I realised I was the one who wanted to be saved

I woke up late yesterday morning. I heard the alarm rang and i snoozed it and i never heard another one since... I started working at 8am and i woke up at 7.40am. I brushed my teeth and washed my face, put on my working clothes and rushed out to work.

I pretended to be okay which i knew i wasn't. I saw patients like usual just the way like before and surprisingly, one of my patients took me out for lunch. It was on him. I told him that he really didn't have to do that but he insisted. I thanked him afterwards. It was a small gift for me today.

I tried contacting the patient's son who worried about my treatment approach so i can get more details from him and explain to him. Well, just like the day before, he refused to pick up my call. I wonder what was it all about. My boss called me to bring in the medical record because she had to do clarification for me to the doctor and at the same time, she wanted me to send the doctor an email regarding that issue. I didn't know it could lead up to this.

At night i went to get double shots of my happiness; McDonald's and Tealive. I went to my favorite branch of McD in Peneng and picked a table that is directly facing Komtar Tower. It was breathtaking. I moved here for quite some time and haven't really breath in Peneng. After dinner, i planned to catch a movie, and a cup of Tealive too. On my way to my car, i saw a homeless Indian woman sitting at the corridor with 2 of her dogs. I smiled and walked pass her. Then i stopped. I told myself that i need to do something nice because i feel really sad inside. I have to do something nice. I opened my wallet and i only have big notes and a stack of 1 ringgit notes. I didn't count them and i took all out. I went back to the homeless woman and i gave her all. I asked her if she had taken her dinner... and i didn't really listen to her afterwards. After i gave her the notes, i caressed her dog for a few seconds and left. I was walking back to my car and out of a sudden my tears rushed out of my eyes and it streamed down fiercely. I ran to my car, got in, locked the car and... cried. I cried like a madman and my sadness just... exploded hysterically. That lasted for a few minutes though. It actually felt quite good afterwards and i feel... i can finally pick up myself and go on to solve the problem.

The whole incident of helping the homeless woman... the thought of helping her is actually... i wanted to save me from myself. I was the one who's desperate for help... I wanted to be saved, and it did save me from myself. Not that i've done something wrong to the patient... i just feel my effort was not appreciated and even got back-stabbed. I got blamed for trying to help.

I don't know what to do anymore.