The sadness lingered until today, just hours before when i was doing preparation for my lower limb. This time i practice with one example of movement, and plan the dialogues that i goona say during the lower limb practical examination. I'm not repeating the same mistake again.
Actually, i'm not an optimist, i'm not optimistic enough though. When i was doing my revision i stopped for one hour, it was a short break before i continue again. I was still sad for my last practical. Then i started reading 'Tuesday With Morris' by Mitch Albom. He is my all time favourite but i just happened that i never read his first book.
You know what, his first book was really awesome. It walked me out of my depression and finally making a step to prevent future mistake by practically doing the preparation. It talked me out of my depression by just reading for the first 50 pages of the book, i guess? Couldn't really remember the exact page number but the content struck me hard, slapping me hard and pulling me hard and fast enough for me to realize 'stop blaming yourself and get up for tomorrow's task!'
I finally understood something called forgiving yourself. We all make mistake. But after the mistake, we learn lessons. The lesson is something precious that only can be experienced while you make a mistake, you can't buy from anyone or by just listening to someone speaking on their experiences. You need to go through it yourself. So, mistake is good.
And one more thing, after the mistake, do not stay in the depression too long or it will be hard for you to withdraw yourself. The best thing you can do is to prevent the same mistake from happening again. Get up fast and the best redemption for the mistake made is prevent it from happening and do your best that you could when you the same thing crosses your life again.
The quote in the book that slapped me hard and summoning my soul back was:
- "Are you at peace with yourself?"
- "Culture we have do not make people feel good about themselves. We are teaching the wrong things. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it. Create your own."
This is a lesson for me. A lesson i learned from my mistake. A hard slap that pulled me out from darkness. Learn to forgive yourself is not an easy task for me. I have high expectation on my performance. I can blame myself for more than a week, for a long time, even if it is just a small matter. I can't afford failures, which is the worst element i possessed. I stay in depression for long time if no one happens to notice and talk me out of it. I can't forgive my mistake somehow. And a lot of people do not know this because i don't seem like it- i have low self-esteem.
You can find a lot of motivational books and quotes in my room. Those are the things supporting as far as i walked my journey. Without them i guess i'm already broken now. You can, too, find a lot of nice outfits in my wardrobe. I need them not to get people's attention, people always think the purpose of wearing nice clothes is to impress the public. But it's not for me, at least. This is to improve my self-esteem. It somehow works that i could walk out and look people in the eyes and speak confidently without people scanning and doubting me both in person or at my back. I sound reassuring in this way, right?
Last time i was talking to get a tattoo, and that's for the same reason too. Not to impress anyone, but to remind myself that i'm capable on doing things right and handle failures. A tattoo that means something to me. It's me, part of me. But my parents don't get that.
Pathetically a lot of people do not know this part of me.
This is a blog that i never expose to people, and so i don't expect people to know anyway. But, after writing this post, i get so much better than the last few days. I had been blaming myself for long, and now i feel that i can breath already...
Thank you, Mitch Albom.
Thank you, Professor Morrie.
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