Since last week i was pretty excited about the reunion with my college mates and for some weird reasons i don't feel that good. Other than reunion, here is her birthday celebration held on the same day- her 21st birthday celebration. Straight away after her celebration at her home, she decided to hold the reunion at The Garden's Hotel and Residency. I was invited to attend both.
Earlier i was thinking if should i attend the birthday celebration. The angel has an argument with the devil and ended up the devil won. I don't quite know the reason of not going, i just don't feel like going. Or should i say the main purpose of that night wasn't actually about her 21st birthday. Conclusion, i did not go.
About 11 i left my house. My parents sent me there and they asked me to send them few of my friends' contact number in case that they couldn't reach me, then they left me at the hotel's lobby. Oh, before i go into it, i provided them a reason saying that i have something to do so i didn't go to her birthday celebration, but it was not, i simply didn't want to go. I'm sorry.
Then i received a call from her, and then i met Pei Rong and Chuan Rou before i saw her. Rou was same as before, stunning as ever. Pei Rong doesn't change much, same as last time. About her, i got to say this, she got prettier than she was in A-levels. Girl knows how to dress themselves nicely as they're growing up. Personally i still feel she looks better without make-up. So i gave her a birthday hug then we headed to the room.
It was a very impressive room. Amazing balcony with sucky view, anyway, kitchen with complete cooking and dining utensils, a big-enough dining table, kinda big living hall, last but not least, 2 awesome bedrooms with bathroom separately.
Honestly i was very excited even before seeing them but you know, the enthusiasm wasn't there after not meeting up for a long time, a topic somehow hardly squeezed out. I saw Gordon and Ying Hao, well, they were impassive at first then only i broke the silence like 'am i the only one who excited seeing you both?' They slowly rose their body and started over me. I think is just me feeling excited ironically.
I saw Jia Wen, Yee Wen and Shi Xin afterwards in the room, they didn't bother to get out of it until i walked to them. Maybe they were tired but if i didn't see my friends for a long time i wouldn't have reacted that way. And they were silence the whole damn night, made me felt like an outcast.
Talking about her friends from Malacca, once i walked into the room i greeted them warmly and what i got in return was cold shoulder. I'm saying it frankly. I told them my name and i expected a reply and you know what, they hesitated on giving me their freakin' name. Com'on, i didn't know any black magic i wished i know, but i don't! I won't play around with your name! Loosen up! I felt like a pail of cold water splash directly onto my face. Guilty as charged. Not many people as friendly as i thought.
I talked to Gordon casually. He told me about his academic life and so was i. Just that, nothing much in details. I'm not interested anyway. As we grow up we learn to be tactful. Not that we're fake or pretentious but the society requires us to do so, at any circumstances. This is part of growing up, stepping into adulthood. I talked to Ying Hao and apparently get to know more of his life, finally, someone spoke something non-academic topic. Perhaps i used to meet up with him so the deviation is lesser. Anyway, i'm glad for him, genuinely.
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| Morning at the balcony. I still like the balcony. I still adore the fact that he's my friend worth me keeping. |
Angel did not turn up due to working. She was one of them i wished to see the most but well, not happening. Some other time maybe.
The last one and the main reason i was there last night was to talk to her- the birthday girl. I waited her to get herself settled, and that took a long time. I stayed awake almost until 5 in the morning. Tell me about it. I don't know, really don't know i did it correctly or not, or a right time to tell her this, on her birthday, or would this hurt her feelings. I have a task need to complete, a long ago task in fact. We sat down at the balcony, and there i started my story. About how i fell for her, and why of all a sudden i disappeared and all, she seemed to be taking it in slowly. Reason, yeah, i told her that time i was discovering my gender orientation and preference, and i told her as well that i couldn't experiment anyone just for my sake, that is wrong. She let it sinks in. Then she replied 'You are pretty headstrong sometimes'.
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| A handmade 3D card my friends prepared. |
Can't deny that cuz' i am stubborn. She said too that was a person's characteristic so it won't be easy to change. The conversation ended when friends came to the balcony, out talk got interjected, and that was all. Next morning i started to feel regret that i told her so much about myself. That suppose to be the thing mainly to be done, the main reason of coming. I thought i would feel better but actually it made it worse. It worsened my feelings and messed my thoughts up. I felt insecure. I afraid of how people look at me. I still am mind people judging me. I thought i overcame it but i was not. The whole day, today, i feel awful.
I am not straight and as well not gay. I don't really believe in bisexuality cuz' you somehow can't lean at the middle, at the verge of undecided sexuality. It makes no fair for any party and i don't want that. The day i discovered my confusion i promised myself not to get into any relationship until i figured it out. Becoming straight i'm feeling like lying to myself. Lying. Becoming gay i'm feeling like my life is fucking limited, nowhere to go. I'm lying to myself calling myself a bi. All the time. Delusional. Then i can't take judgements. Very suffocating. Any my parents. They have loved me all their life, and the last thing i want to do is to disappoint them. They may not have grandchildren, i may not have my own children as well. They may not able to hold their head up while speaking about me in front of anyone. Just anyone. I don't want to be their shame.
I love them all my heart.
I do not know what to do.
I'm always hurrying, finish the course, earn some bucks, leave the country, see the world. I don't know how long i can hold on it. I am suffering. I may look good but i'm definitely not. I have flaws. I reckoned my self-esteem got disturbed due to this issue. pretty much.
I'm scared.
I lead completely a different life. Or i'm just making my life hard?
I wander too far, let's finish the story. Next morning we went to swim, just me and Gordon while the rest just sat on the bench looking us swim. We had breakfast at Hokkaido- a Japanese restaurant in Mid Valley. Birthday girl left earlier cuz' she has got a place to go immediately and some friends left as well. And lunch was the awkward one.
Her friends from Malacca speaking a lot while we were all silence. Playing phones, looking nowhere, waiting foods to be served bla bla bla. I somehow feel i made such awkward situation. I just shouldn't even be there with them.
Ying Hao has a show to rush for so he was in a hurry. I didn't know how to get home using public transports reckoning i could follow him at least i could get some hints but he seemed not to hear me. And so for Gordon. I don't think they're not hearing me, they ignored me. Ying hao first left, then Gordon left to look for him so they could leave together. I'm not accusing i'm pretty sure about that. I asked Gordon whether he was going back using train or something. He first told me he may stay to look for pair of shoe for his brother then later on he said leaving with Ying Hao and earlier he was saying to go to a place using bus to KL Sentral all that craps. Can you see that. I don't have to speak much, do I?
I eventually ended up going back alone, with information collected from the mall's information counter and my university mates. Thank you very much. Conclusion: at any time, you need to rely only to yourself, nobody goona care. Remember.
I told my parents about all of it. Firstly my dad and he told me about his story which i never heard him speaking even a small piece about it last time, no, all my life. He has a past which he felt regret as well, a wasted friendship he said. I asked him don't you feel sad and he replid 'Son, of course. We used to be so close as how your friends and you were but a small misunderstand ruined it all. We tried to reconcile but it wasn't working out. Mustn't you heard of it a cracked mirror can never restore once its perfection?' I nodded. ' Don't feel bad, everyone went through at least once in their life. If it can't stay it has a reason. Open to more chances, making more new friends, life doesn't only mean for one thing, one old thing. Son, you may grow.'
My mom said more or less the same thing after we picked her up at a place. There was a lot not writing anymore about it already. Pretty tired now.
The main purpose was finally done, that might be the last reunion of them i goona attend. I just didn't expect the worst of it. It was not so good, just that, genuinely my point of view.
P/S: This post, the whole time while i'm writing actually made me feel so much better.
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