What's the plan You have for me?

I thought i wanted to post a blog post everyday in Japan, seems that i lost track! Anyway, I had a great time in Japan. I'm still constantly thinking about Japan because... it is truly a nice place to visit. Hope to go again some day soon.

I recently received a lot of critical patients my back started to hurt as i work. Every time I see them getting better another critical patient comes in. It's never ending. But it was so satisfying to see them recover, moving a little better every day. I really love my job for this exact reason. Maybe because of that, too, I received a lot of foods recently ;)

I had been chatting with this person online and we finally met each other yesterday. We had a good long hours of chat until the shop literally chased us out. We called it the night then. I'm afraid to open up myself to others. I'm afraid to have my heart broken, or even fooled. I have had enough and I don't think i can take this pain anymore. Then, as much as I hope not to look for love, I went online (dating apps) and talk to people. I hate the community. They want everything instant. They love hooking up. They love NSA. I don't understand, I never did. Connection. Why aren't people looking for connection? It's difficult. And this happened.

I think, no matter how much you resists love, you crave for it even more. The more you suppress the more you struggle. I don't know how should I respond to it... really. Last night, I looked up the sky and asked, again, what plan do You have for me?

Japan Trip Day 1

What a longggggg trip getting there! Flying from Penang to Kl to DMK to Nagoya then bus to Takayama to my hostel. Basically day 1. However, i made it to Nagoya castle! Also because of that i missed my bus to Takayama lol! Luckily the staff was kind enough to change the time for me without additional charges. 

I wasn’t that excited about this trip at first. The first thing is the distance, and I’m super exhausted from work making me too lazy for this trip. My sister kept saying that I’m wasting money because I don’t look like a person going on a holiday! Anyway, I’m here now and after the shower, fatigue kinda sets in. I know I’ll be all excited tomorrow when i wake up afresh!

Day 1 is basically asking questions. A lot of questions. Thank God the Japanese are kind enough to help me through although they are not fluent in English. I appreciate their kindness especially I’m all alone here. I was so afraid I’m not able to make it to my hostel but luckily things worked out. 

I’ve taken many pictures. Mostly Nagoya. Out of so many shots, i love this the most. It’s almost like paradise on earth. And human almost doesn’t deserve that. 

Thinking of becoming a dad

I went home last CNY. Seeing friends that I haven't met in a very long time and catching up on what they're up to is thrilling. They have so many plans up their sleeves! One of the most interesting news was my friend is getting married this coming September. Can't wait for their wedding! A friend who got married almost 1 year ago, their twins are growing so fast they are learning how to walk now! Time flies, even faster especially when you reach my age. It seems that everybody is heading to some direction.

That trip back home made me think a little. My parents said something i never thought they would. I don't know if my mother was hinting me or what; she had been talking about gay marriage, test tube babies, surrogacy etc. I asked her why she never was worried about me being single all along, which unlike other asian parents because most would have freaked out by now. Coming from a Chinese background, most parents would have wanted their kids to get married, have children and stuff like that but my parents... is quite the contrary. I'm lazy to elaborate on what they've told me but... they surprised me. 

Being gay is difficult. Being in a circle that's totally opposite to where I come from is difficult. Understanding the culture of that circle is not easy because to be honest, I'm old school. I tried knowing people online but it never end well. I like to take things step by step instead of jumping to the conclusion- lust. 

I know that when i hit 30, i want to have some achievement in my career, that's pretty basic. I also wanted to have kids. I wanted to be a father a long time ago. My parents have given me so much love and i wish that my kids have the same opportunity to experience that. I have been following a married gay couple on instagram where they share from how they met to having 2 children of their own through IVF and surrogacy. They even put up the ultrasound image of the foetus. The reason I'm writing this is because for gay couple, it takes so much love and effort from so many people in order to bring two little lives to the world. I wish that if that day ever come, i want my kids to know that we love you guys very much, love you enough to bring you here. I want you to grow up well and smart and make some kind impact onto the world we're living in. Remember that your dad never stopped loving you.

Guess... i just have to be a single father!

The lower half of 2018

It's has been some time. A lot had happened since the last post, naturally. Officially worked 2 years plus in Adventist Hospital, there were lots of ups and downs and I managed. We argued, we reconciled and moved on, and thank God things had been great. I received my bonus and increment, both were pretty good, guess I'll have to keep striving.

Rewind back to 2018, I'd done many things. I was in IPD, I made many friends; doctors, nurses, lab technicians, even housekeepers. I learnt a lot; communication, acute management, and working on-calls. Most importantly, a trip up to IPD boosted my confidence a lot. The fact that doctor still looking for me makes me feel that I've definitely done something right. It made me a better person in general.

TKR project was a success. Oncology rehab was halted due to the lack of revenue. Then, i was sent to a IASTM course and created a new service for the department. Worked on many proposals, service brochures, and even speech drafts. Some progressed and some aborted. About the speech draft, my boss sent me to deliver a speech on pre-marathon. It went well, thank God, and again, learnt something new and of course, more points on the resume.

On the other hand, on personal life, praise the God that I saved up a little and paid the upfront for my first house. Paid a existing debts and still having some savings made me feel good and safe about myself. Also, getting more patients outside of working hours definitely lifted my financial anxiety very much. Just that, staying far away made me missed out a lot of big events. 2 of my best friends just delivered their babies and i was too far away to be there to share their joy. I missed my parents birthday, and sometimes when they were sick the feeling made me sick. I've been spending less and less time with time and that sometimes flooded me with guilt. Also, I think I started to miss home more and more. Missing out many happy times, moments and plans with my social circle had contributed to my homesickness. I just attended another wedding which i couldn't help thinking, should I be worried that I'm still single?

The question now is how long more should I stay in Penang. I have been missing KL and when will be the best time to go home. I've been thinking on continuing my study but finding myself being reluctant to be poor again especially when I want to continue only abroad. Then, if I don't go on studying, I shall go back and continue working in the hospitals and hope to either becoming a boss myself or going into academic line. 3 years more feels sufficient to fulfil either option. I'll just have to be prepared on becoming tight again for letting go all my house calls if i go back to KL.

Travelling to Japan soon. Haven't been travelling since Australia. May God bless that we all be safe and happy throughout the journey. Cheers.