beg and endure

i was trying to borrow my father's car cuz' my car doesn't have air-conditioner. To be specific my car's air-conditioner broke down long ago. not that i don't want to repair it, just that it costs a fortune to get it repaired. Moreover after tomorrow i officially ended working at LBCA, i do not have any income anymore, don't feel like spending any extra.

Back to my old story, i was trying to borrow my dad's car and he said no. and that was actually fine cuz' the car is belongs to him, i don't have any authority to blackmail him to borrow me that car. It's just that i got to find another way to go for the farewell dinner my colleagues planned for me.

The farewell dinner was actually planned quite long time ago, just that CM isn't good with any of the time we suggested. And now i still don't know after changing the dinner from today to the coming Thursday, will it still work out. Anyway, i just simply want to have a dinner with them before i leave to my new house, which part of me want to go and the other part of me doesn't want to go.

it was like 50 50. A decision which kind of hard to make. Here the place i stay for the last 10 years and all of a sudden i have to move away from my childhood memories, my friends, my teachers, my normal dinning place, the pasar malam, all of them which make my heart to heavy.

The other part kept calling me to leave. this is a cursed place. it is cursing you to stay here forever like never want you to move forward. Here this place i admit that there are plenty of good and unforgettable memories but there are still a lot which is bad. Or i should say i want to escape from all the problems. i'm a coward. I can't help it. it calls me to start me new life, live a different life, live a life where there has no expectations on you, live a life that no one would question you whatever you do.

it's not about the car thinggie which made me say so much about this future fantasies. i just.. don't want to expect anything anymore cuz' that's so unrealistic. When that thing isn't yours and you want to borrow it someone, whether people agree or disagree it's still up to their choice cuz' they possessed it, simple as that. as usual, as what i've said all the time, i don't want to rely on people. include parents, include friends, include relatives, just anyone. i can totally live independently.

that's the thing. when you rely on people you would have to own their agreement. And i don't want that. whatever i do i don't have need their 'yes', i just want to do whatever i want. a car of my own, a house of my own, whatever thing i want to live a independent life. i don't need those who upsets me.

when you are begging for something, you would have to endure it.

and i certainly don't want that.