Today went ordinarily. Everything was pretty fine. During lunch time my friends and i sat around the table and had a normal lunch with normal conversation. At some point i told them the reason of my very first intention to join the Northombria programme that runs in collaboration with my university. Reason is simple i wanted to get out of university and get a job. Some friend told me they're going to further their study to master level and some said they are not in a rush to get into the working world. There are a lot of reasons for that and those reasons they said i don't have that at all. Those opportunities i've always wanted. The footsteps. How much my mom knows i'm dying for that she calls me to go but how? Loan. Debt. Digits in the freaking bank account. But thanks for saying that, mom.
Some people is so used to accept things they thought they deserve and they take them as granted. They make use of somebody's love for them to take advantages out of them. And they blame them for giving them those things because their life is pathetic, it's pathetic because they don't have a child and, and, they force them to take their love, and that's selfish, so selfish! How could you think and say something so harsh of them what's the rubbish running in your freaking mind? Too used to accept things and didn't know how to give some back?
My class finished in the afternoon and i spent some time with my friends to discuss about the coming exams. We didn't call anyone cuz' discussion can't really run well and thoughts as well can't register good while there're too many people. The middle of the discussion some people came to us and to be honest, they took me by surprise. As i said to my discussion mates, there are nothing to hide if they knew, they knew. That's all. But what i see in my friends who surprised me, they're not really keen about it. I'm not sure they just walk away when they're done with their errands like they're in a hurry. Well maybe they are but they look just like in a big HURRY. Please don't make this omen a reality and hopefully i'm just thinking too much. Or did i just get selfish?
I watched a movie tonight called 'The Back-up Plan' and it was painful when it hit me hard at some point. So, this lady whose name is Zoe, she has always had her guard up and being very withdrawn when she comes to a long term relationship. She couldn't trust men simply because his mom, or grandma, survived through a hard marriage. Her mom passed away and her dad didn't stick around when her mom was terminally ill. What she did was pushing people away when things get too serious. She met this guy named Stan and she backed away from him at a stage in the film.
It kinda 'click' in my mind and i realize that i'm doing something similar. The day after that i distrust people easily and, i don't make friends into depth or even worse, i don't want to even talk to them if i don't have an interest. Even if i did i didn't want to take the friendships further. I stopped going for any celebration held by my friends, i backed myself up when things go too deep. I stopped being enthusiastic about people's problem and i stopped giving too many of my words. I swear to God i'm not exactly like that last time. God this is bad.
Things change people. And Zoe inseminated herself on the day she met Stan and madly fell in love. Zoe thought she'll never gonna find the right one after hundred times of date and she decided to buy sperms from the sperm bank and get herself pregnant. She even joined a group 'Single Mothers Proud'. So, yeah.
I'm a man and i want a child in my future. I have thought if one day if i didn't find the right one i will adopt but the first priority is IVF. I don't have the privilege that a woman has so... I mean, i'm just thinking. And in that film, Zoe's grandma told her to stop thinking too far and just give everyone a chance because not everyone behaves the same like whoever treated her bad in the past. What i'm thinking? I don't know. I really don't. I need some time.
Stan is indeed a good guy. Good looking, responsible, respectful, lovely. All the criteria that everyone dies for. As he knew about the insemination and understands parenthood he's freaking out. He's studying in a night school and all he could do was only part-time. At the middle of the night he woke up and Zoe found him in the kitchen cooking pancakes. He's freaking about because raising a TWIN, yes, TWIN, that's a doubling up the expenses to raise a child. A child is enough to kill a person's financial and do you think for a guy who barely passing his economics. He planned to drop out from his night school and find a job for a stable income. For the family. You know what i think? Such insecurities. People always said you can't solve all the problems using cash but matter-of-factly it does solve a lot of problems. I would definitely feel insecure when my bank account digits turn into one. Or even 0. You know what i mean? This is some sort of how i feel now and another reason of finishing college and get a job. There are a lot of reasons. A lot.
Of all, I'm not blaming. Just, i had a very hard time to cope with that. Even until now it still bugs me although we talked. Sometimes seeing the face kinda make me.... i don't wanna say that. Just, give time some time...? I thought i have given enough.
And i've written enough i reckon as well. Good night peeps.
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