Letter 7

Dear friend,
I have something so enlightening to tell ya. I got two actually, and which should i tell first?

First, the practical exam went well. Even though i missed out something i truly didn't know but i gave it all i have.

Secondly, my university mates gave me a post-birthday celebration. It was really fun! Surprise was a surprise, and truly a surprise! They bought us a cake and paid the bill for karaoke.

I do not know how to say thank you by gestures so i wrote them something:

Fireflies 

A beam of light 

Dancing under a moonlit sky

A forlorner pry

Underneath his emotional ait

He cries in a rye 

Ain't no one attempt no try

Pacing up the gravel path

Is a school of fireflies

Shimmering like candlelight

Burning brighter than dynamite

Below a romantically covered starlight

Exclaim in a blissful sigh

He dances the night 

Body spinning clockwise

This is true, or Vaguely right?

Far in lightyear miles nebulas set sight

Enlightening this long isolated isle

For such bed of roses blooming in deadly granites

So strike, so strike!

Cascading this hearty rhyme

To play these beautiful minds 

A nighty lullaby

Afterall, the pleasure is all mine.

To the beautiful minds: Tammy, Eddy, Bavita, Jason, Yin Yi, Danny

Here i attached with few photographs, please know them!

I almost forgot to ask about you. I hope you are doing as well as i did. I didn't feel so relief in a while, i'm so happy i couldn't express!

With love,
Kit

Letter 6

Dear friend,
I have this little thing to tell you today. But before i go into it let me just tell you what happened the past few days.

Finally i'd done with a lot of papers and now left with 2 papers. One practical and one theory. Tomorrow would be my practical exam, and after that we will go out to have fun. It is a post-birthday celebration for my friend and I. Kind of looking for it. To be frank, the exam mood is long gone.

So here come the thing that i really wanted to tell ya.

雖然我們不能天天見面
雖然我們相隔了千萬裡

但我還是想要告訴你
你是我最珍惜的朋友

我不會因為距離 而疏遠了關係
更不會忘記那些我們一起共患難的日子

雖然不怎麼主動聯繫你
但你就是我這輩子最重視的朋友

See the picture above? I saw it online and i decided to save it down. I sent to Frank and he gave me a positive feedback. If you would understand the caption beneath the picture, you will understand how i feel for this friend, for this once broken friendship and somehow we both got over it last Chinese New Year.

The one friend that i had poured my whole life's effort to maintain our friendship which i found at first precious, then hatred when it came to a breaking point, and now i don't know how supposed i feel. Still, i sent him the photo with the caption in it.

I don't know. I just don't. Maybe deep down what i care the most, i wish to protect and maintain it with my whole heart, despite all the curses made in anguish and agony.

Have you ever had a best friend, which friendship was almost nothing but an end and come back alive? You can't sleep, you can't stop your mind your head's spinning and you can't breath well. Did i sound exaggerating? I don't. I walked it. Somehow, i'm glad we're both good again even though things had changed.

Well, enough of something heavy. Wishing you good day ahead. And, wishing me good luck for tomorrow's exam. Break a leg!

Always love,
Kit

Letter 5

Dear friend,
I'm sorry for not writing to you in a while, i hope you are doing fine right there. I still wanted to ask how are you doing? This seems like the right thing to do.

Yesterday was my birthday and i am so happy my friends planned something special for me. It was my 21 birthday and they thought it gotta be special in some sort. We went to KLCC sky bridge and a mexican restaurant. I had a blast that night.

Other than that, the calls, facebook posts, text messages, cards and presents given by my friends and family, i wanted to thank all of them, they are nice, very nice. On top of all, thank God for keeping me alive until today or i wouldn't be the happiest man on earth that night. I mean it. And thank God for blessing me through all the obstacles, the courage to keep me walking my diff-from-norm journey. I think i slowly believe the existence of God.

I won't write much this time i have got an electrotherapy practical  test tomorrow and i am not suppose to be using laptop now considering that i have to wake up early the next day. I just don't want you to feel that i neglected you. I do remember you and always find time telling you all the things that happened.

Here are some photographs took on my birthday. Please have a look on my friends and others. I just think you should see them ;)

There are more to tell but i hope these photos able to tell most.

I have to really sleep now. Maybe i will play Jason Mraz's songs to put me into dreamland. My sista has a good taste of music. Great album. You should listen to all the songs in it.

With love,
Kit

Letter 4

Dear friend,
I couldn't tell you to what extend my sadness was. I had an exam earlier this afternoon and the first thought after i got out of the exam hall was 'dafuq i was answering?' I don't have enough of time pondering for the correct and logical answers and i have to jump few questions. I left last 10 minutes for 2 essays. It had been a devastating day. So, i read.

I started reading Naked Lunch by William S. Burroughs and it is a hardcore book. I found some reviews online and some said it was good while some said the opposite. For me, i couldn't tell because i have no idea what i was reading. I couldn't understand a shit. First, i find the sentences have no connection and second, the problems i have with limited vocabulary and American slang. I hope one day i able to write like them. Even the reviewers write a handful of good English.

I put it back on the shelf and will definitely go back for this world class literature. I picked up On The Road by Jack Kerouac and it is a good book. So far i was quite on track of whatever happening in the book. Everything is still good and interesting. Guess i will go back to Naked Lunch after i finish up On The Road.

I have pretty lot of books to read though.

And, have you heard about Scientology? It is an interesting study. I have read some facts about this and watch few videos and i found it quite helpful on boosting up happiness. You should really check that out whenever you're free.

Now i want to just lay on my bed, tuck in my ears with headset and put myself into dreamland. I wanted to be away from this unsettling land.

Love always,
Kit

Letter 3

Dear friend,
I am so happy today! I don't know if you are as happy as me but i do hope that you have an amazing day!

Most of my happiness is on the the pinboard. Still remember i told you in my last letter to you that i bought back a pinboard? Or did i say that in my last letter? Oh i can't remember it anymore. Alzheimer's attacks again. Well, i bought that and i fixed them in the evening! I couldn't help to be proud because that was the first ever thing i did on my own. Fixing something on the wall! I drilled i hammered and i fixed, all by my own, just that i borrowed the equipment from my dad. So for this, i deserve a light applause at least? I goona do more in the coming future. I'm a man, i should know all this. Not to the advance level but the basic is more than enough to handle things isn't it?

Secondly, i bought the books i wanted in Kinokuniyah. Earlier i went to few bookstores around my house area but sadly i couldn't find any of them. Then i told myself to check them in Kino. They do have them! But, their books are so expensive. I couldn't afford too many books at a time so i bought only 2. Remember i told you i read The Perks? So based on that novel the author mentioned so many famous books by famous authors, i desperately wanted to read them. So i bought Naked Lunch and On The Road. I goona read them once i am done with my finals! That really costed a fortune. I may need to starve myself for the next few days.

At first i picked The Fountainhead then i realized i don't have much interest on that book so i put them back on the shelf. I can come back for them next time. Then, i saw another book called Queer. Yeah, the name, you can almost guess the content. I was so interested but the price, BOOM! So, i was struggling whether to buy that and eventually i never brought it home. I couldn't afford. I will come back for it. The only concern was that Kino may run out of stock when i go back for it. It happens all the time. For that my sister always encourages me to buy first for no repent but this time i really couldn't. Pretty sad though.

The rest of the night i spent them on my study. I read some and i hope i remember them. I have this early Alzheimer's and this troubles me a lot. By all mean i just wanted it to find me again in my later age. Did i put it right? Find me again? Well... Hmm... Just leave that shit out. Opss... my parents always say NO PROFANITY! Sorry for that!

Sometimes i'm wondering how would my life turn out to be and eventually freaking myself out. I don't know, for now what only i know is just keep walking my way and hope it turns out as expected. Hopefully.

Always love,
Kit

Letter 2

Dear friend,
I just glanced on something and i finally remember the thing i wanted to tell you. The last post was my 600th post! That is amazing! How long i have been using this as another medium to tell my story. I kind of like the feeling.

I wasn't doing much the whole day. What i did was just accompany my mom to go around the town to deliver something and pick up something at the same time. Not that i don't enjoy the moment being with her but i kind of left out of whatever i should study. Next week goona be my finals and the last thing i want is screwing them up. And finally i did some reading, which makes me feel less of a guilt.

I subscribed to a channel on YouTube few days earlier. It was about his story. I still don't feel comfortable using this word 'gay' maybe i'm still accepting it? I hope one day i could just use it naturally without much effort. So, he told us about his gay story and about coming out. I like his videos a lot i even sent him an email about my problem. Well, i don't know if he received it cuz' i never get a reply from him. He's a marine, and i admire him for that.

And there are books that i knew through The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I think i'm going to grab some of them which intrigued me back home. Probably i will start reading them after my finals. I don't need any extra distraction but The Perks was really a good distraction. It was a very good book where it required you to think in depth. I like that feeling that surrounds me while i'm reading. Feel so heaven.

I think i should stop here i am already feeling tired. Maybe tomorrow i will write a little bit more?

Always love,
Kit

Letter 1

Dear friend,

This heading i stole it from The Perks of Being a Wallflower written by Stephen Chbosky. He has a unique way of writing and i hope he wouldn't mind me using his way of writing. The heading i mean.

I have something to write then i forgot what i wanted to. It always happens these days. As soon as i remember a thing, i tweeted it on Tweeter. So i won't leave out anything. And just a minute ago i swear i have something to tell and this happened again. I don't know why maybe i have an early sign of Alzheimer's. 

Anyway, i was pretty happy, in a way, today. i finally gotten my new spec and my parents went along with us to grab them. I dropped my order earlier but the person said he accidentally scratched on my spec and was looking for replacement. This afternoon i received his call and being told that the spec is good to go. And now i am wearing my new spec with a little floating sensation. It always happen when i got a new one. This time is a lot more 'floaty'. I hope it is fine, and it will be fine.

Talking about scratch, i accidentally scratched myself too. Well, i was unloading something for my dad from the his old truck onto his lorry and so happened that when i moved away from the lorry i scratched on something sharp. Of course, how could a blunt material cause a scratch? And i showed it to my mom. I loved how she reacted. And so my dad. They are lovely pair of couple and parents.

And the book The Perks of Being a Wallflower is real good. I love Charlie, he is really charming. I don't know well yet since i haven't finish reading it. But from whatever i know Charlie has a mental problem where he consistently consulted his psychiatrist. I feel sad for him, he is such a good young man who just wanted everyone close to him to be happy. 

I want to be just like him. Like his character. I don't know if i could ever be one but if it happens i swear i will do it wholeheartedly.

Love always,

Kit

Rants

Is it me or.... i have no idea.

Today suppose to be a delighting day. Well, i don't know... i feel kinda... sad.

I have this friend celebrated my birthday with me. She said she wanted to do a pre-birthday celebration cuz' my actual birthday is at 20th July. So, i came down to Ampang and there she was in the saloon waiting for me. I was cutting my hair. She handed me a present.

So, we went to this Dim Sum House for breakfast. Then i went back home to change. Then i went back to the saloon, it was then my turn to wait for her. Then she brought me to her house. My turn again to wait her to change. Then we went to Leisure Mall. We walked around, looking the things, went into few boutiques and ended up at a food outlet for our lunch. The bear paw bun was really good even though it was a little expensive.

Then she brought me home before she drove back to her's. We planned to take a rest before going out for dinner again. So, we rested and i went out to buy myself a cake. I thought maybe we can celebrate at Starbucks, then we will order their drinks. 

Then, i started feeling uncomfortable. Not that i'm not happy being around her, just that.. i don't know how to describe. I feel like she's not there. I mean, i set up the cake, no, i... i don't know. 

As a friend she had done more than enough. She drove to my place early in the morning, had breakfast, walked around the mall, had lunch, sacrificing dinner for just a cake and a cup of coffee, staying around me to make everything right. 

The main thing is, she took a day off from work to accompany me, to celebrate with me. I couldn't ask for more. But somehow, i feel sad.

I realize, i have no one, other than my family. I'm feeling so empty. I couldn't speak my feeling, my emotion. I have friends, and i have so few. And i always expect. No, no more. 

Actually, i'm not strong. What i'm doing is just pretence. That's the only way to make myself stand with my head held high. I will break down. I will cry. I have moment. And, i may go insane. Actually, i never really feel happy. Or this is the reason i've been reading so much. So many fictions to make myself feel better. I read their story, their life, and i feel happy for them. For a short moment i feel happy cuz the fictional characters are happy. 

That is pathetic. 

A tattoo to make myself better as well... I'm not sure if it helps but i will try. I wanted to try but my parents don't allow until i graduate from my degree. I don't know what to do. So wanted to just have an impulse and fucking ink one without caring what they would think of me. I never learnt to be rebellious. I can't. When you see your parents working so hard, came back from work with hand ache, knee ache and back pain, you can't be any more rebellious. I mean, how could you? 

I never get into any relationship. This makes me sad. 21 i am now and still a virgin. This makes me sad. Don't take me wrong, i don't mean to lose my virginity be part of the group. I never experience it, i kinda lacking of one part of life. I used to tell myself: Need not to be so desperate just to lose your virginity girls and guys. But, maybe i'm now older and... i will still be until i'm 24 perhaps? This is sad. I'm young, still young. Or, die alone.

I may end up alone. I may not get married at any stage of my life. I may not really get someone to love me. [cuz' of my commitment issue?] I may need to go around the globe alone. I may need to live everyday of my life in solitude. I may need to make my own breakfast, lunch and dinner. I may need to sleep alone every night, awakes by nightmares, body baths with sweat, alone. I may one day stay in old folks home. Smell like them. And at the end, die alone. [God knows if i could live that long, look at my health imma like dying every minute.]

Kid you not. I have very serious commitment issue. I can't. I afraid. And i wanted to get married. It's weird. I don't know. I wanted my kids so bad. I even have names for them. My son i gonna name him Ernest. I want him to be earnest and passionate throughout his life. Earnest. It's important, for you, for the people. My daughter? I haven't gotten one. Not one that has came with full affection. I love them already right before i see them.

I don't know if i will ever have them running around me. 

Wanted a life partner. But.... i don't know it will ever come to me. Like the Christians, 'Maybe God has a better plan for me.' or 'He is doing his works for you now, meanwhile, be patient.' I hope He does.

I may need to walk a very rough and tough journey, i made myself that. Or i can change that, but that won't make me happy. I wonder 'why i can't be just a normal human being, a normal man, just fucking lead a normal lifestyle? Why must you torment yourself this fucking way? Damn you!'

If God did exist, please tell me the answer. 

I just know it will be hard.

This article.

Found this amazing article on Huffington Post. Please do read it up. Worth your time.

Just Because He Breathes: Learning to Truly Love Our Gay Son

I'm not gay. I'm bisexual. I can't truly understand my sexual pref but i'm working hard to discover it.

What i afraid is losing my parents. That's all.

Learn, and move on

i wanted to write a post few days ago but i was too sick i couldn't look at laptop too long. So now here i am to drop some words.

Yes, i fell sick few days ago. It started on Friday, i felt uncomfortable on Thursday night and immediately on Friday i knew something must be wrong with my body. Friday supposingly my classes end at 1.30pm. Due to a talk on stroke all physiotherapy students were called to stay back. What a timing. I know. So after the talk it was around 4.30pm and i couldn't wait to go home. Then, i never really been sober until now.

Anyway, i felt much better now.

On Saturday i was suppose to attend a fair well dinner with my dad, for his foreign worker that will soon leave to United States. I kinda feel sad i couldn't make it. But it was a good decision for not going as well or i will be worse than now. Anyway, the dinner went well, and my mom told me Jim, my dad's soon-to-leave worker, was pretty upset that i didn't attend. She said he kept keeping it at the corner of his mouth.

You know, it is okay, i believe one day we will meet again. I will miss you, for everything you had done for my dad, for my me, for my family, and most importantly, for my dad's business. Thank you for that. You had been a blessing for crossing our lives. It's great that i know you, such an amazing person.

All the best, Jim!

and this phrase is in Chinese. I saw it days ago and couldn't stay too long in front of laptop so i didn't share it with all of you.

“有时候，你选择与某人保持距离，不是因为不在乎，而是因为你清楚的知道，他不属于你。”

你退一步，其实是为了想更接近他的心一步。

If you are to ask me to whom this phrase i dedicate to, i would say: Frank Chen.

We will not to that close anymore as before, but prayers i would definitely include him. A regret for not keeping him. Unable to keep him. Frankly.

Learn, and move on.