The past few days were harsh, and those harsh times leaded to this lecture. I mean, whatever she did an hour ago was just to make me feel better, to calm my soul in pain, but that didn't wind up with any good.
My last test ended up pretty bad, as in my thoughts. The test wasn't that hard but personally i feel some sort like i never pay the best afford which i could easily do. Study wasn't really a hard task for me though but i just, i don't know, something bothering me quite bad.
This week I've got another test. A communication test. I promised i'll do my best this time. I know sick isn't a good excuse for not paying your 100% hard works, so i'm not going to use this excuse any further.
Talking about the lecture just now. My mom told me that i still haven't much calmed down after 2 months time staying alone. I'm still living in a own-occupied fancy, fantastic, fascinating world which probably i don't want to withdraw myself. She said i was still struggling. She said i'm not that kind of person who can sit still and read for few hours continuously. She said i'm not tough enough, physically, to work with my father. She said my mind isn't that cunning to compete in business world. She said i'm not stupid but my smart requires my hard works. She said everyone struggled throughout the whole lifetime but the hard part goona make you a pretty amazing person. She said, she hasn't see much improvement on me.
During the dinner, my father hinted me whatever i'm doing now doing nothing good for myself, and so for them. My mom and sister couldn't understand what he was trying to deliver but i sensed that, and i pretty much disappointed him in much way. He was a tough guy, and would always be. And i'm not much like him, i got crushed easily, in whatever way. He said something like 'i told you to pick something easier'. And i replied him 'like business that you always wanted me to study?'. he simply replied me with 'i never say that'. And i could tell through his sincerity. No parents would want their children to walk their mistakes. They blessed them and showered them with love twenty-four seven. But i can assure everyone of you that my dad somehow reads my mind, occasionally.
Maybe they were right. For the past 10 years plus i was living in a very fancy world, or i should put it this way, a dream. I study and play and travel at the same time. I found friends who much like me, i had fun a lot. I told most of my friends or acquaintances who i encountered that A-levels was a nightmare but in a different ways i found a lot of fun there too. I found Priya. I found Ka Seng. I found Angel and the gang. I found ZiJie who i thought he goona be my lifelong friend, i found a lot of marvellous tutors, and never the least i found an awesome campus. So much better than Mahsa.
Not so much in Mahsa. Not saying that the people there weren't that amazing than TARC. They are terrific in their own different way. I think plainly because of the course i'd taken up made the whole thing so hard for me. I thought i would always fit in healthcare programme but i was.. i don't know, i can hardly say something sane already. Can i really cope the hell up with this? The first 2 months, to be honest really frightened me.
Or i should say i never give the best of me. My dad said i'm stupid for thinking something so crazy at my age. I told him if i've given a chance to choose that i want to live in a novel i like the most or the reality, i choose to escape this suffocating life. Of course this doesn't make my ear any better afterwards, he was giving me a life lecture, trying his best to change my mind. He was really kind of cute in his own way. I like him for being such adorable, some time of course. But the worst part of his lecture was the duration was too long. Apparently I hated that the most, i couldn't help rolling my eyes. Kids always did that, better admit that.
He asked me could you do this for the next four years? I did not answer him into his eyes. I am scared. But i know i just need some time, to embrace whatever it's coming. I know i can do this. I don't want anyone to look down on me, and so my family. I kinda feel it i'm doing this for my family though, it's stupid.
I would just need to let go of my worries and go for it and smack the obstacles. Because of him i was internally crushed, and i know prefectly that i could do this, once again. Not shooting the moon, but at least among the stars.
The warriors I newly met.
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