it very true and yes, at some point humans stop stretching themselves, and so am I.

I realize i don't love myself enough. I don't love my body enough i spoiled it. All i thought was reading is enough and knowledge is what rules the world. Now i don't think that anymore. Knowledge and physical health are both important to make an individual more engaging in every single errand in life. I stop stretching myself, my physical health. I made up my mind, i will keep on exercising no matter what to love my body more because there's no one else to love your own body except myself. I have to do that, you know? To love myself enough because i deserve that for the very least. And i told myself 'Bryan, give it a shot. Twelve weeks. See the difference before and after and you will be surprised you had came that far, the body you had given to yourself, the health that is so precious nowadays people depend on supplements only.' I goona work that out.

The narrator in that short clip said as well 'You start self-doubting yourself.....' the back sentence i couldn't remember already but the main word he used was there- self-doubt. I always do that and when i did, i got very depressed and don't know what to do with it. I couldn't tell anyone because i couldn't get myself to do so. I don't know what else i should do. Just today, i did that. The topics that were discussed in the class were pretty hard for me to cope with and in the morning i wasn't in a good shape at all. Pretense is what i good at. I hated that fact, you know?

I saw a photo on instagram of my friend Eddison and his sister. He celebrated his sister's birthday and i saw them laughing warm in the photo and i genuinely glad for him. He always complains about his sister and yet the love for their own bloods is inseparable. That is family. You don't leave anyone behind or let any of them feeling left-out. This is family.

On Sunday i downloaded few albums and they were great. I listened to them dozen of them and couldn't get enough of them and i'm sure all of people listened to them too. Just in case that you're curious: Adele- Adele 19, Daniel Powter- The Best of Me, and Secondhand Serenade- A Naked Twist in My Story.

Seriously, they're really good. Discovering more good musics for fill my life with more colours. And hopefully i put back a smile on my face, be away from self-doubt. That's what everyone wants. That's what i really want. To be happier. Allow myself, ourselves, to be a little happier. Because, all of us, deserves that, afterall.

You don't give up, Bryan Wu

This goona be real quick.

I have so many works to do i'm not sure if i'm the one who giving myself that workload or university is literally that pressuring but what i'm trying to say is when i'm on the verge of giving up like 'nahhh fuck whatever that's coming i don't care if that goes good or bad i just want it to end quick as fuck' and i saw this little thing my friend shares on Facebook.

I have exams coming in 2 weeks time and i'm not confident if i can do well. It has been some time since my last practice. And tomorrow there will be 2 presentations. One on cervical spine fracture and another one is oxygen therapy. I could have done something on wednesday but i chose to watch movies and so yeah, what can i say? haha!

Let's do that tomorrow. You, you. You don't give up, Bryan Wu.

A Chinese article

My dad shows me a paper full with Chinese words and he wants me to read them all. I found it really nice and i want to share with all of you. For readers who don't know how to read Chinese, perhaps you can seek for help or go for direct translation using Google. Even though it might not be exactly the same but i'm sure it gives you more or less the same meaning. It is a very great article.

“阅读，是心灵的旅行；旅行，是心灵的阅读。不停阅读，不停旅行，让自己幸福前进。

感情是一种生活状态。生活中有了感情，生活才充满诱惑。生活中有了感情，生活才不会孤独。生活中有了感情，生活才有了色彩。生活是感情的代表，感情是生活的基因。

生命承载不了太多的沉重，如果不及时丢弃一些东西，我们将会不堪重负，脚步缦跚。记忆就像一只钱夹，装的太多就会合不上，里面的东西还会掉出来。生命注定要忘却一些东西，不应再追忆的便彻底丢弃，太多的留恋会成为一种包袱。过去的事情可以不忘记，但一定要放下。一念放下，万般自在。

人有两条路要走，一条是必须走的，一条是想走的，你必须把必须走的走漂亮，才可以走想走的路。

不要辜负了每天新一轮的美好晨光。不开心睡了一觉，就让它过去吧。小时候的欢乐，那是单纯带来的；长大后的痛苦，是复杂给予的。好好去爱，好好生活。”

That one above is probably what i want to say today. Great day ahead people.

And, I love you, Dad.

Brag with lovely friends

As I planned earlier i went down to Ampang to meet my friends. We went to Brussel's and that short moment we talked about all sort of things, i kinda want that moment to freeze forever. We ordered beers and tidbits and that's how we passed our night.

We talked about so many things. Senese complained about her piano students, Elaine kept talking about her lost purse, which then found out that she dropped it in her home's toilet, and I non-stop talking about my future. Meanwhile, Senese told us about her trip to Australia and it seemed that she had a lot of fun!

I told them that in my coming future i want to be in either one of this four countries: England, Canada, Australia or United States. We got into discussion and my urge to go to England grows stronger now. I can do it, i can do it!

And Elaine is going to graduate, everybody is going out to work in no time and i'm still studying. I know i will miss the college time once i'm done with  my study but for now, i want to really be independent as soon as possible so i don't have to burden my parents any more. I can't stand myself as being a 21 year old boy i'm still asking for pocket money. That doesn't make me feel good at all. They're getting old and i just want to get out of college ASAP.

Okay, enough of those depressing things and here i have 2 photographs i captured in Brussel's. Tonight is great. Great.

This is a cider. I forgot its name but it tasted like heaven. If i happen to go
Brussel's again i will for sure order this and enjoy its scent.
It's so great you can't say just can't say no.

Senese Bryan Elaine
We had so much fun. <3 td="">

Damn the nightmare

I had a very bad nightmare and i couldn't put myself into sleep anymore now at this hour. I slept at 10pm plus on the couch until the time when the damn nightmare came across. I think i'll just watch a movie or something, just something.

Anyway, today was great. Presentation of defibrillation went well and i'm feeling good with it. I changed a little of my usual style of presentation, as in the way i put my words while explaining and going from one segment to another segment, i made it a little reciprocal so it won't be so dead. I found it working well, the people were paying attention. I'll try that again in the coming presentation to check that again.

And the discussion went well. I think the whole idea is a brilliant idea, we learnt so much during the process, thinking in a different way, i mean, THINKING, that is the main thing; and it's effective from both theory and clinical aspect. It supposed to make all of us understand further, enhancing self-reasoning capability and correct application of equipment in different situations. We'll see again how the next discussion goes.

I saw this online, from 'The Humans of New York' and find it stunning and wanted to share it. No copyright infringement intended.

The words that say behind the silhouettes. 

Ultrasound- my little research

I stayed back a while in the library when the classes ended. I'm having so many doubts and questions on the effectiveness of therapeutic ultrasound and in fact i had been thinking about it for a period of time. This thing troubled me so much and finally, today, i stayed back and collected some information from whatever books available in the library, read again and again of those books i picked, sum up the information and wrote up a paper regarding this topic.

Well, that satisfied me and for a little while i can now put ultrasound aside and focus on other subjects. Musculoskeletal is just fun and i can't get enough of it. I love it. But i think that doesn't make me do well in theory paper i guess? LOL! I mean i'll just do my best and definitely THE BEST during posting in this coming November. Wait... what i'm trying to say is i learnt a lot today and those information are mind-blowing.

I reached home at about 8pm and immediately after my shower i went out to have dinner with my parents. The rest of the night i spent without touching any physio materials. I need a break. It's draining a lot of energy out of me. And i watched this movie called 'This Is The End' and it was hilarious. I asked myself 'what did i just watched?' at the end of this film. The movie made no sense but it is meant to make you laugh so.... It's just hilarious.

And I listened to 'Listen' by Beyonce and paid a little attention to its lyrics this time. It was good and nice. Haihh... I realized it only by now. Kinda put me into some thoughts.

Reading nothing doesn't make me sleep earlier anyway. It's 3 in the morning and i probably needa hit the sack. See what's coming up in my next update. I hope that will be something delighting. :)

Learn nicely and correctly because my future patients need a good therapy for speedy recovery.
For my patients. For my men. For my country.
Should be doing fine.

Harsh and brutal

It is now 2.40am in the morning and i haven't slept yet. I didn't plan to write anything actually but as usual, i just feeling writing something.

I'm watching Grey's Anatomy and i love it. It gave me a lot of thoughts and insights and i love it a lot; how it makes me reflect and once in a blue moon, makes me feeling great. It has its own magical power to soothe its audiences. Maybe not all but at least me.

Days are just harsh. They are harsh. And i can't wait to get out of it. What people always hoping are for time to run slower and i'm hoping it the other way round. I want it to go faster and i hated it to be so slow, going so slow i... i.... Can't you tick faster?

Days are just harsh and brutal.

Let me share something with you:

" We like to think we're fearless, eager to explore unknown lands and soak up with new experiences. But, the fact is, we're always terrified. Maybe the terror's part of the attraction. Some people go to horror movies, we cut things open, dive into dark water. And at the end of the day, isn't that what you'd rather hear about, if you got one drink and one friend and 45 minutes? Smooth rides make for boring stories. A little calamity, that's worth talking about."

-Grey's Anatomy, Season 5, Episode 3.

p/s: keep walking, don't stop.

Odd shit

I had a very hectic and occupied week.

Not much about studying, instead my friends and I was preparing a lot for the debate which just over this morning. I had spent the past few days on discussing about the debate but anyway, we didn't win the debate. It was so close to win just that the luck wasn't our site. I'm proud with my team members, we did our best and we gave it all. We lose by 2 marks only. Close game. We will do better next time. And i think i have some ideas about debating already. And we still got a certificate. At least we got something somehow.

The past few days i spent so much time on the debate and i didn't even have time to go online, hardly, unless for collecting the information for the debate. And Frank chatbox-ed me on facebook. We had a 2-line conversation, so here is it:

"When do you be free?"
"Pretty busy nowadays. What's up?"

And that's the end of it. I've waited for few days and no new message at all. I'm not sure what's the purpose of this now. How suppose i feel? I don't know how should i feel and maybe you can tell me.

Where's this leading...

Learning's beautiful

Feeling real great this weekend. I didn't do much, just reading again and again.

I had been reading a lot of research papers and biomechanics of human body lately. I'm not a nerd who wanted to get great result by reading a lot or studying very hard just for the purpose of nailing all the exams. My life and aim are far way greater than that. 

Okay, please don't take me wrongly like i'm trying to sell myself. What i mean is i need those knowledge to do good. If i'm not mistaken, for the coming posting i will be posted on musculoskeletal department and i'll be facing a lot of patients who having muscoloskeletal problems. I wouldn't want to harm them and the HOD wouldn't be pleased if i did that. Other than that, i do developed an interest on musculoskeletal and i want to make sure that i'll study thoroughly about it correctly and properly. For the sake of my ambition, the military setting, i gotta do well with my musculoskeletal. 

Reading a lot just because of that. To understand things better so you don't have to memorize facts deadly. Learning then will be fun. And, i think i ditched neurology for a moment. Gotta pick it up already or i'm going to fail my coming formative exams. 

Found this online and depicted my feelings perfectly.

A message to my future self

My muscles started aching and it's not odd if you see me walk a weird gait. Anyways, i'm here to drop some words, probably no meaning.

So, as i promised this is the tea that i said it was great. I mean it. So great! And the following picture is my friend as well as my Math tutor. I couldn't have made it that far without this Math guru beside me.

My dad brought us to Empire Mall and we had our dinner there. When we were on the way back we saw O'Brien's doing a promotion in occasion of its birthday! So we went in and bought something and get a 5 bucks voucher. The sandwich tasted good and i'm totally going back for it. 'Classic Triple Decker' if i'm not wrong. And the picture below is just a paper bag with sandwich inside of it. I don't want the camera to eat my sandwich first. And btw, it was a big portion for a person though.

I watched this movie today- 'I Am Sam'. It was such a sad movie talking about a mentally retarded father who has only a 7 year-old literacy, working hard to fight for a custody for his daughter. His wife ran away once his daughter was born. I think these two sentences are enough to tell how sad the story is.

I love my family so much. And a message to my future self: Be a better father.

McD Run 2013

Not going to write much today.

I went for McD run with my friends and it was great. A lot of people participated and i was being told that the first place in Men-Open 10km took only 17 minutes to complete the race. That was crazy! I used about 50 minutes to complete the race and i'm very satisfy with my performance. Shall i next time improve!

Then we went to this Italian restaurant in Pavilion to have our lunch. Michelangelo's. It was great. I don't have the photos right now in my laptop and i will upload this one particular tea on my next post because that tea was terrific! The fresh brew tea tasted like heaven! The scent that i will not soon forget.

Marathon is good. I love it.

More rants

I have both good and bad things happened for the past few days.

So i got my semester 2 results. I was good and i never expected that. I went to the office with my friends just today after our classes, the breakdown of my subject's marks weren't that delighting, for me. I mean, i could have done better. Or i'm just too hard on myself.

Since the first day back to university, i have lost all the free time. I didn't have time for my story books anymore, i don't have time for my poetry and so did my short stories. What i did for the last 2 weeks was reading physical therapy materials. I do like to read them but not on a daily basis. It takes time to digest them and yet the lecturers put on so much of stress and works for us. Presentation, tutorial works and such. I need a break so badly! Anyhow i like the way Ms Chan stimulates our brain to function and  make us to read more and understand further from proper sources. I like it that way but that's tiring. A price to pay and it worth it.

I went for 2 interviews last semester because my lecturers needed help from my friends and I. Those interviews are for the sake of running homegrown physical therapy course with higher number of students in one intake, and in collaboration with Angalia Ruskin as well. So, we went and did all the sweet talks and eventually we were rewarded nothing.

Let me be clear here. I'm a student and of course it would be really an advantage if you get Angalia Ruskin to back you up when you get out to work as a PT. But the problem here is, we went and did the interviews so carefully and things like that, for the very least we all deserved respect. You fucking idiot please don't come and slap us with 'bad results' on our face and that's the reason Angalia Ruskin not considering us. If that was suppose to be a joke, you're bad joke teller and you just need to shut the fuck up. Moreover, in the record that's demotivating your students, are you sure you want to do that? If your intention is to get your students buckled up that way, i'm not sure, just not sure you did it the right way. Bet you have never read the book 'Tuesday With Morrie'.

I understand too, the time we got out to work it's more important how you carry yourself and such but what i'm saying is it's an advantage. You know i'm just not sure, again, if they ever fought for us for the collaboration's sake. We did our part perfectly well, and so should you! I don't mind to pay more anyhow my loan would be still the same. The study loan can totally cover that up. You know what, fuck it. What you know is to spit venom into your students' face. So that's what you're good at.

Then, what the fuck my earring has to do with you. In fact i didn't put on one, it was just a stick to prevent hole closes up. You have seen me wearing it for over a year now and today you literally FORCED me to take out that stick and let it closes up? What the fuck are you thinking? Your eyes ARE threatening but bitch please, i'm not the one who succumbed easily especially on something personal. What it pricks you so terribly and you have to look into me in that demonic way as if my earring would kill your career or whatever thing? That fucking harm i didn't reliaze. No, it's invisible and you're just creating problems. Can't you make peace with people just for a second? Conversation is so hard i choose to avoid you so i can escape from being bashed unreasonably. It's really fine if you don't like me, it's a free option. I'm not born to impress you anyway. I'll do well and you'll fucking see.

And please stop that you-are-out-of-my-consideration-range-you-have-no-value-for-me-getting-you-a-job shit, i'm sick of it! What do you think you are a god? So you like to manipulate people like that even your students? Fuck that's shitty. I told myself i will do well and your fucked up mindset is just wrong. Another thing, if you're fucking asking for help, ask nicely. Don't threat us. Nahh, you will turn down whatever plans we have in our mind because you ALREADY have one starting from the beginning. Correct me.

Just earlier this morning our second slot's class got cancelled and we were chilling at the bench and had a serious talk to understand each other better. I was glad to have that chat with Eddison and uhm, i apologize for those bad impressions. I understand better now. Thanks.

Lastly, for the past few days whenever i have a free 1 or 2 hours time i will stream movies online, a quick stress reliever. So i had been watching a lot gay-themed movies and particularly this movie drew most of my attention. In fact, i streamed twice. 'The Wedding Banquet'. You should watch that. Chinese culture with military background, and homosexuality. Just put away your weird pair of sights and watch it. It's good. Very. And this one called 'Milk'. About how he turned to be a politician and fight for gay rights. It's good too but at some point i don't quite understand. The name of the activist is 'Harvey Milk'. And by the way, James Franco has a role in the film too! I mean, i'm just telling :D

That's probably all. Good night.

Father and Child

Actually i didn't plan to make a post today but i saw something really great online and dying to share with all of you.

First of all, I would like to clarify something. This photo doesn't belong to me, it belongs to Humans of New York's admin. I took this down and put it up here just because i really wanted to show more people how great this picture is, and from my point of view, how intense a story could tell in a brief photo. I saw lovely father with an innocent child, reading story together on the train in the subway. Fatherhood and childhood. How the bonds formed. And reading together. Deep down and honestly from my heart, i would really love to do the same thing as the father did, with my son in the future. Reading together. I see only satisfaction and happiness. Lovely photo!!

P/s: Only if you guys would like to know, today went pretty tediously. First day going back to college, 'sucks' probably the best word i found in my dictionary. 

Summarizing sem-break

Today is the end of my 5 weeks of semester break and i would like to do a summary log.

Starting from the first day i didn't do much. I borrowed 2 books from my university library just read for pleasure. Anyhow, book about fracture was the one Ms Chan told us to read up before going back for semester 3. Well, i just read few chapters to be frank. It kinda dull.

2 weeks later i got a parcel from California. I had been waiting for it for months finally it was here. There were booklet and cd inside the parcel, to teach you how to be happy. Sound corny, but back then i was depressed i looked every possible way to help myself. It was great, both the booklet and cd.

Then, i completed a story which was written by myself. 'The Tale of Brill'. At least i did something which made myself a little better. In fact, i am happy i eventually wrote a story. I would like to show it to my friends tomorrow.

I joined a poetry website too and i believed i had already mentioned in my last post. The moment i joined the poetry community i wrote pretty lot of poems. Angst, love, dark, sad, all kind of component. I never thought i could write an archaic love poem. It was my first attempt and got quite a number of feedback from the other poets. 'My Beloved's Beau', that was the title. When i write something archaic i usually write something dark, it comes easier and in fact naturally i don't quite understand myself. But love archaic poem, it was hard especially when it comes to the usage of archaic language like thee,thou,thy and thine. I made my head spin. And i actually looked up another favorite poet of mine- Shakespeare's Sonnet 18. Try to get some feelings and idea of writing using archaic words.

I learnt about Limerick and Haiku too. They are other forms that expressed through different ways. Pretty awesome. If you're thinking what are they do look it up in the internet. Technology made our life so much easier.

*Poetry saved me out of depression last time when i first wrote my very first poem. This time, it saved me again. Lovely place, lovely people, lovely environment. I couldn't find words anymore i hope you understand my feelings.*

And, i read a lot of books. Not sure if that is another achievement but i read a lot. Ernest Hemingway's, Jack Kerouac's, Allen Ginsberg's, James Franco's, and E.L. James's. I haven't read Naked Lunch yet by William Burroughs, it is pretty hard to understand.

Those are pretty much everything. I didn't work throughout the whole break and i decided to look up part-time job in my next semester break. I do enjoy my holiday, and i hope my friends did too.

P/s: Pretty broke already.

A quote right before starting a new semester. Wishing i will
get good results for my last sem's exam.

Compliments

I should have made a post yesterday but I forgot. Let's talk about yesterday.

Yesterday i was really happy, i found a place where i could post my poems and share with people who are having the same passion as mine. I posted some the poems i have written so far, not all. Maybe in the future i will post all. 

Anyways, I've posted some and particularly this poem i'd written last year, which was also my first poem, drew a lot of attention. A lot of people dropped by the poem and commented on it. They were very nice bunch of poets they complimented my poem. I didn't expect that at all i just wanted to share actually, my very first intention. Moreover, who am I? I'm just a person who is still learning to write something decent. They probably have written for over decades and they complimented my work. You have no idea how happy i was only if you could see my exhilaration. 

I read again and again their comments and those literally made my day, i was so happy, i have never anticipated that. The title of that poem is 'Me', written when i was deep in depression. It was a story that being expressed in the form of poem. A true and sincere piece of writing. Swear to God none of the facts inside weren't true.

You can find the poem here: 'Me'.

Found this online and would like to share:

p/s: Honestly my first poem was a crap, i don't take that as a poem. 

Train of thoughts

There are thoughts running in my mind but before that, i would like to talk about last night and today.

I went down to Ampang yesterday. I wanted to be away from home, i wanted to have some alone time. If i don't do that i would probably already go insane. It's suffocating.

I went down and called Wen if she free to go to night market. Every Friday there would be night market near my old house and she said she will pick me up at 8pm. So, went walked and bought foods and settled our dinner straight at the night market. I accompanied her to walk in a near by mall. She said she was selected to pick moon cakes this year for her company and would like to do some market research first. We compared the prices and she may have to discuss with her manager before making any decision.

And, she said her client gave her 3 movie tickets and she called me to go with her. Honestly, i have nothing to do today and agreed to go. The movie was great. A very fantasy-like film. Its name called 'The Mortal Instrument- The City of Bones'. It's good to watch such movie once in a while, keeping myself from something depressing. After the movie she went to her part time work and i went back home. I stopped by Amcorp Mall and spent some time in the bookstore before going up the bus.

About my driving-me-crazy train of thoughts, i don't know how to begin. I have really bad temper the past few days and easily lost my control on my emotions. It is really hard trying to figure out who you really are. I've been selective when it comes to this, certainly my parents are totally out of the circle of discussion. I don't know if it is really only me or teens did spend a lot of time thinking about the same thing. Will they get lost in their thoughts sometimes?

I've sought for many ways to get my emotions under control. I read books. I write. I talk to friends. I blog. I make Vlog. I even go for God hope that He can help me. Now, i can't believe i go for crystal. I bought myself a crystal necklace(with certain ability) and now it is hanging around my neck. I'm wearing it. How crazy, constantly finding ways to clear my thoughts and get held on my emotions.

Things can get bad and get really bad. I think i would need psychologist someday in the future.

I've written this last week and... yeah...

O' The Devil of Nightmare

O' the devil of nightmare!

Uncontrolled pederasty in the country

Covered the bright blue sky with a veil of darkness,

A familiar yet strange cloth of darkness;

A famished demon awaiting devouring its sons.

O' the devil of nightmare!

Leave us the peace state of mind,

Free us from the catatonic dreamland

Where the cathedrals do no good

For the last solace,

The remains- weeping of the mundanes.

O' the devil of nightmare!

Til' the golden eye looks onto this rotten land,

You'll be damned into the abyss of 

Never reincarnation!
Marry the merry!

And cheer for the merry!

-Sai Kit-

Reunion- Canris

I had so much fun today. Although it was a little chaotic at the beginning but at the end i still had fun. Get rid of negativity and you'll have the world greatest joy.

I planned this reunion and didn't really work out well. Not going to talk about it cuz' it was a long story. Lesson: Communication is important, clear one.

At the beginning just the 3 of us- Canris, Ying Hao and I. Then Ying hao did not stay for dinner while Ka Seng came for dinner. Priya and Peggy didn't attend. Peggy didn't even reply my second message. Not that she was busy considering she replied my first message skeptically. That was bad. Whatever. Not that it matters only by now.

We went for karaoke and had dinner together. Canris sang really well, she can sing Whitney Houston's I Will Always Love you BEAUTIFULLY! If you heard her sing that you will drop your jaw, seriously.

After the reunion, while i was walking back to KLCC i dropped by Pavillion to check out Angel, a long lost friend. I knew she is working at SASA and i really wanted to see if she's doing fine. It startled me that she got so much thinner, like my heart gets tightened instantly. I don't know i feel sad seeing her so thin like she had been working too hard. She couldn't continue her study due to her family matters and she told me she planned to just take up a short course but joining the university no more.

I couldn't speak to her for too long since she was working, i said good bye as the crowd started to grow in SASA. Please Angel, from the deepest part of my heart, treat yourself well and eat more like you have never eaten before! You look way too skinny like a malnutrition child! And, i am feeling very happy seeing you again, i have wanted to see you very long time ago just that i didn't go around that area. Take very good care, okay?

And, i like your surprised face while you saw me standing at the entrance waving hand, it was a very good feeling you still keep me as a friend despite the past, the things i had done wrongly before, hurting you before. Your delighted expression made me smile. :)

This particular thing made the happiest night. Just letting you know that, seeing you again made me happy, very.

Dropped by Kinokuniyah and read about Allen Ginsberg's poem collection, very nice. I am going to buy that when i save enough hehe....

And here are 2 photos i found on the internet:

Okay, very passionate but i'm mainly looking at their inks. Very beautiful i wanted to share with ya.

These days i keep on thinking about the world of ancient days. Not so much on their culture, mainly the environment, weather, building, natural creations and all. It gives me another inspiration on writing poetry, certainly something i can't even tell myself. *Imagining a meadow with ancient castle stretched out across it, oh so majestic!*