The Love of Siam

in the afternoon i was working in the office. i took some time to google about the movie i mentioned in my last post, and accidentally, i found another movie which drew my attention- 'The Love of Siam'.

this is kinda same with 'The Brokeback Mountain'. the only obviously different thing was the setting. one is set in a 60's and another is set in 21st century, happens in school.

this movie, i don't know how to describe, and i'm kind of tired so i guess i'm not going to make a long post either. just one thing, this movie touched my heart so much, as in the feeling to deal with all the complications. at the end of the movie i literally tearing, i can feel my tear running in my eyes, very inspiring.

i remember there's one sentence spoken by Tong, one of the cast in the movie:

'everyone was upset with me because i don't know what i am.'

he is referring to himself, the attraction towards him, he dated girls, but he has a feeling towards his besst friend, Mew, too. so, there appeared to be so many hard things to deal with. the way friends looking at you, the way parents looking at you, the way girls looking at you, everything seems so hard and uncomfortable.

actually i kind of understand that, i have the same problem as him too. i'm not influence by the movie, but since i was young i slowly discover that other than girls, i have a special attraction toward guys too. if you would remember i mentioned once in my post last few months ago. i may make all of you uncomfortable, i understand that, not many people can actually accept this, this is hard for them, and so do i.

i don't know what i want. this the the absolute reason i'm staying alone, kept myself away from the my first crush in college. the reason is simple, i couldn't ruin people's life without my own assurance towards myself. i don't even understand myself, on my needs, how could i even want people to understand me?

i have a hard time to deal with all the mess here. my future looks so blur, as in my partner, who would i eventually pick? who would i eventually choose to live and spend the rest of my life with? i know if i really spending my life with a guy it brings no outcome, no offspring, nothing.

i don't know. i couldn't take the way people looking at me, i couldn't accept the society will boycott me at last, i don't know, i really don't know what to do. and my parents, i don't want to upset them. my fear towards loneliness, i scared everyone i used to know starts avoiding me, i don't want that to be happened.

what should i do if i really did? how? i'm very scare...