Second mistake, is it?

This is what i wrote in my personal diary:

"My hand was shaking, and my heart was beating fast. I held my phone high, i'm going to make a second mistake, or the same second mistake in my life.

Today and now on, I will need to learn how to forgive myself and other people. Make peace with yourself, and make peace with people around you."

I called Ka Seng, a long lost friend. I stopped contacting him since our last reunion, apparently i was still holding the anguish buried deep in my heart, i failed to let go. That evening, i thought, was a mistake. And i wouldn't be making the same mistake again. Well, as you can see on the above paragraphs, i failed, this time for good.

I planned a reunion with Canris, Nicole and the rest, as usual, and i didn't call Ka Seng cuz' i feel uncomfortable with his presence. Now i would need to learn, learn to become a better person. So i texted him, not call, my wrong. And he said he will be there.

I do not know what is going to happen, but i'll try my best to be tactful, it's a reunion, i called him, and i don't want to ruin it. I hope we have a chance to reconcile.

I startled in realization that last year, i loss 2 friends, we used to be so close. Somehow the angel in me calling me to forgive, but the devil caused a chaos in my mind. I hate their battles, it affects me tremendously. And the conclusion was the angel won. And i'm glad.

I'm just looking forward to our reunion. I'll be prepared, and i will be anticipating the best outcome.

Yesterday i was thinking about the forgiveness again, and i got kind of mad, the inner part of me never settled down, and for that instance i want a conclusion. I'm tired, as i get the answer, i can go on with my life well ever after.

So i texted Frank. He changed his number but he still keeps his old number. I typed him a long message to show my anguish, and i told him 'if i'm not getting reply anymore, i would not be expecting you anymore in the future'.

That's the truth. I want to go on with my life and the first thing to be done is make peace with myself. My heart trembles for half a year, i need peace urgently. And i did receive a reply from him, after 3 hours. As usual, he explained about that day, and telling no more.

Are we good now, i'm not positive, but not negative, either. Lie somewhere at the middle. Oh- neutral! Would i be seeing him any sooner? I don't know unless he updates me, and i would not put much expectation anymore. Expectation hurts. But what i can tell you is i feel extremely relief when i got a reply from him. What's the matter with me? And first i was chuckling, i'm really happy. Later on my eyes brimmed with tears. Believe it or not.

I'm just a loser. I'm going back to the past. I can't let go something so dearly to me. This drives me nuts. If this is the way i feel happier, i have no doubt doing it, again, making mistakes again.

Unless they or he or she wanted me to.