I uhm... It had reminded me a lot of things after watching this documentary. It had reminded me what my sister told me about gay relationship until she finally started understanding this whole thing. It reminded me of how i coped my emotional crisis with different things. It reminded me how i got disturbed so easily and stirred up an argument to prove my point right because it just meant so much to me. I was a prick back then nobody willing to put up with me. I mean, who would? With such emotional fluctuation.
I started reading. I started writing. I started buying records. I started running. I started surfing nets not for gaming purpose. I started so many things to just help myself getting through it. I lived in a country where understanding towards gay relationship is just too poor, or not willing to even touch the surface of it, i couldn't tell anybody. I started withdrawing myself i found everybody looking at me for something as if they know something, you know? Just getting reserved for some reason but nobody knows i'm after what reason.
And i started watching so many movies. I'm not a movie guy. I don't really into movie marathon or things like that. I don't have that patience. But somehow i started watching them especially the romantic comedy. I started touching LGBT films as well as its articles. And books. Of course. Poetry had helped me a lot, like, a lot. And, eyes are getting shallower. I mean i'm getting easier to cry. When i was younger i was totally the opposite and I don't know why it happened, it just did.
To be honest at the early stage of discovering myself i uhm.. kinda hated the community. I hated it cuz this community actually exists. I hated it cuz' i may be part of it. I hated it cuz' i'm rejecting myself so i'm hating it for it. I found it disgusting and i'd got so many reasons to hate it. It took me so long, like years and years to get over it myself. I chose not to mention at all cuz' nobody gonna understand and it's useless anyway who wants to listen? But I held it up. I survived. I made it through. I'm very happy now and as other man, i'm fighting for a better career, future and most importantly, life. Love is something i'm so looking forward to.
But still today is a better day compared to the past days, so much better. I'm lucky to be born in this generation, perhaps? Story... If i would to tell i think you will have to scroll a lot of times to hit the bottom line. But this time is my last time writing a post regarding this. This is the darkest phase in my life and it's very heart-broken i didn't wish to resurface again. So, this is the last and... yeah.
When i say poetry helped me a lot i do mean it. Here i'm attaching one of the many pieces i wrote and it is kinda long, but as i said, this is for the last time.
The Purgatorial Moment of Time
Couldn't tell you why
My belly is full with butterflies
As my fingers started dancing lovely keys of kite
Sitting wondering again should I try
To tell you my past chaotic life
I swear I wasn't telling a lie
In all possible ways of wise
Sitting smoking by the side
Let me tell you my tale of time
When I was little I get a ride
To a galaxy where nebulas set sight
Lovely parents sit and lie
At the back of our risky universe flight
They caressed my cheeks soft and light
I couldn't demand more for likes
The unbiased love they'd served me right
Were all for the sake of my pride
If there's only one word I could describe
I think it could only be 'Delight'
Older then my emotions didn't shine bright
It had me fallen into a no-way-out plight
As if the golden eye in sky
Covered with eternal catatonic night
Fantasized a million of merciless termites
Crawl and lay and bite
On the precious skin of mine
That pretty much explained not a slight
How did i really feel in both heart and mind
It made me ****ing sick not slight
And this caught me off guard I wanted to fight
So the world would think I'm alright as a guy
Who loves his blissful female of wife
So I would be treated ways I deserved right
Where discrimination overwhelmed in the society of ripe
So fine, so fine; So fine, so fine!
Or I'm just not certain oh my Christ, my Christ!
I'd always wished to tell you in my manner of polite
But always returned with cruelty rudeness please don't deny
Do you know sinking self is like the plague of mice
Freezing wind cutting million times in literal knives
Or on a chair of horrid waiting to be electrified?
How much I wished you could understand the principles I applied
The once love and respect and acceptance you hate to provide
Heart's heavy brain's dizzy breath's to a soon blight
You just didn't know the nightmares I had every night
And had never worn the hellish shoes leading straight to suicide
How ironic I may die in a night no one would even realize
Oh dear me please don't cry
Now please lean on your beliefs or Aphrodite
That you will find the love of your life
And your love will burn bright like dynamite
Soon in one day the lost loves will come reunite
So please worry and afraid no more for just a night
Give this child a lovely lullaby
Here's an honest tale I write
Which had told the most agony blank and white
No one would ever feel the way of alike
Unless you have rode the ride
I hope I didn't tell it too dry
I simply wanted to share my purgatorial moment
For the first and the last time
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