Just, such a shame

Do you remember i have written about me falling in love? Things got pretty interesting... or rather sad.

I went out with my mom yesterday and we talked about relationship stuff. She talked about that guy. She remembered him because he came over to my house last time for a race. She remembered him asking me where did i feel the pain in a very softly spoken manner and now my mom told me it was really, really softly spoken. Well, i didn't feel it at all that time because he was just one of my friends that time, just a normal friend who go running together, nothing much. So happened that she remembered him and she asked a little about him because she realized i had been talking about him a lot lately. She spoke it out even: Gay is fine. It's a little hard to accept but what can the parents do, he's their son. It take some time to digest but it will be fine.

I startled by her words. I don't know if she knows or she's trying to retrieve some information about myself, my mom is just good at it, somehow, her words encouraged me to confess. Things are going to be fine, my mind told me so after my mother said that to me. So, that afternoon, i asked him out for lunch on the coming Monday. He spun around the question, as always, i don't really know why, and agreed in a very flirtatious way. Today, he texted me about him couldn't make it because he has an important meeting to attend. Well, i told him to fix a date since he is much occupied than me all the time, and he started it all again, the flirtation.

I was really confuse. I confronted him in a very cautious manner because i don't know what was he trying. It turned out to be quite funny though. He replied that he was into me too, and a lot of things, and at the end he also told me he will leave the country once he completed the study. Separation is harder, so he said.

It was still good to know the answer now because i couldn't live in uncertainty. It kills me bit by bit. I can't do my work properly and it kept my mind working and working it doesn't know when to stop! But, well, i know now, and i can sleep better now. It's a shame. What i believe is that, we only live once, be brave to love and let love, even for the shortest time together. Bittersweet memory makes good memory, because it is not a broken journey after all. I just feel so... stupid. Like i've been fooled. He shouldn't have started all these if you know you're not able to commit. Why do this? Say something like 'Are you the one i'm looking for all these while?' Simply unnecessary.

Just, such a shame.

How do i feel. A little bit sad, definitely. But one cannot feel sad over something hasn't even started, right? It's okay, i learned the answer and i shall sleep well tonight, with a calm heart. God, will You sing me a lullaby tonight?